HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO MY READERS: Thanks to you, writing this column is a love-in every day of the year.
Grandma Pays Good Money to Keep Kids From Smoking
DEAR ABBY: It bothers me greatly to know that so many children continue to start smoking at an early age. My husband and I did that, and now we're paying an awful price. We have had emphysema for years. Four of our children also took up the habit. I finally started paying them to quit ($100 every two weeks they didn't smoke -- up to five payments).
I decided to head off the temptation our grandchildren would face. We told them if they didn't start smoking by the age of 18, we'd pay them $2,000. So far, seven of the 10 have collected a nice check on their 18th birthday, and we expect the remaining three to collect in turn. They have grown up understanding that cigarettes are "gross" and, if they start smoking, it will cost them a lot of money!
Abby, you're the best way to spread ideas. I hope you will think it worthwhile to pass this one along. -- DO AS I SAY, GAINESVILLE, FLA.
DEAR DO AS I SAY: I'm passing it along, but frankly, I'm not crazy about bribery. One would think that, having witnessed firsthand the serious health issues you and your husband are experiencing, your grandchildren would have understood what awaited them if they took up the habit.
The tobacco industry has done a huge disservice to young people by marketing their products to them -- and not just in the form of cigarettes, but also with flavored chewing tobacco, which is equally addictive. According to the U.S. Surgeon General, nearly 90 percent of smokers start by age 18.
In 2006, U.S. District Judge Gladys E. Kessler of Washington, D.C., ruled the major cigarette manufacturers were guilty of fraud and racketeering under the federal RICO Act. (When the tobacco companies appealed, the Supreme Court rejected it without comment.)
She wrote that for more than 50 years the tobacco industry "lied, misrepresented and deceived the American public, including smokers and the young people they avidly sought as 'replacement smokers,' about the devastating effects of smoking....
"They suppressed research, they destroyed documents, they manipulated the use of nicotine so as to increase and perpetuate addiction, they distorted the truth ... so as to discourage smokers from quitting."
It is extremely important that young people be educated about -- and prevented from -- using tobacco. Smokers who start as teenagers increase their chances of becoming addicted. Think about it: reduced lung function, early heart disease, cancer, asthma, disfigurement. Yes -- it could happen to you.
DEAR ABBY: I have a wonderful husband and adorable grandchildren, but I have developed deep feelings for a man I met at the gym where I go with a friend.
I find myself thinking of this man during the day and night. I don't want to have an affair nor do I want him to know what I feel. When the thoughts of him come, they overwhelm me so I try to pray. I have no plans to cheat on my husband. What else can I do? -- CONFIDENTIAL IN GREENVILLE, N.C.
DEAR CONFIDENTIAL: Because you have a wonderful husband and a life you do not want to be disrupted, I recommend that when you finish exercising at the gym you take a cold shower. And if that doesn't work, go to an all-female gym.
DEAR ABBY: My daughters are attractive young women, both doing well in their professional careers. "Melanie," who is 27, is married to "Sam," an extremely attractive and successful man.
My 30-year-old daughter, "Alicia," has been divorced for a year. Her marriage failed two years ago because she and her husband had an appetite for sex outside their marriage. While I was disturbed about that, I was horrified to learn that Melanie allows her sister to occasionally have sex with Sam.
Melanie's argument is that Sam is less likely to cheat given this situation. When I asked her and Sam about it, he said it wasn't his idea. My current husband says any man who would refuse this "set-up" would be nuts. Alicia claims she "doesn't have time" to date right now, and after she finishes her MBA, she'll seek out a more normal relationship.
I am distraught about this mess. Melanie says she wants to start a family soon. She says she loves Sam, who can "handle everything," and she enjoys seeing "everyone happy." She says Alicia won't sleep around now and, maybe, one day she'll marry a handsome man like Sam who will "return the favor"!
I can't believe these girls are my daughters. Should I continue to protest or let it go? Is this relaxed attitude about sex prevalent in young people today? I cannot understand Melanie's lack of desire to defend her turf. -- HEARTBROKEN MOM IN FLORIDA
DEAR MOM: Your daughters appear to be into the concept of open marriage. Clearly, they do not view marriage and relationships the same way you do.
