TO MY ASIAN FRIENDS: Today marks the first day of the Lunar New Year. It's the Year of the Horse. The horse is a symbol of traveling, competition and victory. May it be a winning year! -- Love, ABBY
Family's Ties Begin to Fray Under Man's Relentless Anger
DEAR ABBY: My husband is a hard worker, a good provider and a good dad. However, he's angry all the time. It has been this way for as long as I can remember. He is aware of it, and always promises me that when this or that settles down, things will get better, but they never do.
When he sees something on TV or reads something in the paper that upsets him, he can say really vile and violent things. Often when he thinks things the kids and I do are not good enough, he borders on being verbally abusive.
His friends say I'm a "saint" for putting up with him, but lately all I feel is tired out and worn down by it. I have spoken to him about this numerous times, and it improves for a few days, then it starts all over. I'm not sure how much longer I can last.
He reads your column, and I'm hoping he'll see this and realize how bad things really are. I have asked him to go to counseling, but he hasn't been willing. Do you think there's anything I can do besides leaving that will make him see what he is doing to me and the kids? -- READY TO LEAVE
DEAR READY TO LEAVE: Your husband may be a good provider and a hard worker, but I seriously question whether he is as good a dad as you would like to think. Children need their parents' encouragement and approval, as well as their patience and counsel.
When they are given a constant barrage of angry putdowns from a parent, they begin to internalize it. They think such behavior is normal, which means they will repeat it in their relationships when they are older. Or, they may think they deserve to be treated that way and choose mates who treat them like Dad did. Kids with low self-esteem also tend to choose friends who are like themselves, which can cause even more problems.
There is something you can do besides leave right now. Make an appointment for yourself with a licensed psychotherapist and take the children with you. That way, your husband can foot the bill while all of you get your heads straight and you make up your mind if you're serious about leaving. (Alternatively, he can finally admit he needs help with his anger issues and schedule an appointment for himself.)
Man Makes Hasty Childrearing Decision With Sister
DEAR ABBY: I'm engaged to be married soon, and I'm concerned about a commitment my fiance, "Jeff," made to his older sister "Beth." Beth is planning on having a child through a sperm donor and has asked Jeff to be a "father figure" once the child is born.
He has doubts about the wisdom of her plan to parent a child alone, but he doesn't want to hurt her feelings and is flattered to have been asked to fulfill such an important task. He agreed to do it without discussing it with me. Beth is very nice, and Jeff's family has embraced me and I don't want to cause trouble.
Jeff and I plan on having several children of our own, and we also plan to move out of state in the next few years. I am wondering how this commitment will affect that possibility.
I am uncomfortable with Jeff making a lifelong commitment to serve as a father figure to another person's child, especially when he hasn't established what it entails. I'm worried that this will cause conflict in our marriage if he goes through with it.
Am I overreacting? I know I need to discuss this with my fiance. How do you suggest I proceed? -- UNSURE IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR UNSURE: You're not overreacting, and I agree that before this goes any further, you and Jeff need to talk. Open the discussion by telling him that you're not comfortable and why. Suggest he talk to his sister and find out exactly what she meant when she asked him to be a father figure.
He also needs to tell her he may have spoken too soon when he agreed, because he had not first discussed it with you and that the two of you plan to leave the state in the next few years. She needs that important information because it may alter her choice about who should fill that important role.
Daughter Acts Like a Winner, but Still Feels Like a Loser
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 27-year-old woman who still lives at home. I do it so I can help my mom with my five nieces and nephews. Their mother passed away suddenly in 2009 at the age of 30. My mom and stepdad kept them rather than scatter them to fathers who don't appear very interested in them.
Since my sister's death I have earned two degrees, entered the health care field and have lost almost 140 pounds. Despite what I have accomplished, I feel I have nothing to show for myself. When I point my accomplishments out to myself, they don't seem like a heck of a lot. What can I do so I can stop feeling like a loser? -- LOST IN THE NORTHEAST
DEAR LOST: A loser? From where I sit, you appear to be not only a caring daughter, but also an intellectually accomplished young woman who is being very hard on herself. If you feel you haven't accomplished a lot, I have to question the yardstick you're using.
It's time you discussed your feelings with a licensed mental health professional who can help you understand what is causing your low self-esteem. If you do, it may help you be kinder to yourself, because what's currently going on in your head is unfair to you and destructive.
