TO MY JEWISH READERS: Tonight at sundown, Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the Jewish calendar, begins. It's a day of fasting, reflection, prayer and repentance. To all of you, may your fast be an easy one.
DAD'S OTHER WOMAN CAUSES STRESS THROUGHOUT FAMILY
DEAR ABBY: My father is dating a woman who is not only my ex-boyfriend's mother, but also the woman he cheated on my mother with and left her for. I don't want to be around her and have told my father this, but he doesn't accept or respect my feelings. Being around them causes stress on my marriage because my husband doesn't want to be around her either, and we don't want her around our children.
This is causing so much stress that at times I'm afraid it could end our marriage. When I try to talk to Dad about this, he acts like there is no reason for me to be uncomfortable and blames my husband for these feelings. It's like he completely denies that there is any way I could feel the way I do, even though she has brought nothing but negativity into my life.
I don't know what to do. I want to still have a relationship with my dad, but my marriage comes before this. How can I keep both? -- IN THE MIDDLE IN PENSACOLA
DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: Your father refuses to acknowledge your feelings because he sees you only as an extension of himself. Your opinions "surely" must match his own, and if they don't, then they must have been planted there by someone else. In his mind, he and his lady friend have done nothing wrong, so how could you possibly object? That you could have a moral compass that points in a different direction is not on his radar.
Because your dad insists on imposing this woman on your family, recognize that you probably can't have one without the other. That will mean seeing your father far less than you would like, and away from your husband and children -- if at all. Under no circumstances should you allow your father to destroy your marriage as he did his own.
DEAR ABBY: I was wondering if you could help me out with a co-worker who is constantly on her phone. Four, five, sometimes eight times a day she is making and accepting personal calls. It's very distracting to the rest of the office. When she's not at her desk, it's then my responsibility to cover for her.
I would like to find a polite way to say "these phone calls can be made after hours." I do not want to ruffle any feathers. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. -- TOO CHICKEN TO TALK
DEAR TOO CHICKEN: The company's policy on personal calls during business hours should be a part of the employee handbook. If it isn't, it should be brought to the attention of your employer or supervisor so it can be included when the handbook is updated.
Ideally, the person to speak to your co-worker about this would be your boss. Because these calls are distracting the other employees, your boss should be made aware of it so he or she can deal with it.
DEAR ABBY: You missed the chance to communicate a life-or-death message to your readers when you answered a letter from an "Ohio Grandma" (July 14).
Your reply understated the importance of storing medications properly and safely. What if the grandmother had placed a loaded gun on the desk instead of medications? Both can produce just as deadly a result.
And why didn't those meds have safety lids? Putting them in a suitcase is not enough. They should be stored out of reach, preferably secured with a safety lock. Or better yet, the parents should be told you have dangerous substances with you -- and asked where you can store them. -- MOM OF A TODDLER IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR MOM: I was scolded for not placing more emphasis on the safety issue. However, the question I was asked was, "Are we obligated to help with more of the medical expenses (for the ER visit) because we have already helped (contributed several hundred dollars) and I don't think it's our job to teach our grandchild boundaries?" So that was the issue on which I focused. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: You dropped the ball. No 3-year-old will respect a closed door all of the time. Grandma and Grandpa are responsible for the safe-keeping of their meds while in the child's and even the grandparents' home. Bottles that rattle and pretty colors in a bottle that look like candy will attract any little kid. Grandma and Grandpa should be happy they aren't helping to pay for a funeral instead of an ER visit. Here are the "rules":
1. All medications should be in kid-proof containers.
2. All medications and OTC drugs should be kept out of a curious child's climbing area.
3. Poison Control numbers should be posted on the fridge.
4. Use the original container (not one of those daily dosage containers) and know how many pills are in it. Be sure you know the name, strength and dosage for each medication. Just telling the hospital that it's for "blood pressure" doesn't tell them what it is or how to treat an overdose.
5. Never tell the kids that medication is candy!
6. You are the adult. Don't expect any child -- or teen -- to respect your private property when it comes to medication. -- MESQUITE, TEXAS, GRANDMA
DEAR ABBY: "Ohio Grandma's" story of an emergency room visit for suspected medication poisoning is all too common. In 2011, 67,700 toddlers were seen for accidental medication exposure. Of these, 12,390 required hospitalization. Children 13 to 24 months of age accounted for 68 percent of these visits. In ER visits where information was obtained, 38 percent involved grandparents' medications, 31 percent the mother's medications, 12 percent a sibling's, 8 percent the father's and 5 percent an aunt's or uncle's medication.
Family members must take precautions to keep their meds out of children's hands. I keep mine under lock and key with the key in my possession whenever I visit my grandchildren.
While I agree with you that children should be taught boundaries and to respect the possessions of others, I believe we have a responsibility to provide a safe environment, especially when we are visiting or when children are visiting us. The consequences of failing to do that can be tragic. -- PEDIATRICIAN AND GRANDMOTHER IN MAINE
Truck Driver Spreading Herpes Is Out of Ex-Wife's Control
DEAR ABBY: Last year I found a bottle of Valtrex in my husband's car. He had been taking the medicine for months.
When I asked him about it, he lied. I was devastated when I realized I had been exposed to herpes. He actually tried to say he got it from me, but later he admitted that he had been stepping out with random women while working out of town. (He's a truck driver.) I had a blood test and thankfully I didn't catch it.
What is the doctor's responsibility in informing the spouse? I'm sure my ex is going to sleep around and infect others. We are divorced now, so I'm free of his lying and cheating, but I am fearful for others. He's so lowdown that he will spread it to other women and not care. Should I be concerned, or should I just leave it alone since he's not my problem anymore? -- HEARTBROKEN IN ALABAMA
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Unless your husband gave his physician permission to reveal his medical status to you, the doctor was bound by HIPAA regulations, and by law could not warn you that your husband had an STD. (Yes, I agree this aspect of the law is disgusting.)
Much as you might wish to, there's nothing you can do to control your former spouse's behavior. My doctor tells me that herpes is most contagious during an outbreak. The risk is far less when the person is not shedding the virus. Valtrex further decreases the chances of spreading it, although it's still possible.
If the result of the blood test you were given was negative, then you have never been exposed. However, if you have any symptoms, such as itching or swollen lymph nodes in your groin, you should let your OB/GYN know right away.
DEAR ABBY: My 57-year-old sister has had many career problems. She's well-educated, personable, professional and punctual, but she quits or is let go from one job after another within weeks because "it wasn't a good fit." She seems to be holding out for what she had 25 years ago -- a well-paying position supervising clerks. But jobs like that don't exist anymore.
She's excellent at working with small children and the elderly and has significant experience doing so, but she believes such jobs are "beneath" her. I'm her only close relative, and I'm afraid she'll eventually turn to me for financial support -- something my husband and I cannot afford to provide. What can I do or say to make her realize that a steady job is what she really needs for the next 10 years? -- SENSIBLE SIB IN ARIZONA
DEAR SENSIBLE SIB: Tell your sister exactly what you have written to me: "Sis, what you need is a steady job for the next 10 years, because if you're counting on support from me, I'm telling you now my husband and I can't afford to give it to you." It's short, sweet, and it may be the wake-up call she needs before it's too late.