For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)
Stoic Mother Holds Steady for Son About to Be Deployed
DEAR ABBY: Since the moment my oldest son, "Ryan," enlisted in the U.S. Army, our family has been concerned he would be deployed. Although Ryan graduated from high school near the top of his class and had prepared for university, his plans were thwarted when deployment orders came to face off with ISIS in a combat engineer role. He leaves soon for the Middle East.
Abby, I need your insight in understanding why I am not falling apart. My other children are, my relatives are, and people I speak to are stunned that I'm holding it together. I try to explain that I support my son and must be strong for my family, but am I in denial? Everyone else is falling apart while I, who adore him and can't envision a life without him, seem to be holding steady.
What's going on with me? Am I a flawed mother? I feel like I'm disappointing others who would prefer to see a soldier's mother grieve and agonize over her son's departure, anticipating the worst. Your thoughts are most welcome. -- BAFFLED IN THE SOUTH
DEAR BAFFLED: You are not "flawed." Not everyone handles emotionally charged situations in the same way. While you may be numb with shock, you may also be calm, stoic and not show your feelings openly. It's also possible that you may be "postponing" any negative emotions until if and when it's necessary to experience them. My reaction is that no one should judge you -- least of all yourself right now.
DEAR ABBY: I'm the father of a beautiful, intelligent 9-year-old daughter I'll call Stella. About three years ago, her mother married a man from an affluent family and moved three hours away. In order to be closer to Stella, I moved there as well.
I have been divorced for six years now, and my relationship with my daughter has not improved during that time. I spend every Thursday afternoon with her and every other weekend. She recently joined a basketball team, and I go to her practices and games.
My biggest concern -- and pain -- is, whenever Stella is with me she cries for her mother. It hurts, because I have tried hard to foster a relationship with my daughter and have been unable to. I took her to Disney World and she spent half the time crying. I ask myself if I am only hurting her or if I should continue to see her. Can you give me some advice? -- DISAPPOINTED DADDY IN TEXAS
DEAR DISAPPOINTED DADDY: Have you talked to Stella's mother and asked her what's going on with your daughter? By age 9 she's a little old for separation anxiety. Not knowing everyone involved, my first reaction is to wonder if there has been parental alienation happening.
My second is to suggest that you enlist the help of a licensed family therapist to find out why Stella acts this way every time she's alone with you. If the problem is that she is immature, ride things out. If it's something more, then it's important you get to the bottom of it.
GIVE GIFT OF YOUR SERVICE TO HELP OUT OLDER PARENTS
DEAR ABBY: For those who are looking for gift suggestions for older parents, may I offer what my kids do for us? They live far away and usually visit us in the spring and fall.
Before they leave, my daughter scrubs my bathroom shower and the rest of the room, cleans my refrigerator, oven, kitchen cabinets, my carpets -- things that are difficult for me to do. While she's inside doing that, my son-in-law is outside trimming trees and bushes, doing general yard cleanup in the spring and raking leaves and disposing of them in the fall.
In addition, during the months before their visit, my daughter is setting aside and freezing small portions of entrees so we will have future dinners from her meals. She also freezes an assortment of different soups in zip-lock bags, laid flat so they will fit well in my freezer. While they're here, they cook all the meals and do the cleanup. What a wonderful gift!
Even if some families don't cook, they could make up small meals with deli purchases and freeze them for their parents. Nothing could be appreciated more. Instead of buying a useless gift because "We didn't know what to get you -- you said you didn't want anything," these are gifts that keep on giving! -- TRULY BLESSED IN MONTANA
DEAR TRULY BLESSED: I agree. And you are fortunate to have such caring family members. Please allow me to offer some additional gift suggestions for seniors:
Many individuals on fixed incomes would appreciate a gift basket of goodies such as small cans of tuna, salmon or soup. Include with them crackers, assorted flavors of instant coffee, herbal teas, soup mixes and cookies.
Gift certificates also make welcome gifts: for groceries, haircuts, manicures, dry cleaning, restaurant meals, theater tickets and department stores. And don't forget prepaid calling cards.
Create homemade coupons that can be redeemed for chores such as window washing, painting, replacing air conditioning filters and light bulbs, moving heavy furniture for spring and fall cleaning, and transportation for shopping, doctor's visits, etc.
Because not all seniors drive, bus passes and coupons for senior transportation or taxis can also give the recipient the gift of freedom.
Sweat pants, athletic socks and walking shoes may motivate the sedentary to become more active -- which improves circulation and cognition for people of every age.
Stationery, stamps and some felt-tipped pens make handy gifts that can be used throughout the year. And so do large-print address books with the information already transferred from the recipients' records.
And please, don't forget that the holiday season can be a depressing time for people who are alone. I am often asked for gift ideas for the person "who already has everything." My answer: The greatest gift a person can give is the gift of yourself. If you know someone who could use an outing, offer the most meaningful gift of all -- an invitation to share a meal with you or your family.
RECOVERING ADDICT MUST FIGHT BATTLE WITHOUT FAMILY SUPPORT
DEAR ABBY: I am a former drama queen and addict now enjoying long-term sobriety, or trying to. What's missing in my life is my family. Since returning from rehab, I have been "going it alone" -- and I'm not sure why.
My kids are the only grandchildren in the family. I work and go to school. I am pleasant. There have been some rough spots I have had to deal with, and when I have needed to, I have called my mom or sister, but they don't call me or visit. They have expressed no love for me through all of this. When I call, I feel like I'm intruding.
Aren't I entitled to their love and caring? I feel abandoned. It's hard doing things on my own. My family lives close by, so distance isn't the issue. What am I missing?
I want my kids and me to have a family, but when I try to reach out, I end up hurt by their lack of interest. Should I just get on with my life? I have been going through this for years. -- MOVING ON IN FLORIDA
DEAR MOVING ON: It's possible that the "drama" and turmoil you put your family through while in the throes of your addiction is the reason your mother and sister avoid you. They may be reluctant to take a chance again.
Because they have made it plain that they aren't interested in a closer relationship with you and your children, you should absolutely get on with your life. Sobriety isn't easy to attain, and you have every right to enjoy yours to the fullest.
It would be healthier for you to stop courting rejection and "create" a caring family for yourself and your children. Many people do this for a variety of reasons. It's not unusual for people in recovery to socialize with others like themselves. Start there, because it would be better for all of you to spend your time with people who welcome and appreciate you.
Man's Attachment To Family Threatens To Derail Marriage Plans
DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Bryan," is a mama's boy. There's nothing wrong with loving your parents and being close to them, but his family takes it to the extreme. Bryan must see them multiple times a week, call and text them all the time, and they still don't get enough. Then they usually call wanting something or needing our help.
Bryan and I have worked hard to get where we are, and we can't always be at their beck and call. His sister says I have "changed him" because he doesn't come around as often anymore.
I'm 21 and Bryan is 24. I don't think he realizes that growing up means leaving the nest and detaching from the family a bit. I understand closeness, but if I'm going to be his wife, I'm scared I won't come first. What happens if we have a child who needs him, but Bryan has to bail his mama out of something? -- GETTING WORRIED IN GEORGIA
DEAR GETTING WORRIED: Do not wait until you have a child to find out that the two of you will never agree on this. Find out now. Sometimes the most important conversations are the most difficult to engage in. You and Bryan need to have a serious talk about how you feel about his relationship with his parents and sister, because unless you come to a mutual understanding, it will become a source of constant irritation after you two are married, and you will both be unhappy.