TO MY READERS: A very merry Christmas to you all!
Unborn Daughter Will Be Taught to Ignore Grandpa's Old Ideas
DEAR ABBY: Over the years I have come to realize that my father-in-law is condescending toward women. He expects his wife will do all the cooking, cleaning and housework despite the fact that she has a demanding, full-time job and he doesn't work outside the home.
When we go to dinner over there, it is expected that the women will clean up and do the dishes while the men sit and talk at the table. I have never seen him lift a finger to help, and he frequently makes demeaning comments about his wife's cooking, among other things. He considers himself an expert on everything and frequently interrupts people (mostly women) to prove he "knows better." His behavior is rude and I am offended by it.
I am pregnant with my first child -- a daughter -- and I'm concerned about her growing up in this atmosphere. I don't want her raised thinking that men know better than women and that women are supposed to wait on men. My husband doesn't want to confront his father over this. How do we handle the situation? -- FIRST-CLASS CITIZEN IN FLORIDA
DEAR FIRST-CLASS: It appears your husband is as cowed by his father as your mother-in-law is or this wouldn't be happening. He could have put a stop to it years ago by simply getting up from the table and helping you and his mom clear the dishes while Dad kept himself company.
If you prefer your little girl not grow up in an atmosphere like this, see less of your in-laws. Be sure to tell your MIL why. And if you "must" subject your daughter to her grandfather's presence, point out to her that "Gramps" acts this way because his thinking is outdated. Explain that it is his attempt to make himself feel important, even if he isn't.
Cellphones Steal Precious Time Together for Chemo Patients and Spouses
DEAR ABBY: While waiting for my chemotherapy to finish along with two other patients (all three of us have little time left), one of them made a comment about his wife. She was sitting next to him as a visitor, continuously using her cellphone. He said, "She always plays games or talks on her phone while I just sit here!" He looked so sad.
I understand, because my husband does the same thing and has for years. Yesterday morning my husband came out of the bedroom and said, "How are you this morning?" I turned around and asked, "Are you talking to me?" It took a moment for me to realize he was actually addressing me and not someone on the other end of the phone. How sad! -- NEAR THE END
DEAR NEAR: I agree that it's sad. Your spouses will have the rest of their lives to regret the meaningful conversations they missed having, and the important things that were left unsaid because they were too busy hiding from reality on their cellphones.
Mom Is Exposed as Accomplice by Daughter's Rude Classmate
DEAR ABBY: My 7-year-old daughter, "Rosie," recently came home in tears because a classmate, "Emily," told her I was a liar and she was an idiot for believing my lies. Then Rosie asked me if I had been the one putting money under her pillow and presents under the tree all along. Ultimately, I told her that, yes, I had. But I stressed how important it was that she not ruin other kids' belief in the tooth fairy, etc.
The cat is out of the bag for my child, but do you think I should mention this to Emily's mother? We are friendly, but not close. She lives near me, so I run into her often. I'm not just upset that Emily told Rosie, but also that she was so rude. I don't want that girl to do this to more kids.
It's not about criticizing the mother's parenting skills. My kids need correction sometimes, too. I just believe it takes a village and we should all work together as parents. What are your thoughts? -- CAT'S OUT OF THE BAG IN MARYLAND
DEAR CAT'S OUT: It's a shame that your daughter got the news the way she did. But in situations like this, when one child knows something the others don't, it's not unusual for the child to share the "news."
Emily was out of line to have said what she did to your daughter, particularly in saying that she couldn't trust you, because it could have far-reaching implications. By all means have a word with Emily's mother.
DEAR ABBY: I have an extreme aversion to alcohol and those who consume it. I suspect that it comes from having a father who was a violent, emotionally abusive alcoholic. Alcohol has zero appeal for me and, as I'm in my mid-20s, it's difficult for me to go on outings with friends without having to go to a bar. I become that grumpy, silent person in the corner.
Because of this, my fiancee has begun socializing with her family and our friends without me. Most recently, they celebrated a sibling's 21st birthday and left me home across the country. Talking to her and knowing she's at a bar and drinking makes me extremely angry, and we almost always end up in a fight about it.
I know this is MY problem. Do you have any advice on getting over it? -- DOESN'T TOUCH THE STUFF IN LAS VEGAS
DEAR DOESN'T TOUCH: Yes. Either get counseling for your issues and to help you recognize that not everyone who enjoys an alcoholic beverage is an alcoholic, or find a woman to marry whose views more closely match your own. There is a support group called Adult Children of Alcoholics that might be helpful to you if you attend some meetings. You can find a group near you by going to www.adultchildren.org.
Wife's Payback for Cheating Husband Isn't Worth the Price
DEAR ABBY: I found out a few months ago that my husband, "Hal," the father of my children, has had affairs with five different women. I left, and we are now being divorced.
I desperately wanted revenge, so I have been secretly seeing Hal's good friend "Ron," whom he "forbade" me from contacting after I told him his infidelity and disrespect gave me permission to act on the attraction I had for Ron. It's just a friends-with-benefits situation and I am having fun, so I don't really consider it to be revenge.
Hal has spent the last five months begging me to forgive him and work on our marriage, but I no longer love him and I certainly don't trust him. I told him I would "work on" forgiving him, so now he calls, says he still loves me and flirts.
The last woman Hal cheated on me with is his current girlfriend. He told me that if I ever want to hook up, I should make sure to use code words when leaving messages because she might see my calls and text messages. He also told me that he is not interested in a longterm relationship with her.
I slept with Hal recently to have leverage. I was contemplating sending her the proof as payback for how she treated me some months back, although I don't want her boyfriend back. I am now questioning if this is the right thing to do. Should I just leave it alone? -- PAYBACK SOMEWHERE IN THE USA
DEAR PAYBACK: Yes, do it for everyone's sake -- including your own. This cycle of revenge is doing no one any good.
Late-Night Drinking Parties Are Cause for Husband's Concern
DEAR ABBY: Before we had kids, my wife and I would occasionally go out with groups of friends or to social functions, but it was difficult to get her to go home. She always liked closing the place down, and if we left early I felt like I was dragging her away.
For the first five years after our children were born we didn't get out much. My wife is now starting to go out with friends from work -- a mixed group of single and married guys and gals. She has invited me to come along, but sitters are expensive and I'm not friendly with her co-workers. She stays out with them until 3 to 4 a.m. once a month. I think that's ridiculously late when you have a husband and children at home.
When she's not here, I can't sleep and I worry that something is wrong. She rarely calls to check in unless I ask her to. Overall I trust her, but with her drinking heavily and many single guys around, I don't feel comfortable with the situation. I don't know what to do. -- LONELY DAD IN ARIZONA
DEAR LONELY DAD: I have it on good authority that last call for serving alcohol in Arizona is 2 a.m. Could your wife be drinking so heavily that she needs the time to sober up in order to drive home? If that's the case, she may be a binge drinker, which isn't healthy.
The implications of your letter are serious, so you should sit down with her and have a discussion about the amount she imbibes on her nights out. You shouldn't have to worry about her, so out of respect for your feelings, she should routinely let you know how long she'll be after the bars/clubs close.