TO MY READERS: Have a happy, healthy and safe Fourth of July, everyone! -- LOVE, ABBY
Family's Anger Over Woman's Past Mistakes Still Lingers
DEAR ABBY: Two years ago I was involved in an unhealthy relationship for me and my children. Despite what everyone said, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He ended up assaulting me and my kids.
For two months I struggled with depression, and I admit I wasn't the responsible parent I should have been. Child Protective Services took the children. I hold myself accountable for my actions and my failure.
My parents are angry with me because of poor choices I made in the past and treat me like the black sheep of the family. Granted, my mother, brother and I all have issues stemming from the past, but I'm tired of playing the guilt card, tired of playing the victim and tired of not having my family back me up at a time when I need their support to regain custody of my kids.
I miss my family and what good times we did have. How do I even begin to put the pieces back together on a very broken family? -- THE BLACK SHEEP
DEAR BLACK SHEEP: Fixing your broken family is something all of you must be willing to work on together, or it won't be successful. Because your mother and brother are unwilling, what you need to do is start fixing yourSELF.
Regaining custody will depend upon your ability to establish your independence, support your children and yourself financially, and start counseling to deal with your issues so you won't get into another destructive, abusive relationship. It will take work and time, but if you can do it -- and I think you can -- your mother and brother will respect you for it. And you will be stronger and healthier because you will no longer be so needy.
Couple Doesn't See Eye-To-Eye On Man's Irregular Hours
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Gene" for three years, living together for a year and a half. We're both divorced and love each other very much.
Our biggest problem is, he doesn't keep a "normal" schedule. Gene eats at odd hours, exercises at the strangest times and will stay awake 'til the wee hours of the morning, then crash for a day or so. He seems unfazed by this wackiness. He's responsible, holds a good job and comes from a terrific family, but his habits are taking a toll on me.
There are days when I want him home for dinner, or I want to cuddle with him. I want a normal schedule. This is tricky because I have accepted his lifestyle and now the brakes have come on for me. Gene doesn't understand my sudden change of attitude, and frankly, neither do I.
Do I have only two choices -- accept him for who he is or find someone who follows a more conventional schedule? I love him so much that leaving would be very hard to do. -- WANTS A NORMAL LIFE
DEAR WANTS: It would be interesting to know what Gene does for a living. Does he work in a casino? Show business?
It's possible your change in attitude has come about because you now realize that you might be living his unconventional lifestyle for the rest of your life. Compromises you could make on a temporary basis can seem daunting when you see they'll be permanent.
If you need someone who lives his life on a normal schedule, one of you will have to make some changes. You will either have to accept this as your future or Gene will have to change his lifestyle. Because he seems to thrive on the schedule he's living on, the adjustment may be very difficult for him.
Homophobic Brother Changes His Tune When Daughter Comes Out
DEAR ABBY: I am a gay man who has had a difficult, distant relationship with my only brother, "Bill." He has made many nasty, homophobic remarks, and my partner, "Jon," has been excluded from many family gatherings. Because Jon wasn't welcomed I also did not attend those gatherings, and I endured further wrath because I didn't.
Bill's daughter has just announced that she is a lesbian. His reaction is mystifying. He has embraced her and her partner and has lovingly included them into the heart of the family.
I am happy that my niece has found love and support. I am also jealous that she has a better father than I did a brother. Are my feelings justified? -- SAD SIBLING IN VIRGINIA
DEAR SAD SIBLING: Of course your feelings are justified. You are human, and your skin isn't made of Teflon. It's sad that your brother couldn't have treated you and Jon with more compassion and understanding.
I find it interesting how people's perspective can radically change when a child of theirs is involved. Now let's see if your brother's attitude toward you changes, and how forgiving you and your partner can be if it does.
DEAR ABBY: I bought a friend a gift recently. Her response? "You should have just given me the money because I really need it." A few years ago, I was going to buy another friend an expensive pair of shoes and she convinced me not to because she said she could buy 10 pairs from a discount store for the amount I was planning to spend.
I love giving gifts during the holidays and for birthdays, and enjoy choosing things I think my friends might like or need. I hate giving money! Isn't part of the gift-giving experience for the giver, too?