Melanie is naive to think that encouraging Sam to have a sexual relationship with her sister will discourage him from seeking other partners. Far from it. And as for her wanting to start a family, has she considered what will happen if her husband impregnates Alicia at the same time -- or first?
But back to your question: Are you right to protest? You certainly are. That's what mothers are for -- to inject a dose of sanity when everyone around her is losing theirs.
Line Between Marriage And Divorce Hinges On Lottery Ticket
DEAR ABBY: The other day at work, my girlfriend overheard a group of people in the break room talking about what they'd do first if they won the lottery. Without exception, everyone in that room said the first thing they would do is get a divorce. My girlfriend was stunned.
Have you ever done an informal reader survey on this subject? Is the state of marriage in America really that bad? I'm also curious if answers would differ along gender lines. Let me know what you think, and thanks. -- HAPPILY SINGLE BUT STILL A BELIEVER IN MARRIAGE
DEAR HAPPILY SINGLE: No, I have not done a reader survey on this subject. But I'm glad you asked, because I think what your girlfriend heard is a sad commentary on the state of the marriages of her co-workers. Readers, if you'd care to chime in on this, I'm sure it would be enlightening.
Boyfriend Feels Betrayed to Learn of Past Abortion
DEAR ABBY: I just found out that my girlfriend of nearly four years had an abortion when she was in high school.
I overheard her during a conversation she was having with someone. I later asked her what was implied when the name of her ex-boyfriend from high school was brought up. She proceeded to tell me what had happened and then said, "I never told you that?" Obviously, she never mentioned it to me because I certainly would have remembered something of that magnitude.
My reaction is feelings of disgust, betrayal and of having been lied to. Am I overreacting or are my feelings warranted? -- FEELS BETRAYED IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR FEELS BETRAYED: That depends upon whether you ever had a conversation with your girlfriend about her sexual history during which you were supposed to tell each other "everything." If so, then the omission was deliberate. If not, she was under no obligation to reveal that she had terminated a pregnancy during high school.
Abortion is a deeply personal and often complex decision for women. Ultimately, I am told, most women feel a sense of relief after an abortion. However, many do not feel that it is something to celebrate and may not be comfortable sharing that they have had one.
DEAR ABBY: My husband gives me gift cards for my birthday and special occasions, but with it comes, "I want to know everything you buy!" I tell him it's a gift and I shouldn't have to tell him what I use it for. If I do tell him what I bought, he invariably says, "Did you really need that?"
It ruins the whole thing for me when I must reveal what I bought with the card. So who's right -- he or I? -- RELUCTANT RECIPIENT IN ALASKA
DEAR RELUCTANT RECIPIENT: You are, for the reason you stated. The object of a gift is to bring pleasure, and there are few comments your husband could make that would put a bigger damper on your purchase than, "Do you really need that?" The next time he asks what you bought, tell him, "None of your beeswax!"
'Penny From Heaven' Brings Solace To Grieving Loved Ones
DEAR ABBY: My stepmother was in a fatal car accident. She was very dear to me. A few days after the funeral, Dad told me the best way to handle grief is to clean house -- so we began cleaning house like crazy, stopping to cry every now and then.
We ran out of towels, so I went to fetch more from the guest bathroom where they are kept. Seeing a penny on the sink, I grabbed it and threw it in the wastebasket. (I wondered where it had come from because I hadn't noticed it there earlier in the day.) Suddenly, I remembered the letters in your column from people saying if you find a penny after you have lost a loved one, it means they are sending you a message of love from heaven.
I quickly reached into the wastebasket to retrieve the penny, praying that it was newly minted -- and it was! I showed it to Dad, explaining the significance, and we both had a good cry. We keep it in my stepmother's china cabinet to remind us that love is eternal.
To us, that penny is priceless. Thank you for running those "pennies from heaven" stories. -- READER IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR READER: You're welcome. To me your experience is priceless.