DEAR ABBY: Are there any letters or topics you won't touch with a 10-foot pole? -- JUST WONDERING
DEAR WONDERING: None come to mind. At one point or another, this column has addressed darn near everything and may have offended almost everyone.
DEAR ABBY: Are there any letters or topics you won't touch with a 10-foot pole? -- JUST WONDERING
DEAR WONDERING: None come to mind. At one point or another, this column has addressed darn near everything and may have offended almost everyone.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 75-year-old man who lives in a gated community. For the last eight months I have been seeing a woman who lives nearby. We are starting to fall in love.
Our problem is her 95-year-old mother, who lives with her. Her mom is pretty healthy and has some money, but she's scared to be left alone. Because of this, my lady and I have difficulty finding private time.
We get out for short periods, but we'd like to go away for a weekend together. If we suggest it, Mom makes a stink and gets nasty with her daughter. We have tried talking with her about it, but she refuses, sulks and won't talk for days.
She's suffering from slight dementia, but gets around OK with a walker. Mom claims she doesn't want or need a "grandma sitter." She wants only her daughter to take care of her and be with her. Any help would be appreciated. -- COURTING TROUBLE IN ARIZONA
DEAR COURTING: If your lady friend wants to have any life of her own, she will have to stiffen her spine and deal with Mama. This includes not allowing her mother's sulking to prevent the two of you from having an occasional weekend together.
She should contact assisted-living facilities in the area and find out if they will accept guests for short stays of only a few days or a week. If the answer is yes, Mama should be offered a choice: Either someone comes to stay with her while you're gone, a friend perhaps, or she will have to stay elsewhere because being alone is not an option.
DEAR ABBY: My brother died earlier this year due to an overdose. His wife and one of my sisters lived with him. They also gave him the drugs that caused his death.
Abby, they are treating Mom, my husband and me like dirt. Mom had no say in the funeral at all. You would think that since she was the mother, the wife would have included her. They have been having parties ever since the funeral and spending the money left and right, while not paying the mortgage on the house.
They have turned my other sister against us, blocked us on social media and cut us off completely. They also turned another part of the family against us. I know it involves drug abuse on the part of all of them. We didn't do anything to them other than bring forth evidence of what they did and confront them.
I have no idea how to trust or to build a relationship with them again if they ever decide to come back into our lives. It's painful to deal with a death, and then more trials on top of that. Any advice? -- BROKENHEARTED IN TAMPA, FLA.
DEAR BROKENHEARTED: I'm sorry for your loss, but please recognize that when relatives are as dysfunctional as yours, it's safer for you, your husband and your mother to move on. And if they do decide to come back into your lives, for the sake of your sanity, run the other way.
DEAR ABBY: Our nanny, who is 58, was diagnosed with breast cancer just before I delivered baby No. 2. The boys are now 15 months and 4 weeks old.
"Nora" has started chemotherapy after having surgery. I completely understand that she has to attend to her needs right now and focus on her health, but she wanted to continue working without it being an issue. Nora has had to take off several days already in addition to being -- as I expected -- tired and unable to keep up with my active toddler.
I start back to work soon and my job is a demanding one. My husband and I have discussed options and feel it would be best to mandate that Nora take this time off. We will have to make other arrangements for child care, and I can't guarantee Nora's job when she feels better.
She has taken such good care of our first son it kills me to have to let her go, especially while she's dealing with cancer. But I must return to work and do what's best for my kids. Any advice? -- MOMMY OF TWO IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR MOMMY: Have a meeting with Nora and explain your concerns. Ask if she knows someone reliable who could watch the children on those days when she is too weak to do so. Or contact a household staffing agency about getting a temporary fill-in. It would be far more humane than firing her.
For Nora's sake, please try it. If my suggestions don't work, revisit letting her go at a later time.
DEAR ABBY: My 61-year-old father was arrested recently for 30 counts of possession of child pornography. He has had a rough past -- he cheated on my mother and has had multiple stints in rehab for alcohol abuse. During my teenage years he verbally abused me. My mother is in denial about the entire situation and the fact that he is facing time in prison for his actions.
