TO MY JEWISH READERS: Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, begins at sundown. During this 24-hour period, observant Jewish people fast, engage in reflection and prayer, and formally repent for any sin that might have been committed during the previous Hebrew year. To all of you -- may your fast be an easy one.
Friend in Long Relationship Signals She May Want Out
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 25-year-old lesbian from a suburban area outside the Twin Cities. It's not easy finding other gay women in this area, unless I visit Minneapolis, which I don't enjoy. I always seem to fall for straight girls or girls who have always been straight but are bi-curious, which never ends well for me.
My current situation has me stumped. The girl I'm interested in is in a relationship with a man. They have been together for a long time and have kids together. I have kept my distance for the most part because I don't want to be pushy or seem like a home-wrecker.
As we have grown closer over the past couple of months, she has told me she doesn't want to be with him anymore. She said she isn't in love with him and she's tired of pretending. Recently, she confided that she can't reach sexual satisfaction unless she thinks about women and she isn't sure what that means. She made a move on me once. A few weeks ago she kissed me, but nothing has happened since. I'm not sure what to say or do -- if anything at all. Help? -- NO HOME-WRECKER
DEAR NO HOME-WRECKER: What you should say to this woman is that she's sending you signals that she's interested in starting a romantic relationship, and ask her if it's true. If she says that it is, ask what she plans to do about her boyfriend. If she's unsure, you will then have to decide how you feel about becoming part of a triangle, because it could get messy. Very messy.
Between us, you would be better off if you focused on finding someone who is available and clear about her orientation. And if it means forcing yourself to go to Minneapolis, then that's what you should do.
Joke Is Lost on Neatnik When Friends Compliment Her Tidiness
DEAR ABBY: I have always made it a habit to keep my home neat and tidy. I'm not obsessive; we just make it a point to pick up after ourselves daily, instead of leaving everything a mess and then trying to tackle it all once every week or two. I suppose it also helps that I am child-free.
On more than one occasion, friends who visit my home have commented on how neat and clean I keep it. Some of them have asked if they could pay me to come and clean their homes. I guess a small part of me should be flattered, but I'm also offended. I feel it's the equivalent of inviting me to a party just to serve the drinks. I have no desire to become an indentured servant to my friends. Am I being too sensitive? -- NOT OBSESSIVE IN NEW YORK
DEAR NOT OBSESSIVE: If you are not obsessive, then why are you obsessing over a compliment these friends were trying to pay you? I sincerely doubt they were serious, unless they began negotiating your weekly rate.
Family Stages a Mutiny Against Dad's Vacation Plans
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are in good health and have been married for more than 50 years. I would like to take our three children and their spouses on a Caribbean cruise. We all get along well, but my wife refuses to go and the kids won't go without their mom. Any suggestions? -- BEWILDERED HUSBAND IN BILLINGS, MONT.
DEAR HUSBAND: I wish you had shared more information about why your wife is reluctant to take the cruise and your children are backing their mother up on this. However, since they are acting in lockstep, I suggest you come up with an alternative idea for a family outing, or take the cruise alone.
Basic Information Is Critical for Emergency Responders
DEAR ABBY: I am a 911 dispatcher with some hints for your readers in case they need emergency services and must call 911.
PLEASE pay attention to where you are. The most important information we need is the address of the emergency. If you are on the highway, tell us the Interstate and closest mile marker, as well as your direction of travel. Many people assume that we can trace their number to their location. While that may be true for landline phones, it's not for cellphones. Only the cellphone company can "ping" a phone.
I would also like to caution parents about letting their children play with a deactivated phone. If you want to let them play or practice, first remove the battery. Many calls we receive come from kids playing on a deactivated phone, and we are unable to call those numbers back to verify if there's a legitimate emergency. These calls also tie up emergency lines for people who have a genuine emergency, making them wait longer for their call to be answered.
My last comment is this: If you dial 911 by accident, please tell the dispatcher that it was an accident. We never get angry if someone inadvertently dials us. Our job is to make sure the public is OK. If it was accidental, say so! Otherwise, we must call back to make sure there is not an emergency.
Those of us in this profession do this job not because we are getting rich, but because we want to help people. We are the most important link in getting people the help they need, but we cannot do it without knowing where the emergency is. Thanks for getting the word out! -- DISPATCHER IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR DISPATCHER: Thank you for your helpful suggestions. Readers, 911 dispatchers are the critical first contact for people needing help, but they cannot do their job unless they know where the emergency is and that the emergency is genuine. I hope you will take this person's suggestions to heart because they are important.
Family History Lesson May Answer Questions Raised in Biology Class
DEAR ABBY: We have been learning about genetics in my biology class and how you have to get two recessive genes from your parents to have the recessive trait, like red hair. I thought it was cool, so I tried to figure out which traits I got from my parents.
Now I am freaked out because there were several traits I have that I could not have gotten from them! At least one of my parents must have been someone else. I asked my teacher without being specific, and she said I was right. Now I don't know what to do. I wonder if I came from an affair that maybe my dad doesn't know about. Do you think I should ask? -- LEARNED TOO MUCH IN PORTLAND, ORE.
DEAR LEARNED TOO MUCH: Yes, I do. But the people you should talk to are your parents, to get the full history on family traits of relatives from other generations you may not know about.
Widow Ready to Date Again Hesitates to Take First Step
DEAR ABBY: My husband of 26 years passed away unexpectedly at age 46. This was 2 1/2 years ago. I have not yet started dating; however, I finally feel like I'd like to.
I have an old friend from high school whom I have never dated, but I would like to explore the possibility. He lives in another town and we occasionally message on Facebook.
I need to pick up some papers from a former doctor of mine in that town, and I would like to see my friend. Should I ask him to meet me for coffee? Is that what "buddies" do? Or should I ask him to meet me for a beer? Would that let him know I want to sort of have a date? What do I say? -- SHY STARTER
DEAR SHY: Approach it this way: Call or message him that you plan to be in town to collect some documents, and ask if he'd "like to get together and catch up." That can hardly be considered aggressive. If he's interested, he can then ask you if you'd like to meet for coffee or a beer -- or even go all out and share a meal together.
Eating While Grocery Shopping Doesn't Sit Well With Friend
DEAR ABBY: I recently went grocery shopping with my friend "April." She decided she wanted some ice cream, so she grabbed a box of ice cream bars. She then proceeded to open the box right there in the aisle and eat one of them while we continued to shop.
When we got to the checkout, she paid for the ice cream. I didn't say anything at the time because I didn't want to start an argument, but I feel that what she did was not OK. What are your thoughts on this? -- UNSURE IN THE WEST
DEAR UNSURE: As long as your friend paid for the ice cream, I see nothing wrong with what she did. What I would find upsetting is if she had eaten something, discarded the wrapper and "forgot" to inform the checker, because that would be theft.
Dressing Up Is Not on Husband's Itinerary During Cruise
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are going on a seven-night cruise. There will be a formal and a semi-formal night on the ship. I really want to go, but my husband says it's his vacation, too, and he doesn't want to dress up.
Would it be OK for me to go without him? If not, what can he wear that is not a suit and tie but will be acceptable? Just so you know, he said if he has to go, it will be in a tux T-shirt and his Disney top hat. -- GETTING AWAY IN OHIO
DEAR GETTING AWAY: You and your husband are not joined at the hip. If he prefers not to attend certain events during the cruise, that should be his privilege. However, it's your vacation, too, and you should have the option to observe the dress code and enjoy those evenings if you wish. If a coat and tie are required on the cruise you chose, you both might be happier if you select a more casual ship next time because some are less formal than others.