DEAR READERS: In the words of Martin Luther King Jr., whose birthday we remember today: "To retaliate in kind would do nothing but intensify the existence of hate in the universe. Along the way of life, someone must have sense enough, and morality enough, to cut off the chain of hate."
Couple's Excessive Drinking Strains Longtime Friendship
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been friends with another couple, "Bill" and "Emily," for 20 years. We usually have dinner together once every four to six weeks.
In the past, everyone enjoyed a cocktail or a glass of wine with dinner and nobody overdid it. But over the last year or so, it is clear that they have started drinking earlier in the day, before we arrive. They each consume multiple drinks while my wife and I are still on our first. Emily often is noticeably drunk within the first hour and excuses herself to go to bed while Bill continues drinking. Often dinner plans at their house or at a nearby restaurant must be canceled because of this behavior.
When they visit our home, Emily helps herself to several glasses of wine before dinner and then passes out in our guest room, while Bill sits on the couch rambling on and we speed up the cooking to get food on the table. When dinner is finished, we suggest it's time to call it a night. Our get-togethers are now over in less than two hours.
How do we tell these otherwise nice friends that they drink too much? -- UNWILLING BARTENDER IN ARIZONA
DEAR BARTENDER: The next time Bill and Emily come to your home for dinner, make sure your liquor is locked up and don't serve any. If you are asked about the omission, you and your wife should tell them that YOU have decided to "cut back" on your alcohol consumption because it will enable you to enjoy their company more. (I wish you could videotape their reaction.)
It will be interesting to see if you still enjoy their company when they are sober, and vice versa. If they take offense and decide to socialize with you less often, don't take it personally. Realize that alcohol now rules their lives.
I do not think you should try to perform an "intervention" because it doesn't appear you are close enough to them to do it with much success.
Distance and Therapy Fail to Eliminate Pain of Divorce
DEAR ABBY: I was married for 27 years before my divorce. The ending of my marriage was both painful and unexpected. I was in therapy throughout the divorce and for some time after.
Later I moved to another state so I would no longer have to risk running into him. But just when I think I have moved on, something is said or something happens that brings my pain and anger back to the surface.
I heard once that when one is in a serious relationship, that it can take twice as long to get over it. Is this the same for a marriage? Can I expect it to take 2 times 27 years before I am finally over my ex and my divorce? -- UNEXPECTED DIVORCE
DEAR U.D.: There is no set timetable for "getting over" a divorce. Much depends on the reasons for it. Some people hang onto their pain and anger for the rest of their lives. Others grow beyond the experience and are able to move on. They cultivate new friends and interests, and sometimes find a romance to replace the one that was lost. I predict you will move beyond your pain and anger when you are ready for another relationship.
Grandparents Can't Hide Shock Over Kindergartener's Makeup
DEAR ABBY: Our son and his wife have blessed us with a darling 6-year-old granddaughter, "Sophie," who is the love of our lives. We live nearby and are very close.
When we received her kindergarten school photo, she had on heavy lipstick and light eye shadow. My husband and I couldn't contain our shock. Her parents said they thought she looked beautiful, and Sophie was made up that way because "she wanted to." We were speechless.
When we pick her up on weekends, she sometimes wears makeup, too. It makes her look like a 30-year-old. We think that wearing it while playing dress-up is fun, but doing it outside the home takes away from her natural beauty. What are your thoughts on this? -- TAKEN ABACK IN KANSAS
DEAR TAKEN ABACK: Forgive me if this seems old-fashioned, but I think that a kindergartener should be allowed to remain a child for at least a few years. I'm not only surprised that your son and daughter-in-law would send their 6-year-old to school wearing makeup, I am equally surprised that the school would allow it.
And when Sophie spends the weekend with you, don't you think you should make the rules about whether she's allowed to wear makeup? Someone has to draw the line, but when you do, be prepared for some battles.
Husband Offers Little Solace to Wife After Mother's Death
DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away a few weeks ago. She lived with my husband and me for the last 2 1/2 years of her life, and I was her caregiver.