Nine months ago, my husband and I were blessed with the birth of our beautiful baby girl. I feel I must protect her from my parents and my father in particular. Some of my family agree with my decision, others disagree because I am my parents' only child. Am I wrong for not wanting my father and possibly my mother any longer in my life? -- TOUGH LOVE IN FLORIDA
DEAR TOUGH LOVE: No. And as for the reaction of your relatives, remember that you can't please everyone, and the well-being of your child must come first.
DEAR ABBY: How do I keep a co-worker from borrowing money from me? I have my paycheck direct-deposited, which means the money is available a day earlier than "Anita's."
She asked me yesterday if I would lend her money for cigarettes, and I told her I didn't have any cash on me. When I went on break to buy lunch with my ATM card, Anita came waltzing over and immediately told the cashier to ring up the cigarettes on my ATM card! She said she'd pay me back more than the amount charged to my card.
In the future, how can I handle this if it happens again? I needed the money for my own use, and now I must wait until next week for her to pay me back. -- BUCK STOPS HERE IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR BUCK: One way to handle it would be to be proactive and tell Anita that what she did was rude and you didn't like it. Another would be to inform the cashier that what Anita wanted was not OK with you, and to never do it again. Whichever you decide, don't be afraid of hurting Anita's feelings because she has a hide of steel.
DEAR ABBY: My husband is 99 percent bed-bound with primary progressive MS. My oldest son is bipolar (he's off his meds and doing great), and my youngest son has Asperger's. I know ... wow.
My husband refuses to even try to understand the boys. When they have behavior problems, he tells them if he could, he would backhand them. Great parenting, huh? But at the same time, the boys and I are expected to have our lives revolve around his disability and stop everything when he needs help. His MS is always top priority.
I hate watching him go through his disease, but does that give him a free pass to bully our boys? I realize the boys (especially the younger one) have issues that are difficult to deal with, and I'm not giving them a free pass, either, but I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I support my sons, I'm a bad wife. If I support my husband, I'm a bad mom. And -- not to sound selfish -- who supports me?
I'm not really expecting any answers, but needed to vent, for lack of better terminology. I do have a support system of extended family and friends, but sometimes the lack of support inside the house makes me crazy. Any words of wisdom, Abby? -- STRETCHED THIN IN COLORADO
DEAR STRETCHED THIN: You have a right to vent. You're carrying an enormous load on your shoulders right now. I wish you wouldn't label yourself as a "bad" anything because you are just a mortal woman who is trying to cope. Your husband is understandably bitter and frustrated and sometimes takes it out on those closest to him -- you and the boys. His MS is top priority because he's incapacitated and it has to be.
Your boys need to understand the importance of not stressing out their father. I'm glad your older son is doing well off medication, if that's OK with his doctor. But it's my understanding that people with a chemical imbalance need to stay on their meds to maintain their equilibrium. As to your younger son, people with Asperger's may have problems with their social interactions, but they can be taught rules of acceptable behavior. Perhaps it's time to work a little harder on that.
As to your own needs, believe me, I sympathize. If you need to vent, it's important for your sanity that you be able to do so. It's wonderful that you have extended family and friends to support you, but if at all possible, find someone who can offer a respite from your caregiving responsibilities every few weeks.
DEAR ABBY: My sister and I have settled my mother's estate except for one item: Mom's cookbooks. In particular, one book that Mom used regularly and in which she modified recipes. My mother was a phenomenal cook, and this book is a real bone of contention for us all. What should I do? -- LOST FOR WORDS
DEAR LOST FOR WORDS: One person can volunteer to be the "family cooks' librarian" and if anyone wants to prepare a modified recipe, the librarian could scan it or photocopy it and send it. Or, all of the modified recipes could be photocopied at once and distributed to family members who would like to have them. The task shouldn't be onerous because I doubt your mother modified every recipe in the book.