TO MY ASIAN READERS: The Lunar New Year begins today. It's the Year of the Snake. According to Asian culture, individuals born in the year of the snake are goal-oriented and hate failure. They are excellent mediators -- intelligent, refined, clever in business and good providers because they value material wealth. A healthy, happy and prosperous New Year to you all. (Hiss, hiss, hooray!)
Groom's Parents Balk at Cost of Hosting Rehearsal Dinner
DEAR ABBY: My stepson "Steve" is getting married out of town. His fiancee is an only daughter with three brothers, and her family is throwing a large, traditional, formal wedding.
My husband and I have just been informed by Steve's mother that we are to host the rehearsal dinner for the wedding party, their spouses and out-of-town guests. It will cost thousands of dollars in addition to the cost of us attending the wedding, and we will have to go into debt to pay for it. Is this fair?
When we were married, we had a simple wedding. We prepared everything ourselves because it was all we could afford. Should we be expected to fork over money we don't have to feed people we don't know just because the bride's family can afford to throw a large, formal wedding? -- STEPMOM IN CANADA
DEAR STEPMOM: No, you should not, and you should let the bride's family know it ASAP. Although, traditionally, a rehearsal dinner is hosted by the parents of the groom, today it can be hosted by just about anyone who is willing.
And while the guest list normally includes all attendants and their spouses or partners, close relatives and special guests such as the clergyperson and spouse, you are not obligated to include out-of-town guests. Out-of-town guests should be given a list of local restaurants and should not expect to be entertained beyond the wedding and the reception.
DEAR ABBY: I had a working relationship with a couple, "Ed" and "Millie," for many years. I considered them personal friends as well. I have since left the company and moved about 80 miles away.
While I have enjoyed staying in touch with them, their phone calls to me have been overwhelming. They sometimes call at inappropriate times -- day and night. Ignoring them or not returning calls didn't work. Ed sent me texts, and I finally responded with "Please don't call me anymore," but his calls continue.
I changed my phone number, but now I'm starting to get calls where I work, and they have even called my daughter's phone. I know Ed is retired now and has some health issues, but I don't know why I'm the one he calls when he's bored and wants someone to talk to.
I have reached the point where I don't think it is possible to continue this friendship if it's going to involve multiple phone calls each day and 20 messages in my mailbox during the week. How do I get these nice people to give me some space? -- SMOTHERED IN CARROLLTON, GA.
DEAR SMOTHERED: How sad. Multiple daily phone calls and 20 email messages a week after you have asked the person not to contact you isn't normal behavior. It's harassment. In light of your long friendship with this couple, and the fact that Ed's behavior is escalating, call his wife. Explain that you are concerned about her husband's behavior and urge her to have him evaluated by his doctor.
DYING MAN WANTS TO THANK THOSE WHO SHARED HIS LIFE
DEAR ABBY: I have enjoyed a good life. I have served my community. I have a wonderful wife, great children and good friends. However, it now appears that the disease that has been kept at bay has progressed, and soon my days will end. I have accepted my impending death as best one can, and let few people know of it.
I would like to thank all the wonderful people who have been an important part of my life over the years, and I'm wondering how that might be accomplished. I do not want to make them sad or receive condolences. I simply want them to know they were an important part of my life for which I am truly grateful.
I considered a party, but wondered if that might seem morbid. Letters seem too distant, and phone calls would be hard on me.
While my death sentence is firm, and it will be soon, the exact date is impossible to know. Few of these people are aware that I am seriously ill, although I have been hospitalized many times.
Can you give me some suggestions to show my appreciation? -- ON THE WAY OUT IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR ON THE WAY OUT: While goodbyes can be sad, your farewell party need not be morbid -- particularly if you and your wife make it a celebration of life and let your guests know it in advance. If you're afraid that saying what's in your heart to each person individually will be emotionally draining, then deliver a speech or videotape one to be played at the event.
