TO MY JEWISH READERS: Sundown marks the beginning of Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. During this 24-hour period, observant Jewish people fast, engage in reflection and prayer, and formally repent for any sin that might have been committed during the previous Hebrew year. To all of you -- may your fast be an easy one.
Tall Man's Big Heart Aches to Find the Perfect Match
DEAR ABBY: I'm a single guy, 33 years old. I am 6 feet 9 inches tall, and defined as husky. I only need to enter a room and it gets quiet followed by a "funny" comment about my size. I smile and laugh to put people at ease. Then I'm forgotten, a gentle giant who is called on only when people want something.
I'm sorry to say women either want nothing to do with me, or something to do with my wallet. I don't enjoy spending my life alone looked at like a freak of nature. But morning comes and I carry on in pain while wearing a smile.
I keep hoping to find that special someone who would hold me and tell me it is going to be OK. It would be nice to smile because I'm happy instead of doing it to hide pain. Do you think it will happen someday? Maybe? -- HURTS TO SMILE
DEAR HURTS: Yes, I do, and I'd like to suggest two things you can do to make it happen. The first is to contact a group called Tall Clubs International. It's a not-for-profit social organization for tall adults (men must be at least 6 feet 2 inches and women at least 5 feet 10 inches) that was founded in the late 1930s. It provides members with social activities and travel to cities around the U.S. and Canada for gatherings. The toll-free phone number is 888-468-2552 and the website is www.tall.org. Through this group you can meet people with whom you see eye to eye.
I would also suggest that you talk about your self-esteem issues and sadness with a licensed mental health professional. You are not a "freak" -- you're a big guy with a big heart and the same need to feel accepted and wanted as everyone else.
P.S. If you repeatedly encounter women who are only after your wallet, then you're hanging around with the wrong crowd.
DEAR ABBY: After 29 years of marriage, I am leaving. I took off my wedding ring about three weeks ago, and the indentation it left is like a permanent scar -- a painful reminder of a failed marriage. Do you have any suggestions to lessen the mark left on my finger? I have considered buying myself a large precious gemstone in celebration of my freedom, but I would like to know if there are any alternatives. I'm not opposed to plastic surgery if it is necessary. -- MARKED FOR LIFE IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR MARKED: If you buy yourself a large ring for the third finger of your left hand, people may think you are engaged or still married. My advice is to consult a dermatologist about the mark left by your wedding ring. It's possible that some of the injectable "fillers" that are used to lessen facial lines could also work for your finger. (I'll bet it won't be the first time the doctor has been asked this question.)
DEAR ABBY: I am a middle-aged woman in a five-year relationship with another woman. My girlfriend lives in another city and shares her home with her 30-year-old son.
During a conversation recently, she mentioned that her son massages her feet at night. I often massage her feet, and I know that foot rubs are sensual and somewhat intimate. I feel it is inappropriate for her adult son to be doing this. What do you think? -- BEFUDDLED IN FLORIDA
DEAR BEFUDDLED: I think it depends upon who is doing the rubbing and the circumstances. When someone gets a foot rub from a lover or a spouse, it can be a form of foreplay. When it's done during a pedicure, it's not. I seriously doubt the woman gets turned on when her son massages her tootsies, so forget about it!
Mom Says Wife Is to Blame for Son's Filthy Apartment
DEAR ABBY: I am very concerned for my henpecked son who is expecting his first child. He works long hours (50-plus a week) at a low-paying job with an hour commute. His wife works part-time (10 hours a week). The problem is, their tiny apartment is a pigsty, and she doesn't clean or pick up. She expects him to do it all, and he tries to, while she reads and makes baby quilts.
How do I tactfully get her to do her share now, before the baby comes and she expects my son to "help her" even more? He is totally overburdened, stressed out, but seemingly happy. Until I saw the condition of their apartment I had suspected it was bad, but had no idea how bad the situation really was. -- DESPAIRING MOM IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR DESPAIRING MOM: Not knowing your daughter-in-law, I can't judge whether she is lazy, or whether the reason she isn't doing more around the apartment is pregnancy-related. You say your son is happy. Be grateful for that. Rather than "tactfully getting her to do her share," why not volunteer to help them until your grandchild is on a regular sleep schedule? It would make you appear to be an angel instead of critical, and bring the three of you a lot closer than you appear to be. However, if your offer is refused, then accept that this is how your son and daughter-in-law prefer to live.
