TO MY JEWISH READERS: The eight days of Hanukkah begin at sundown. (I can't believe how early it has fallen this year.) Happy Hanukkah, everyone! A joyous Festival of Lights to all of us!
Couple's Invitation to Holiday Party Will Not Be in the Mail
DEAR ABBY: Every year my husband and I throw a formal holiday party. We invite a small group of our closest friends, and everyone always has a wonderful time. Over the years we have grown apart from some of these couples.
This year as we were starting to plan, my husband asked if we could trim the guest list. There is one couple in particular we rarely see. They have fallen out of favor with some of the other guests, too.
We've done this party for many years with the same group. When we see this couple, they talk excitedly about it with anticipation. I feel uneasy about how to politely exclude them. The event is mentioned on social media, and I know they'll find out if we uninvite them.
I'm a peacekeeper. I don't like hurting others, especially this couple, who have a tendency to spout off when they feel someone has offended them. Any suggestions? -- PARTY PERSON IN THE WEST
DEAR PARTY PERSON: The next time this couple -- or any of the other couples you no longer want to invite -- raises the subject of your party, tell them that you and your husband need to trim the guest list and they should make other plans for the holidays. Do not apologize for it and don't make excuses. If any of the invited guests ask you why the others weren't included, explain that you need to limit the invites to those friends you see on a regular basis.
Fiancee Is Unwilling Witness as Mother Berates Son
DEAR ABBY: I have a mother-in-law-to-be problem, but not the usual one. She doesn't hate me -- in fact, she loves me. She invites me to wine tastings and lunches, lets me drive her sports car, and brings me gifts when she comes to visit.
The problem is, she's nasty to my fiance, so much so that if he ever decided not to speak to her again, I'd stand by him. It hasn't come to that, so I'm stuck sitting silently at dinner while she berates him.
I don't want her to dislike me (especially with the wedding planning coming up), but I really don't like the disrespectful way she mistreats my fiance. What should I do? -- DAUGHTER SHE NEVER HAD
DEAR DAUGHTER: Recognize that this unhealthy dynamic has likely been the status quo since your fiance was a boy, which is why he accepts her verbal abuse. However, after your honeymoon, tell your new husband how upsetting it has been for you to listen to his mother berate him. Suggest that he talk to a licensed therapist to understand why he tolerates it. After that, family counseling may be in order if his mother is willing. If not, spare yourself the pain and see less of her.
Mom Bars Teen From Wedding of Old Friend Marrying Young
DEAR ABBY: I am 16 and my old friend from grammar school is getting married next month. I just received a wedding invitation in the mail. However, my mother does not approve of her getting married at such a young age (she's 18) and has forbidden me to go or even talk to her.
I haven't seen this friend in more than two years because she moved away and has only recently returned. I want to attend her wedding. How can I go about convincing my mom to let me go? -- INVITED IN LAS VEGAS
DEAR INVITED: At 18, the bride-to-be is an adult, and while marriage at such a young age isn't advisable for many reasons, there's nothing immoral about it.
I'm sorry you didn't mention what might have happened in your friend's life in the last two years, because it may be the reason your mother is worried about your associating with her. Your mom may want to protect you, but she's going about it in the wrong way. You could learn a lot about life by simply observing what happens to your friend after she has reached the altar.
Sister Hopes to Break the Ice With Brother After 14 Years of Silence
DEAR ABBY: My brother, my only sibling, hasn't contacted me in 14 years. I have tried to figure out why. I wasn't mean to him, and we didn't fight. My cousin told me it's because I called him incessantly years ago. I don't recall having done such a thing.
I really miss and care about him. I live in a group home and wonder if he's ashamed of me. He has accomplished more job-wise than I have.
I want to move on with my life, but I continue to fixate on why he seems to hate me. I could use your opinion. What advice do you have for me? -- HIS SISTER IN MARYLAND
DEAR SISTER: What a sad situation. Not knowing your brother, I can't guess his reason for distancing himself. That's why I'm advising you to write him a letter. Tell him how you feel, that you miss and care about him and would like to know why he hasn't contacted you during all this time.
He may or may not respond. But if he doesn't, please understand that his silence has less to do with you or your living situation than it does about him and his inability to empathize. You have every right to live your life as fully and enjoyably as possible, and whatever happens, I hope you will do that.
Pausing for Funeral Procession Is Gesture of Respect
DEAR ABBY: I was out this morning for my daily run (facing toward traffic) and a very long funeral procession drove by on the other side of the road. The cars pulled over to the curb to let it pass. I continued to run, but now I feel guilty. Should I have stopped for the procession? -- UNSURE IN MICHIGAN
DEAR UNSURE: No rule of etiquette requires it. However, it would have been a gesture of respect and sympathy to have stopped running (and removed your cap if you were wearing one) until the procession had passed by.
Woman Weighs the Price of Marriage of Convenience
DEAR ABBY: After a marriage of many years, I have come to realize ours has become simply one of convenience. My husband is a negative and controlling person who gripes about everything and anything. He has developed no friendships or interests of his own, and I have to battle with him to even have a day to myself.
How many other women are like me -- stuck in loveless marriages without the resources to live on our own (at least in the lifestyle we are accustomed to)? Any advice for me? -- IN LIMBO OUT WEST
DEAR IN LIMBO: If my mail is any indication, you have lots of company in your boat. Many women stay because they are afraid to live alone or see nothing better on the horizon. No third party can or should answer this question for you.
Make a list of the pros and cons of your marriage, tally them up and weigh the cons against how you feel living the life you are living now. A licensed counselor may be able to steer you in the right direction -- which may entail marriage counseling and/or consulting a lawyer or your CPA about what other options you may have.
Schoolwork Threatens to Crowd Music out of Busy Girl's Life
DEAR ABBY: I'm a busy sixth-grade girl who has played piano for seven years. But my busy schedule gets in the way of piano because I have to prep for competitions. I love the piano, but I still need to keep up with my school schedule.
If I tell my grandma I want to quit piano, she'll be disappointed. I already quit violin in orchestra. So this means my music life will be over. Should I still do it or not? -- STRESSED OUT MUSICIAN
DEAR MUSICIAN: Unless your music causes your grades to drop, continue the piano for as long as you can. There may come a time when other things must take precedence, but you never can tell how beneficial your musical education may be when you're an adult.
You're an intelligent young woman, so let me share a true story with you: A man here in Los Angeles studied classical piano for many years. He had talent, but didn't consider himself good enough to make it his career. He married, went to law school, passed the bar -- and wound up becoming one of the most successful lawyers in town representing musicians and other entertainers.
You never can tell where life may lead, so the more talents you nourish, the wider your options will be.
DEAR ABBY: My husband demands we give our first child the name "Junior" as his legal first name, supposedly to honor the baby's paternal grandpa, who is also called Junior.
I am vehemently opposed to it because Junior is a title, not a name, and also because Grandpa is a notorious drunk, criminal and adulterer. I am open to any other name my husband may want, but he won't budge. Who should win out? -- DUE SOON IN SYRACUSE
DEAR DUE SOON: You should! Naming a child after someone is, indeed, supposed to be an honor, and from your description, your father-in-law isn't someone who deserves one.