What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I was married to a wonderful woman who passed away five months ago after a heart attack. Why do people act as if the one who has passed away never existed? Please talk about her. Talk about her often. Tell me good things about her.
If you wonder about the right thing to say -- and I believe all mourners should hear it -- here it is: Tell me my wife loved me, tell me I made her happy, tell me she knew I loved her and knew she made me happy. Repeat it as often as you can. Out of all the friends we had, only one couple said those words to me. When I heard them I cried, but I was also comforted.
Also, it seems like many of my so-called friends have fallen off the face of the earth. Now is when they are needed most. I wish I knew why they don't come to see me. Is it me? -- ALONE IN ALABAMA
DEAR ALONE: Probably not. There could be more than one reason for it. With many couples, it is the wife who "nurtures" the social relationships. Also, your friends may be afraid that because they are couples and you are a widower, you might be uncomfortable spending time with them.
Something similar may be causing their reluctance to talk about your wife. They may fear that bringing her up in conversation will somehow cause you pain, which is why they avoid it. Death is an uncomfortable subject for many people, but I hope my readers will take your comments to heart.
If you want to end your isolation, you may have to call your friends and invite them instead of being passive and waiting for them to contact you. Please accept my sympathy for your loss.
Couple Can't Agree On 25th Anniversary Celebration
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are approaching our 25th wedding anniversary. I think it's quite an accomplishment, since many of the couples we know have called it quits.
I'd like to celebrate with a wedding-themed party with our friends and family, renewing our vows in front of them. In addition, I'd like my girlfriends to wear a bridesmaid dress from a wedding they have been in and stand with me.
My husband thinks a party would be "showing off" and that we should celebrate quietly, just the two of us. I'm surprised we could be married for so long and not be able to come to an agreement about this. How should we celebrate this big day? -- UNDECIDED IN NEW YORK
DEAR UNDECIDED: It's not showing off to renew wedding vows on significant anniversaries -- many people do, and a silver anniversary definitely qualifies. A party would be appropriate, but rather than expect your friends to dig old bridesmaid's dresses out of their closets -- if they even have them -- wouldn't it be more considerate to give them the option of wearing cocktail dresses they feel comfortable in if they wish? Hopefully, most if not all of them are also happily married, and if that's the case, I'm sure your anniversary party won't seem like one-upmanship to anyone.
Traveler's Joy Is Diminished by Sister's Endless Teasing
DEAR ABBY: I am a single woman who raised three kids on one average income. They are all grown and on their own now. I still save and have a tight budget, but now I can spend some money on travel. I have opportunities to travel with friends and do it as often as I can afford.
The problem is my brother-in-law and sister love to tease, and they tell everyone that I'm "the rich sister." Abby, I am far from rich. I have asked them both to stop and told them their teasing hurts my feelings -- that I simply choose to spend my money differently than they do.
Our relationship has now become very strained. I have only one sister and would like to be close to her, but I can't laugh off their teasing any longer. -- HURT TRAVELER
DEAR HURT TRAVELER: When people persist in doing -- or saying -- something after being told it's hurtful, one has to wonder if it's not about humor at all. I suspect that your sister and her husband are somewhat jealous over the friendships you have and the adventures you are enjoying.
You might be subjected to this less if you become more close-mouthed about what you're doing and where you're going. Give it a try. But if the "teasing" continues, tell "Sissy" she's going to be seeing a lot less of you and then follow through.
Suspicion Of Infidelity Adds Angst To Marriage Whose Fire Has Gone Out
DEAR ABBY: I've been with my second husband for almost five years, married for two. After a year, we became more like roommates than spouses. At one point I caught him kissing a mutual friend in our bathroom. When I confronted them, they assured me it was innocent. Her husband has now confirmed his suspicions with me that something was going on, but there was never any solid proof.
My husband enjoys my company, but the lack of affection and my continued suspicion are affecting my self-esteem. The other day I asked him why he married me, and he answered because I was "nice." He refuses to go to counseling and said he doesn't want a divorce.
I feel like an idiot, but I just don't want to leave. What is wrong with me? What should I do? -- IN LIMBO IN WASHINGTON
DEAR IN LIMBO: You will find the answers you need as soon as you decide that, regardless of whether your husband is willing to go to counseling, it's time for you to go. Having already caught him in a compromising position, you have every right to be suspicious. There's nothing wrong with you -- except perhaps that you are too "nice."
You are going to have to decide if living like brother and sister is an arrangement you are willing to live with forever because the relationship you have described isn't a normal marriage, and the longer it continues, the worse you will feel about yourself.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to know why people say, "Oh, you have a new hairdo," and then never say if it is good or bad. Or, "You have new curtains or new flooring," and then never say another word. Why do they just say nothing? -- CURIOUS IN COLORADO
DEAR CURIOUS: Perhaps because people often notice change before making up their minds whether they think it's positive or negative, and they are speaking to you without a filter.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $14 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)
CLANDESTINE FAMILY AFFAIR NEEDS COMPLETE CONFESSION
DEAR ABBY: I recently found out my daughter has been having an affair with her sister's husband. This will tear our family apart. It will also have a huge impact on my grandchildren.
I have not yet told my wife, who will be devastated, but I'm having trouble carrying this burden alone. I feel they should be held accountable. Should I look the other way, or make them responsible for their actions, knowing the hell it will create? -- STRESSING IN THE USA
DEAR STRESSING: What an unfortunate mess. Please do not assume that you are responsible for any damage that may result from this affair. Because you know about it, it's logical to assume that it's only a matter of time until others find out what has been going on.
That's why you should talk to your daughter. Tell her you know about the affair and will now have to inform her sister, who deserves to know that her marriage is in serious trouble and why. If you do, it may save the marriage.
Party Guest Is Put Out When Asked To Help Clean Up
DEAR ABBY: In the past few months I have gone to different parties for friends from my church group. I always go to the celebrations eager to meet and chat with people I haven't seen in years.
However, one thing bothers me about these get-togethers. Toward the middle of the event, I often get approached by the host who will ask me to assist with a certain task such as setting up the table, clearing or even doing the dishes. No one else is ever asked to help.
I was raised in a family that emphasized good manners and to always be willing to help a friend. But in these situations I feel uncomfortable because I don't want to refuse my host and I was invited as a "guest."
Isn't it rude for a host to ask a guest to help clean? If so, what would be the appropriate response? -- INFRINGED UPON IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR INFRINGED UPON: Whether it's presumptuous to ask depends upon how close the host is to the guest being asked to lend a hand. Some people would consider it a compliment; however, if you're not close, it is presumptuous. And if you prefer not to be recruited, all you have to say is, "I'd rather not."
DEAR READERS: Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and no Thanksgiving would be complete without my sharing the traditional prayer penned by my dear mother:
Oh, Heavenly Father,
We thank Thee for food and remember the hungry.
We thank Thee for health and remember the sick.
We thank Thee for friends and remember the friendless.
We thank Thee for freedom and remember the enslaved.
May these remembrances stir us to service,
That Thy gifts to us may be used for others.
Amen.
Have a safe and happy celebration, everyone! -- Love, ABBY