The week after she passed, my husband did not stay home even one day with me. It was the loneliest, saddest time I have ever experienced. I feel he should have stayed with me without my having to ask him. He says all I had to do was ask.
Frankly, I don't think it was up to me to ask to be comforted. Who do you think is right? -- GRIEVING IN CLEARWATER, FLA.
DEAR GRIEVING: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your beloved mother. You were a loving, caring daughter and, I'm sure, a comfort to her in her last years.
It is sad that you and your husband have such a poor level of communication. You should not have had to ask him to remain by your side in your hour of need. He promised to do that at the altar, and from where I sit, he failed you.
Gender Alone Doesn't Qualify Wife for a Cousin-Only Trip
DEAR ABBY: I am a woman married to a woman. Recently we attended her family reunion. Her first cousins (all female) decided to have a meeting. When my wife returned from the discussion, her mom asked her what it was about. My wife replied that they were planning a trip with just the female cousins -- no men. I feel hurt and excluded, as I am a woman, too.
Am I wrong? I can understand not wanting husbands on an all-girl trip, but am I not the exception? -- OUT OF THE LOOP IN ALBERTA, CANADA
DEAR OUT: No. This trip is for cousins only; no spouses. Although all the other spouses are men, you are not a cousin, so stop looking for reasons to be hurt. My advice is to let it go.
Three Cats Become a Crowd in a One-Bedroom Apartment
DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend and I live together. We adopted a cat off the street. A few months later, the cat became pregnant and had four kittens. We ended up keeping two, and now we have three cats in a one-bedroom apartment.
I've tried being OK with it, but it's making me stressed and unhappy. The litter box must be constantly cleaned; they get into our food and pee on our furniture.
I've tried talking to my girlfriend about putting one or two of them up for adoption, but every time I raise the issue, she gets mad and dares me to get rid of them. I don't want her to resent me, but I also don't like living in the circumstances I'm living in. Please help. -- SURROUNDED BY CATS
DEAR SURROUNDED: You and your girlfriend appear to be irresponsible pet owners. I hope you realize that if the stray cat you adopted had been spayed, this could have been avoided.
The litter box should be cleaned regularly and, because the cats belong to both of you, the responsibility should be shared. If the cats urinate on the furniture, it should be discussed with a veterinarian rather than disposing of them.
That said, you are not married to this woman. If you're not happy under the current conditions, perhaps it's time to consider moving.
Popular Boy Sends Girl Mixed Messages on Social Media
DEAR ABBY: I really need your help. I'm 13 and I know I'm a little young, but there's a boy I have known for a while. We used to text all the time, and then we got into a fight. We both said rude things, and then after a while he started talking to me again and acting like he didn't care. In fact, he told me that. Then we stopped talking again and he blocked me on Instagram.
Well, this school year he came to my school, and he's very popular. He stares at me every day when we pass each other and once he said hi to me.
What I'm confused about is why does he keep unblocking me and blocking me on social media? Why is he doing everything he's done? I hope you can help. -- BLOCKED IN MISSOURI
DEAR BLOCKED: The first time he blocked you, he probably did it to punish you for having hurt his feelings during the fight. Now he may be doing it to get a rise out of you, or because for some reason he doesn't want you to be able to see what he's saying and doing.
The opposite of love isn't hate; it's indifference. Because he stares at you in the hallway, I suspect he still likes you. Don't chase him -- just be patient and let this play out because it could be interesting.
Mix-up Among Gifts and Cards Causes Headache for Bride
DEAR ABBY: My niece got married and some of the gifts got separated from the gift cards. Individual cards were found apart from the gifts. So how do you thank the individuals who left gifts without knowing the gift they gave? -- UNSURE IN THE WEST
DEAR UNSURE: While it is preferable to mention the gift when thanking the giver, no rule states that you have to do so. Your niece should start by writing thank-you notes for the gifts that have cards with them, and for those few (I HOPE few) that don't, the givers should be told how meaningful it was to have them present on the special day, and thanked for their generosity. Period.
PS. A helpful hint to anyone sending a wedding or shower gift: Note on the gift card what has been sent (waffle iron, baby blanket, etc.).