DEAR ABBY: I work in a buffet restaurant. I wish you would alert your readers to how waste increases the costs at restaurants like this one. And then people complain because the cost of the food goes up!
I have seen customers stick their fingers or used utensils into pans of food to taste it before serving themselves. And instead of the tongs we provide, they use their hands to help themselves to chicken, bread, etc.
The fact is that once anyone touches the food with his or her hands or eating utensil, the restaurant is required by the health code to dispose of the entire pan of food. This causes tremendous waste. Customers also overfill their plates only to throw half the food away. It makes me sad because so many people in this world are hungry.
I have seen children run around, making a mess of the dessert bar, and especially the ice cream and drink stations. Their parents seem to think it's "cute."
I wish you would remind your readers to use common sense when dining out and to please control their children. The parents should serve food to their little ones who don't know better. -- FRUSTRATED BUFFET WORKER, PUEBLO, COLO.
DEAR FRUSTRATED: Children can't practice behavior they haven't been taught, and parents who don't take the time to explain proper behavior to their little ones are shirking their responsibility.
As to adults who have so little understanding of hygiene -- or consideration for others -- that they put their hands or used utensils into food that is meant for others, well -- perhaps after being reminded that it raises the prices they have to pay, they'll think twice about it. But don't bet on it.
DEAR ABBY: I was wondering what is the appropriate level of give and take in a friendship? I notice that in some relationships I am always giving and never receiving, where in others I am always receiving. How do you know when a balance is reached? -- JAKE IN ALBANY, GA.
DEAR JAKE: There is give and take in all healthy relationships. A "balance is reached" when you can give without feeling used, and take without feeling guilty that you're being given too much.
Husband's Plumbing Help Results in Leaky Marriage
DEAR ABBY: I have been with my husband for 19 years. I offered his plumbing services to a married couple I work with. While he was fixing the problem, he became friendly with their adult daughter. She was lonely and I knew the family, so I wasn't concerned. Their relationship developed into something more and we separated. He ended their friendship and we reconciled.
Things were going great, but she continued to contact him. He has suddenly decided he can't live without her friendship and has decided to divorce me in order to continue it with her. He swears it's platonic, but something he can't live without. He hopes we can "still be friends"!
My question is how to move on from this. I have to see her enabling parents every day at work, and all of this happened under their roof. I feel betrayed on every level, especially by my husband, who was my best friend. Every aspect of my life, including my job, has been affected.
Have you any advice for moving past this without all of the anger I carry? I don't want to leave my job. It pays well and the commute is easy. But every time I see either one of the parents, I want to cry and scream.
P.S. My husband and I still live together as "roommates," as this is all very recent, and we haven't figured out our living arrangements yet. -- WRONGED IN NEW ENGLAND
DEAR WRONGED: I do not for one minute believe that your husband's relationship with this woman is strictly platonic, and neither should you. Consult a lawyer now, while you and your husband are still "roommates." Make sure he doesn't hide any assets because, after 19 years of marriage, you should be entitled to a healthy share of them.
I agree that you have been wronged, but for now hang onto your temper. "Best friends" don't treat each other the way you have been treated. It may take the help of a religious adviser or licensed mental health professional for you to let go of your anger.
DEAR ABBY: My friend of five years, "Gigi," has a heart of gold. However, we were raised differently. Gigi comes into my home when I'm not here and borrows whatever she needs without telling me. And whether I'm here or not, she feels free to go through everything -- personal documents, my drawers and cabinets. Nothing is safe from her fingers or her eyes.
I have tolerated her behavior because when I tried talking to her about it, she became upset and started crying, which made her husband irate. I'm now dating a man who values his privacy, and my friend's behavior bothers him. He's friendly with Gigi's husband and deals with my friend only out of respect for her husband.
How can I get her to leave things alone without her having another meltdown? I don't want to lose a friend, but my boyfriend has a valid point that I happen to agree with. -- INVADED IN TEXAS
DEAR INVADED: How does this woman get into your home when you're not there? Does she have a key? If she does, ask for it back or change your locks. And when you know Gigi is coming over, place anything you would prefer this nosy woman not peruse out of sight or under lock and key. That way, you can reclaim your privacy without being directly confrontational.