DEAR ABBY: I spent tonight in a parking lot, knowing I had no options. My husband of 25 years is an alcoholic and abusive. I have two teenage children at home. I'm in bad health and haven't worked in decades. I'm trapped.
I have the typical arguments with my daughter. My son is a gem who stays home because he doesn't want to leave us with his father. It's a sad situation.
While catching up on reading Dear Abby tonight, I saw a number for an abuse hotline where they will help me with a plan to leave. I have no money, no chance of getting a job. But that number gave me a glimmer of hope. It seems too good to be true, but I'll make that call. Thank you, Abby. -- BEATEN DOWN IN TEXAS
DEAR BEATEN DOWN: I'm glad you are making that call to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Part of the reason you feel so hopeless and "beaten down" is that for so many years your abuser chipped away at your self-esteem.
For any other reader who may have missed that column and needs the toll-free phone number, it is 800-799-7233.
DEAR ABBY: My good friend "Claire" has two daughters, 8 and 10. Her younger daughter is the same age as my daughter and they are very close. We spend a lot of time with them and have the girls at our house often.
After the last sleepover, my daughter commented that the sisters argue all the time and it's not fun having them over anymore. She would like to invite only the younger daughter for a sleepover, but we have put off asking as we are afraid of hurting the older daughter's feelings by not including her. Actually, I'm afraid it might hurt the mother's feelings, too. What's the best way to invite only one sibling? -- SLEEPOVER NIGHTMARE
DEAR S.N.: If the girls are arguing when they're at your house, you can bet it's happening at home, too. Talk to Claire and explain what happened and your daughter's reaction. The older girl should be interacting/socializing with friends of her own.
Change in Passwords Is Red Flag to Serial Cheater's Wife
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 10 years. At every company he has worked at, there was always a female he got close to -- sometimes a little "too close." We have had counseling. Our counselor has told him his behavior is destructive in a marriage and he should be an "open book" for as long as it takes to rebuild the trust in our relationship.
I recently found that he has changed all the passwords on his email and computer accounts. Needless to say, I am seriously disturbed by his behavior. He hasn't said anything about it, and I think he's waiting for me to ask him why. I think he wants to make the point that his "privacy" is being compromised, but I also suspect there is another new woman he's interested in recruiting.
I'm tired of these games. I don't know whether it's worth the energy to once again pursue the reasons for his behavior, or to finally walk away because I don't think he'll ever change. I really need advice. Please help. -- RUNNING OUT OF ENERGY
DEAR RUNNING: Because you are tired of the games, stop participating in them. Obviously, what your husband has done is a red flag. Tell him you know he has changed his passwords, and it appears to be an attempt on his part to close a chapter of what's supposed to be an "open book." If he attacks you for looking, remind him that with his history of serial infidelity you would have to be out of your mind not to.
Forgive me for appearing negative, but if after 10 years the two of you haven't been able to fix what's missing in your marriage -- even with the help of a counselor -- there is nothing more I can suggest.
DEAR ABBY: A longtime friend of mine, "Blanche," was diagnosed with Alzheimer's several years ago. She let me know that once she reached a certain point in the disease she did not want to be paraded around for others to gawk at.
That time came about a year ago, but I still pick her up every Sunday and take her to church. It's the only time she gets to leave the nursing home, and she loves it. The people at church give her hugs and go out of their way to treat her well and she feels it.
My question is, am I wrong in going against her earlier wishes? -- FRIEND IN ARIZONA
DEAR FRIEND: I think you are. Your friend clearly stated when she was in her right mind that she did not want to be an object of pity. By going against her wishes, you have taken away her right to be remembered with dignity. And while it was done in a well-meaning way, I don't agree with it.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a woman in my 30s and I'm facing the serious decision of whether to have children or not. What I'd like to know is, do people who choose not to have children regret it later in life? I appreciate your response. -- CURIOUS IN TEXAS
DEAR CURIOUS: Some probably do, but according to the mail I have received, most of the women I hear from have no regrets. In fact, last year I heard from a number of parents who said they regretted having taken on the challenge of parenthood. So, while having children can be rewarding, it is clearly not for everyone.