I feel it should be my choice to buy whatever I want for someone, and their response should just be, "Thank you." It irks me when people dictate to me what I should give them. Am I just being a control freak, or do I have the wrong idea of gift-giving? -- GIFT GIVER IN TEXAS
DEAR GIFT GIVER: A thoughtful gift giver selects things the recipient can use and enjoy. A grateful recipient doesn't look a gift horse in the mouth and say she'd prefer the cash.
However, the woman who convinced you not to spend hundreds of dollars on a pair of designer shoes she might not be able to return was, I think, doing both of you a favor. While it's your prerogative to give whatever you want to whomever you want, don't you think it makes more sense to bestow something the person can use and enjoy than to satisfy your ego?
DEAR ABBY: Can you settle a dispute for me? When you go up to a house with two doors -- a regular door and a screen door -- and there is no doorbell, is it proper to open the first door and knock on the second door or is it considered rude? -- KNOCK, KNOCK
DEAR KNOCK, KNOCK: Because in the absence of a doorbell the only way you can make your presence known would be to knock, open the screen door and knock. Then step back and close the screen door so you're not intruding on the space of the person who answers it.
Husband's 'Harmless Escapade' Has Broken His Wife's Heart
DEAR ABBY: I just found out that my husband of 30 years is having an affair. When I confronted him, he said: "I have a girlfriend. I can't imagine the rest of my life without girlfriends, so get over it!" Then he told me he has never been faithful, but that he loves me and would be devastated if I left. He considers his fooling around to be "safe and harmless escapades."
Abby, my heart is broken. He has flaunted this woman in my face, and embarrassed and humiliated me in public. Now he's angry with me because I told her husband what is going on.
How do I find the strength and courage to leave? I have some health issues and haven't worked in years. What do I tell our kids? My world is crashing down around my ears. -- HEARTBROKEN IN THE SOUTH
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Your husband's "escapades" are neither safe nor harmless to YOU. His behavior is callous, hurtful and disrespectful.
It's very important that you remain calm and do nothing in haste. You will be better able to weigh your options if you talk to an attorney and find out what you're entitled to after having been married to this man for 30 years. And if you feel it would be helpful, find a licensed counselor to talk to.
Pregnant Wife's Emotions Are Causing Resentment in New Husband
DEAR ABBY: I'm a new husband, and things I thought I could tolerate before we were married are really bugging me now. I raised a daughter with another woman, and my current wife deleted every picture of her -- from sonograms to her second birthday -- and won't let me keep anything of hers.
I understand she wants our lives to be about us, but I try to keep it separate and the resentments are starting to fester. I'd confront her, but she's pregnant and has been extra emotional about me even leaving for work.
What do I do? Should I wait eight more months for the baby and then say something? I'm afraid I will snap before then. -- NEW HUSBAND IN WYOMING
DEAR NEW HUSBAND: I'm no doctor, but you and your wife need to consult one. She appears to be suffering from severe emotional problems. Her internist and gynecologist should be told what's going on so she can start counseling and possibly medication to help her with her extreme insecurity. That she would have problems about you "even leaving for work" is not normal behavior, and you should waste no time in dealing with this.
Sister's Demands on Her Family Get Pushback From Mom
DEAR ABBY: My sister "Beth" has a boyfriend, "Danny." They have a 6-month-old baby girl. Neither one has a driver's license, and they both have low-paying part-time jobs.
Beth expects us to baby-sit, take her to the doctor, etc. Mom is now starting to refuse to do more than baby-sit on Sunday, because she says Beth needs to get her license and look for a better job, and it won't happen until she's "pushed to the wall." Only then will she realize she has to.
I agree, but I feel Beth and Danny should pursue their dreams. It takes money to get a license, and where we live there is no public transportation. What's your take on this tug-of-war? -- BIG BROTHER IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR BIG BROTHER: Listen to your mother. The chances of your sister and her boyfriend attaining their dreams while working at low-paying part-time jobs are not great. What they need now is help in gaining their independence. While your mother may have put it in harsh terms, she has the right idea.