While reading your letter, I am reminded of a friend, Judith, whom I lost several years ago. Judith had battled cancer for 12 years. After she had completed yet another round of chemo, some of her women friends gathered for a potluck luncheon at her place. The wine was poured and we all glanced at each other, worried that toasting "health" might seem inappropriate. Sensing the hesitation, Judy raised her glass and announced, "To life!" And that, my friend, is exactly what your party should be all about.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a sixth-grade girl with a group of friends I like. The problem is some of them constantly put themselves down. It's annoying to hear, "My hair is so messed up," "I failed that quiz" (they got a B), "My paper is so bad" or "I'm so ugly." None of these things are true.
I know people put themselves down so that others will reassure them that they're fine. But I'm getting tired of hearing these complaints. I have told them to stop acting this way, but it doesn't work. How can I get my friends to stop complaining about themselves so much? -- TIRED OF HEARING IT IN BOULDER, COLO.
DEAR TIRED OF HEARING IT: You can't, so be patient with them because you appear to be more emotionally mature and self-confident than they are. At 12, which I assume most of your friends are, it is not unusual for girls to become sensitive about their changing bodies, and some of their insecurity may be hormonal. That's why they're looking to others for reassurance, so please don't be stingy.
Granddad Wants to Free Boy From Parents' Protective Bubble
DEAR ABBY: When my 9-month-old grandson, "Eli," comes to visit, I become frustrated to the point of leaving the room, if not my house. Not only must we put away things he shouldn't get into, we must tape shut every drawer and cabinet, block access behind couches and chairs to keep Eli from electrical cords, then constantly be on guard for the "unexpected."
Eli is never restricted in any way, and would never be confined to an "inhumane" playpen for even a few minutes. At the slightest whimper, he is picked up. He's walked to sleep (or taken on car rides to "soothe" him), and his parents literally run to him whenever he awakens.
I'm reluctant to criticize because I know they'll be offended, but I'm aching to suggest they teach the child about limits and restrictions and correct him when he misbehaves. Let him experience being in his playpen or even allow him to whine a little before jumping at his every whim. We're not allowed to say "no-no" -- the preferred response being to distract Eli and let him go about doing as he pleases. By the way, both parents are professional psycho-babble people.
Am I unreasonable to think my grandson is capable of learning limits with a simple "no-no" and, perhaps, a little smack on his hand? Or should I keep my mouth shut? -- WELL-MEANING GRANDPA
DEAR GRANDPA: Well-meaning as you are, I doubt that you will be able to convince two "professional psycho-babble people" that by not giving their little one limits, they're creating a monster. Rather than allow his visits to upset you, I suggest you visit this family in their own home.
DEAR ABBY: I am shocked at the rude treatment I see many older mothers receive from their children. I spend considerable time at various doctor appointments. Fortunately, I can drive myself, but many senior women must depend on their caregivers -- often their daughters -- who treat them badly. I can't help but wonder how they treat their mothers in private since they are so insensitive in public.
I'm grateful to have a daughter who puts up with my occasional crankiness and complaints. She loves me unconditionally and takes wonderful care of me when needed.
I'd like to ask sons and daughters to be kinder and more patient with their elderly moms. They won't be around forever. -- GRATEFUL MOM IN PHOENIX
DEAR GRATEFUL: I wish you had described more clearly the interactions you observed. What you saw may not have been a lack of devotion to their mothers, but signs of caregiver stress or burnout.
Daughters (and sons) caught in the sandwich generation -- earning a living and caring for their children as well as their aged parents -- are not always at their best. However, you are correct. These frail, elderly parents need compassion and patience because they won't be around forever.
DEAR ABBY: A question was recently raised at a family gathering. If the patriarch of a family is deceased and a man wants to marry his daughter, should he ask permission from her mother? -- CURIOUS IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR CURIOUS: It would be a lovely, respectful gesture if he did. But first he should be 100 percent certain that the daughter would like to marry him.