TO MY JEWISH READERS. Tonight at sundown, Yom Kippur, our Day of Atonement begins. For observant Jewish people, this is a time to fast, to reflect, to pray and formally repent for any sins that might have been committed during the previous Hebrew year. To all of you, may your fast be an easy one.
Safe Cycling Practices Get Short Shrift From Bike Riders
DEAR ABBY: Now that California law prohibits drivers from using cellphones and texting while driving, an additional issue needs to be addressed and acted upon. Bicyclists are supposed to abide by the vehicle codes, too, but they rarely do -- and that includes not wearing protective gear.
I'm now seeing people on bikes texting, talking while riding and routinely ignoring stop signs. Disappointingly, I have never seen a single rider pulled over or ticketed for doing this. How many lives must be destroyed or lost before the police start enforcing penalties for the danger these people cause to others? -- CARING READER, SACRAMENTO, CALIF.
DEAR CARING READER: You're asking something I have been asking myself for some time. I understand that teenagers may think they're immortal as they whiz along the streets, but the adults I see weaving in and out and ignoring stop signs are old enough to know better.
Many cities promote bicycling as a way to mitigate traffic congestion and encourage a healthier, more active lifestyle. Police may ignore the infractions because they have more serious crimes to attend to. Or perhaps they have been instructed to do so. (If members of law enforcement would like to address this, I'd love to hear from you.)
While I'm on the subject of cyclists, I should mention my own concern about riders who wear dark clothing and ride after dark. Not all neighborhoods are well lit, and I have seen near misses because of it.
Although dark colors are fashionable, wouldn't it make sense for people who ride at night to wear jackets with reversible linings in a lighter color? (I have seen a few with fluorescent trim, but there haven't been many.) And if drivers are pulled over for broken or missing headlights or taillights, shouldn't the same be true for bicyclists?
DEAR ABBY: My son serves on a ship in the Navy in an area known for terrorism. People who know this tell me how safe his ship is, how strong the U.S. military is, etc.
Please, people, when I (or anyone else who has a family member in the military) ask for prayers or express concern, do not offer these platitudes. Understand that our fears are real, and so are our tears.
Offer a hug, a hand-squeeze, say you will pray for us -- but understand that until our loved ones are back on U.S. soil, our fears and tension won't lessen. Unless you have been in our shoes, you can't know how we feel when we watch the news because we have no true idea of what is going on. Our military family members can't tell us, and often we have no (or limited) contact with them. I cry alone often.
I am proud of my son for his service and even encouraged it, but this is a rough time for me and others who are in this situation. -- MILITARY MOTHER
DEAR MILITARY MOTHER: Thank you for writing. Many people are uncomfortable when they encounter an emotional situation and don't know what to say. Their impulse is to "make it better," not realizing that sometimes a gesture is more eloquent than words can be.
I agree with you that when a loved one is in harm's way, it is an emotional roller-coaster ride for all concerned -- the parents, the siblings, the spouses and the children of our servicemen and -women.
Family's Feuding Complicates Woman's Plans for Her Funeral
DEAR ABBY: I have four siblings. We get along fine as long as we're apart.
During Mom's and Dad's funerals, I was dismayed at the degree of tension and bickering among us. I am now dealing with an incurable illness that will shorten my life considerably. I have no desire to put my husband through a funeral hosting a family who never liked him. I prefer to be cremated, and a handwritten letter be sent to each of my siblings after the fact.
Is this selfish? I don't want people saying things they don't sincerely mean. I didn't have a happy childhood, and my siblings contributed to that. My letter will not be accusatory, nor will it rake up long-ago hurts. I just want them to know that my husband has carried out my wishes and they should not blame him for doing so. Any thoughts? -- KEEPING IT SIMPLE
DEAR KEEPING IT SIMPLE: I don't think your wishes are selfish. You're entitled to exit the stage of life in the manner you choose. Because you prefer to bid your siblings goodbye in handwritten letters, go ahead and do it.
If I have any advice to offer it is that your husband should continue to maintain a healthy distance from your siblings after your death. You can't prevent them from having whatever reaction they choose, considering the level of dysfunction in your family. It's not unusual for survivors to react with anger after a death, and your husband should not take it personally if they do.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter rents a second-floor apartment with her two little girls. The tenant on the first floor is on oxygen and smokes cigarettes. I am concerned about the risk of an explosion that could injure my family upstairs.
