DEAR ABBY: I have seen letters in your column about insensitive, thoughtless remarks made by others about loss and grief. It has been my experience, though, that no one can ever say just the right thing. There are several stages of grief, and one never knows for sure which level the bereaved has reached. Therefore, any comment will most likely be the wrong one.
My advice is if you don't know what to say, state the obvious -- "Gee, I don't know what to say." Hold the person's hand briefly. Don't hug unless initiated. Take your cue from the person grieving. But remarking, "He's in a better place," "It's probably for the best," or "He was in so much pain" is wrong. The bereaved can say these things, but for you to do so seems like passing judgment.
"I don't know what to say" works for divorce, breakups or any catastrophic event. It has worked for me countless times. I have said nothing offensive, but left the door open for the friend or relative to engage in some much-needed venting. I hope my experience helps someone. -- DIPLOMATIC OUT WEST
DEAR DIPLOMATIC: Well said. You are indeed a diplomat.