DEAR READERS: Allow me to wish a Happy Father's Day to fathers everywhere -- birth fathers, stepfathers, adoptive and foster fathers, grandfathers, and all of those caring men who mentor children and fill the role of absent dads. I applaud you all. -- Love, ABBY
A PHONE CALL FROM KIDS IS THE BEST FATHER'S DAY GIFT
DEAR ABBY: It's Father's Day. Maybe now is the time for people to forgive, forget and remember how wonderful their dad was when they were growing up.
I am dating a man whose two grown children live out of state. He and his wife divorced when the kids were young, and he tried hard to keep a good relationship with them. But even with the best intentions, there are sometimes obstacles that get in the way.
He loved being a father and tells me stories about singing songs to his kids at bedtime and getting down on the floor to play with them. I can see how much he loves them and how painful it is for him to not have them in his life. He has no idea why they are distant. I suggested he ask them directly what happened. He said he has tried, with no response.
I'm not saying he's a perfect man, but he is kind, generous and loving. He has many more good qualities than bad. He hasn't heard much from his children for several years, and I think the best gift he could receive this Father's Day would be a simple phone call. No card or necktie would mean as much. Life is short and precious. Holding on to negativity or the past is so much more work than letting it go and forgiving, and it's good for the soul. -- WISE LADY FROM THE MIDWEST
DEAR WISE LADY: If your boyfriend was present in his children's lives in spite of the divorce while they were growing up, it's possible they may be so involved in their own lives that they have "forgotten" their dad might appreciate hearing from them. Feeling as you do, continue to encourage him to reach out to his kids.
Sibling On A Budget Is Priced Out Of Costly Family Vacation
DEAR ABBY: I incurred a big mortgage two years ago by choice. As a result of the larger payments, I have had little discretionary income to spend.
Both of my parents went into the hospital recently. Fortunately, they were discharged after only a few days. My sister has now decided we should all go on a family vacation, mainly because we don't know how much longer our parents will be alive.
I am all for going on a family vacation, but the one she wants will cost more than $7,000 for my family of four. When I told her I can't afford it, she laid a heavy guilt trip on me. She said I made a bad mistake incurring a big debt, and accused me of not caring about my parents. It has gotten so bad that I don't want to talk to her anymore because she will continue to harp on it. What should I do? -- FRUSTRATED IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
DEAR FRUSTRATED: You're handling this about as well as can be expected. The debt has already been incurred. Because of your current financial obligations, you can't afford the vacation your sister has in mind. Either Sissy will have to plan something more affordable, or your family will be unable to participate. That's reality.
Teens' Three-Year Age Gap Is Cause for Adult Concern
DEAR ABBY: I am 19, and I like a girl who is 16, "Cheri." My friends and family think we're dating, and now one of my teachers and the school officer think it is a problem that we are around each other. I asked Cheri's family if it was OK with them if I asked her out. Knowing how old I am, they approved.
My mom says I can be arrested for statutory rape when all I did was give her a kiss on her cheek, and Cheri was fine with it. I really like her and she means the world to me. Is there anything I can use in my defense to prove that we didn't do anything wrong? -- ON A SLIPPERY SLOPE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR SLIPPERY: I don't think anyone is accusing you of having done anything "wrong." When young men and women are attracted to each other, the relationship rarely stays static. The concern may be that an innocent kiss on the cheek may lead to something more.
That your friend's parents approve of you seeing their daughter is a plus. However, if you become sexually involved with their daughter, their feelings could easily change. While you might not be in trouble with the law in New Hampshire -- which may calm your mother's fears -- the age of consent isn't the same in every state.
DEAR ABBY: I was married 13 years ago, and we have a son and a daughter. Sadly, my husband decided he didn't want to be married anymore and we divorced five years ago. My parents also divorced when I was young, and I did not use my mother's dress.
I am trying to move on from the divorce and I would like to sell the dress, which has been professionally preserved. My ex remarried, and I'm concerned his new wife may decide to pass on her dress to my daughter. Do mothers still pass down wedding dresses to their daughters? -- FORMER BRIDE IN NEW YORK
DEAR FORMER: Not every young woman wants to wear her mother's or grandmother's wedding dress. Their tastes may be different, and there could also be the reality that the sizes may be different. If selling the dress will help you to move on, then by all means do so.
And, please, don't waste your time worrying about whether the new wife will steal your thunder by offering your daughter her bridal gown. For the reasons stated above, she might very well refuse it.
DEAR ABBY: I have a family member who does not "have time" to contact, by phone or email, those near and dear to him and tell us what's happening in his life. (If one goes to Facebook, we see our family member posts every personal detail of his life.)
Is this the new communication? Should we accept this and run to look at Facebook every time we want to know what's happening in our loved one's life? -- LEFT BEHIND IN THE REAL WORLD
DEAR LEFT BEHIND: Yes, it is, so you might as well accept it. Be glad you are computer-savvy enough to know how to find his postings, because it's unlikely your loved one will change.
Bad Language, Racist Jokes Set Poor Examples for Kids
DEAR ABBY: I recently married for the second time. My first husband was verbally and emotionally abusive. My new husband is kindhearted and takes good care of me. I have one problem though. He curses all the time. (I don't think he realizes he is doing it anymore.)
I believe that cursing makes a person look ignorant. What bothers me most are his racist jokes. I have told him I don't like hearing him insult other races or cultures, but he still does it. He thinks the jokes are funny and he shares them with his kids.
I don't think he is really racist; I just think he's emotionally immature and doesn't realize how rude his behavior is. What do I do? I'm embarrassed by it and don't want to encourage it in his kids. -- NO JOKE
DEAR NO JOKE: Your second husband may treat you better than your previous one, but it appears you have married a man who is both a racist and a bigot. I don't blame you for being embarrassed, because jokes of this nature reflect more upon the person telling them than the minority that's being ridiculed. Point that out to him, if you haven't already. And you should definitely explain it to his kids so they'll understand that this kind of humor will label them.
DEAR ABBY: After 15 years of trying to establish a relationship with my in-laws, I recently decided to sever my contact with them. They have been deceptive and talk about me to my husband in whispers behind my back. I understand his loyalty to his family, but I strongly feel that continuing to deny that their behavior is unhealthy is unhealthy for me. Being forced to see them makes me physically ill.
How can I help my husband see that he can have a relationship with his parents without my participation? -- I'M DONE, IN ARIZONA
DEAR DONE: Avoiding your in-laws isn't the answer. If your husband hasn't stood up to his parents and sided with you before now, your marriage is in trouble. Find a licensed marriage counselor who can "help" him realize that what his parents have been doing is undercutting his wife and sabotaging his marriage. Then cross your fingers that he's strong enough to do something to correct it.
Expectant Mom's Happy News Will Be Hard To Break To Sister
DEAR ABBY: How can I gently break the news to my sister that I am pregnant? She has been trying to conceive for more than a year, but is still unsuccessful. (I got pregnant within a month of trying.)
What can I do to avoid hurting her feelings when I tell her? I'm only a few weeks along, so I haven't told anyone except my husband, of course. -- EXPECTING IN THE EAST
DEAR EXPECTING: Infertility issues can be extremely painful for couples who have been trying to have a child, particularly if the problem has been going on for some time. You should tell your sister privately, in person, and before you start to show. I don't think it's necessary to mention that you became pregnant after only one month, because it might appear that you are gloating.