My daughter would like to move, but her lease won't be up until January. What should we do? I don't believe she can afford a lawyer unless legal aid is available to her. I find the situation scary. -- WORRIED IN OHIO
DEAR WORRIED: I find it scary, too. Has your daughter discussed this with the manager of the building? If she hasn't, she should, and the conversation should be documented. An explosion could harm more neighbors than just her and her children. The smoker is a danger to everyone.
If the manager can't compel the smoker to stop, then your daughter should move because, in a sense, the tenant downstairs is a ticking time bomb, and her children's safety is paramount.
DEAR ABBY: My aunt "Stacey" has what they call salt-and-pepper-colored hair. We have suggested many times that she dye it, but she doesn't want to have to keep up with it. Recently, someone asked her 14-year-old daughter if that was her grandmother!
Aunt Stacey will be coming for a visit soon and we want to surprise her with a hair dye. How should we go about it? -- KRISTY IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR KRISTY: Don't do it, or the people who get surprised could be you and whoever else has concocted this hair-brained scheme. Not all women want to color their hair. Some would prefer to avoid the expense, and others become allergic to the hair dye. My advice is to appreciate your aunt for the person she is and forget about trying to change her image.
Mom's Brief Cellphone Video Has Lingering Consequences
DEAR ABBY: My 13-year-old son, "Wiley," was playing a game on my cellphone. I stupidly forgot to delete a short video of myself engaged in a sex act with my ex-husband, "Cliff." Wiley didn't confront me or mention it, but given his sudden change in behavior, I'm almost certain he saw it.
The next morning I mentioned it and apologized, hoping we could get past the awkwardness, but Wiley wouldn't admit this is what's bothering him. He acted as if he didn't know what I was talking about. Now he's shutting down. He won't talk to me. He's off in his own world as if I'm a stranger, where a few days before we would laugh, share and trust each other.
I divorced Cliff because he and my son didn't get along, but in the last six months we have been secretly having an affair and we ultimately want to get back together when Wiley is 18. My son doesn't approve of him and he's angry about it.
I'm worried and embarrassed that he saw me doing what I was doing in that few seconds of video, and I don't want to scar him or have him think differently of me. Wiley's father has been no help, and I suspect adds fuel to our son's anger during his weekend visitations. I tried therapy for Wiley -- it didn't help. Do you have any suggestions? -- MORTIFIED IN ARIZONA
DEAR MORTIFIED: I'm printing your letter because, once again, it illustrates the danger of putting videos of a sexual nature on cellphones. I can think of few people of any age who don't prefer to think of themselves as products of immaculate conception, and your son is no exception.
Because Cliff and Wiley's relationship was so poor the three of you couldn't coexist under one roof, discovering that you are once more intimately involved with your ex must have been traumatic and threatening to Wiley. It might reassure him to know that your seeing Cliff does not mean you will be living together anytime soon.
In the meantime, I recommend that you talk with a therapist to help you cope with the changed relationship you now have with your son. It's a shame that Wiley's father has used this unfortunate incident for his own selfish purposes. Divorced couples must remember that they have to love their child more than they hate each other.
DEAR ABBY: A year and a half ago, I reconnected with "Paul." We were in grade school together and hadn't seen each other for many years. We have been extremely happy and want to spend our remaining years together.
Because of our ages (we're both seniors) and separate families and incomes, we feel marriage is not what we'd like to do. But we would like to move in together.
Would it be ridiculous for us to do that without being married? Will the world condemn us? Will our children understand or ostracize us? How do we handle questions about why we have chosen not to marry? -- IN LOVE IN LOUISIANA
DEAR IN LOVE: Many older couples do what you are considering because being married would negatively affect their retirement income. If your children like Paul -- and his children like you -- I doubt you will be ostracized. Most adult children want their parents to be happy.
If you're worried about how the community will react to your living arrangement, consider talking to a clergyperson about being "married in the eyes of God." As to questions about why you have chosen not to marry, apart from your family, it is nobody's business and you are not obligated to discuss it.