THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: I'll pass along this pithy sentiment shared with me by former California Gov. Gray Davis. In a commencement speech to students graduating from Columbia Law School, Davis told them: "School is fair. Life is not. Just get used to it."
HUSBAND HOPES WIFE IS WILLING TO SPICE UP THEIR LOVE LIFE
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for quite a while, and our intimate life became monotonous and unimaginative a long time ago. Over the years I have suggested we try things like role-playing and other non-extreme variations during intimate times. My suggestions were met with rolling eyes and retorts like, "I'm your wife, not a hooker." I finally gave up and try to be content with what we have together.
Then one evening she surprised me and did one of the things I had suggested. It was very nice and she seemed to like it, too. I didn't know what to say to her. "Thank you" somehow seemed condescending. We have done nothing like it since.
I doubt if the answer is in the etiquette books. What should I have said to her to let her know how much I appreciated her loosening up and hope it will perhaps make her more comfortable spicing things up in the future? -- ETIQUETTE ADVOCATE IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR ADVOCATE: Praise is a powerful incentive. Flowers would have been nice. But since you didn't send any, try this: Invite your wife out to dinner at a nice restaurant. Tell her how surprised and delighted you were with the special surprise she gave you. A small gift to commemorate the occasion couldn't hurt either.
A satisfying sex life is all about communication, and if my mail is any indicator, if more wives were uninhibited in the bedroom, there would be a lot less business for the "professionals."
Woman Fears Breast Implants Could Come Between Her And Her Honey
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful man for two years and am in hopes of getting a proposal soon. We are both committed to staying pure before marriage and have not been intimate.
My question to you is, do I have to tell him, now or ever, that I have had breast implants? I did it several years ago, and it greatly improved my self-esteem. I'm glad I did it.
Since he has never felt any breasts, if I tell him, my fear is he will get hung up on the thought, "I wonder what real breasts feel like." On the other hand, if I don't tell him and sometime in the future he finds out, he may be like, "I can't believe you kept that from me." What would you advise? -- RETICENT IN KENTUCKY
DEAR RETICENT: Many women have breast enhancement surgery so their figures will be more balanced. For the reason you have mentioned, you should tell your boyfriend. It should make no difference to him. However, if it does, it's better that you know now before you spend any more time on someone who measures the worth of a woman by how "real" her breasts are.
P.S. If he wants to know what "real" breasts feel like, tell him to go hug his mother.
Woman Isn't Really Attracted to the Man of Her Dreams
DEAR ABBY: I am considered to be a quite attractive -- easily a nine or a 10 -- professional dancer here in Las Vegas. I recently met a guy who has literally met almost all my dream qualities for a life partner, husband and father of my future children.
The problem is, I'm not attracted to him. He's not ugly; he has symmetrical features, straight teeth, nice skin and is in pretty good shape, if a little on the skinny side. I have always dated muscular, very fit men who get me excited at the sight of them, and I'm wondering if there's something wrong with me because after nine months I'm still struggling with his looks.
I feel like there is no sexual chemistry. But we have another kind of chemistry because we get along great, and he motivates me to be a better person.
Am I shallow, or is the lack of sexual chemistry a sign that maintaining a successful long-term relationship won't happen? -- MISS PICKY IN LAS VEGAS
DEAR MISS PICKY: I'm not going to call you shallow. Whether lack of sexual chemistry is a deal-breaker for you depends upon how important sex is to you. From what you have told me, looks are a primary factor in what draws you to men. (It would be interesting to know how long the relationships you described lasted.)
Bear in mind that men who are Adonises can lose their looks if they don't consistently work at it -- just as women do. Much as we might wish it, looks don't always last forever. That's why, if you're looking for a long-term relationship, it's extremely important to take into consideration qualities that will last.
Family Unites In Decision To Forgo Treatment For Dying Mother
DEAR ABBY: My 67-year-old mother has vascular dementia and breast cancer. In accordance with her living will and many conversations we had before the dementia began, we (Mom, my sisters and I) have decided to forgo treatment. She has been widowed for 17 years; she watched her husband -- our father -- die from cancer. She lives in an excellent health care facility that will provide her with palliative care when the time is right.
My question is, how do we inform people (family and friends) of her diagnosis and of our treatment plan? Without knowing the whole story, without having seen her very recently, it seems everyone has an opinion on what we "should" do. How do we tell these people that, while we appreciate their concern, this is her decision without hurting their feelings and our relationships? -- FAMILY WITH A DILEMMA
DEAR DILEMMA: How do these unwanted advice givers know that you do not plan to subject your mother to treatments that would only prolong her decline? If you solicited their opinion, you made a mistake. If you didn't, then the last sentence of your letter -- if said kindly -- is an appropriate way to phrase the message.
Your mother's treatment plan is nobody's business but yours and your sisters'. If these are her wishes as stated in her advance directive for health care, then you should respect them. To do otherwise would be a betrayal of her trust.
Shoeless Dad Wants Slippers Inside His Daughters' Homes
DEAR ABBY: We have a couple of daughters who have told us we must take off our shoes if we visit them (and our beautiful grandchildren). Although I'm not sure of their reasons for this, I do know for sure that we have never tracked any kind of dirt into their house when we visited. In fact, our shoes are always clean.
I have very sensitive feet. I cannot even walk outside barefoot. On top of that, my feet get cold if they aren't covered. I have always worn house slippers at home if I didn't have shoes on.
In a discussion with my wife, I suggested that their request was both inconsiderate and disrespectful. I also said they should provide alternatives to shoes for visitors if they expect guests to remove their shoes. What is the proper etiquette in a situation like this? -- COLD FEET IN IOWA
DEAR COLD FEET: A person does not have to track "dirt" into a house to carry germs on the soles of one's shoes. If guests have walked on a sidewalk or driveway where someone has walked a dog or spat, then I can see why a parent might want shoes removed if children play on the floor.
Good manners in a case like this would be to cheerfully cooperate with your hosts and, if slippers are not provided, to bring a pair over that you can leave for the next time you visit. It's a small price to pay for spending time with your beautiful grandchildren.
DEAR ABBY: We have a 27-year-old nephew who lives at home with his parents. He is a good guy, but he doesn't drive. He has no physical or mental impairments that we are aware of, and all of his numerous family members have offered to teach him. But his nonchalant attitude toward learning has made everyone give up.
We live in a big city with poor public transportation, and his job is far from home. Catching the bus to work is unsafe and takes hours, and daily cab fare isn't cost effective. We know his parents aren't happy transporting him back and forth, and we think they need to push him toward more independence. His social life is limited to family events, and dating is out of the question.
We worry about what will happen as his parents are getting older, and none of us plan on assuming the responsibility of transporting him. Any suggestions? -- CONCERNED AUNT IN FLORIDA
DEAR CONCERNED AUNT: How do you know the parents aren't happy about transporting him? Have they said it? If so, the next time they vent, tell them you're concerned about their son and why. He may have additional problems that you are unaware of. He may simply be a late bloomer or have no incentive to be independent because his parents are happy with him snug in their nest.
However, if this is the elephant in the room that no one -- including the parents -- wants to acknowledge, keep mum because if you don't, you will be resented for it.