TO MY JEWISH READERS: At sundown, Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, starts. This is the beginning of our time of solemn introspection. "Leshana tova tikatevu" -- may each of us be inscribed in the Book of Life and enjoy a good year.
Otherwise Generous Man Keeps His Heart Under Lock and Key
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 41-year-old divorced mother of two and grandmother of two. I own my own business, God blessed me with my first home two years ago, and I'm happier than I have been in years.
I'm writing because I have been seeing a man for about six months whom I met at church. We have attended the same church for about two years. "Gavin" has never been married, has no children and doesn't want any.
We have a great time together. We act like teenagers in love. I know he's not seeing anyone else because we spend too much time together. Gavin calls me four to five times a day, brings me lunch at work and takes me out to eat all the time. He constantly buys me presents and helps my daughter out with money when things get tight. He has even helped me financially a few times and refuses to let me pay him back. I am falling in love with him.
My problem? Every time I try to let Gavin know how I feel, he tells me not to let that happen. It's not what he wants, and he wants me to stop. (Yeah, right! Like I can turn my feelings on and off.) Anyway, he says we are not a couple, and I am free to do whatever I want to do.
Am I asking too much to want us to take this relationship to a new level? He shows all the signs of being in love with me by the way he treats me. His mixed signals are confusing. Am I really that naive? -- UNSURE IN GREENSBORO, N.C.
DEAR UNSURE: You are not naive. Hope springs eternal in the breast, and you are only human.
When a man tells you he wants you to be free and to do whatever you want to do, what he really means is he wants to be free to do whatever he wants to do. As much as Gavin cares for you, it's not enough for him to make a lifetime commitment. So, if being married is your goal, recognize that this honest, but reluctant Prince Charming is not for you.
DEAR ABBY: My 24-year-old daughter, "Lisa," informed me a year ago that she was engaged. She's a college graduate living in another state and still looking for a job. Her fiance is a young Marine who plans to make it a career.
Lisa was visiting this weekend and gave us the wedding date, which is in three months. She already has her invitations and bridesmaids picked out, etc.
As she was leaving, she broke down and said she had "something to tell me." They were married six months ago. She still wants to continue with her "wedding" plans, and have me walk her down the aisle.
My wife and I are extremely hurt and angry for having been lied to all this time. My question is, should I go along with this charade? Any other wisdom to impart? -- LISA'S DISAPPOINTED DAD
DEAR DAD: At least your daughter told you in advance. I have heard from parents who didn't learn the truth until months or years after the "wedding." Feeling as you do, calmly convey your thoughts to your daughter as you have done so clearly in your letter.
As to any "other wisdom" I would offer: As a low-ranking member of the military, Lisa's husband isn't going to make a lot of money until he climbs the promotional ladder. Their money would be better invested in other ways than the wedding of her dreams. They can reaffirm their vows later, in a way that is open, honest and less expensive.
Boyfriend Won't Stop Using Bathroom as His Man Cave
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been together for six years. We finally moved in together a year ago. Things have been going pretty well, with the exception of an unusual habit of his that has become more evident since living together. He spends anywhere from 45 minutes to 2 1/2 hours in the bathroom every day. A couple of times he has even fallen asleep in there.
He takes his computer in the bathroom because he claims he gets a lot of work done. Some days I barely get to see him because he works late and then spends the rest of the day you-know-where.
I have told him more than once how much it bothers me, but he continues to do it. It's driving a wedge between us. Am I overreacting? Is he purposely trying to put space between us? -- TIRED OF THE TOILET TURMOIL
DEAR TIRED: He may be using the bathroom as a refuge from more "togetherness" than he can handle, or he may be doing something on his computer that's more than work-related. I do think there is more going on than he's telling you, but in order to get to the bottom of it, you will have to convince him to open up and be honest. And no, I do not think that after having invested six years in this relationship you are "overreacting."
DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl whose parents are divorced. When I was a baby, I lived with my grandma, but my mom took me back when I was 7 or 8.
My mother abused me while I was living with her, but nobody knew it. When I was 12, I was sent to my dad's for Christmas. By then he was on his third marriage. His new wife already had two kids.
While I was visiting, Mom called to make trouble for me. She said she was worried I might be messing around with boys she didn't approve of, and threatened to "beat me bloody" when she got hold of me. My dad went to court to see if I could stay with him permanently, and it turned out I could.
Now I'm having trouble with my stepmom and her kids. She thinks her two girls are little angels. She's mean to me and treats me like I'm doing something wrong all the time. I feel so alone.
Mom and Grandma want nothing to do with me. So, Abby, I have a few questions: Should I have a bad feeling about staying with my dad because of my stepmom? And, if I ever have my own kids, will I end up treating them like my mom treated me? Thank you for listening. -- SAD TEEN, NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR SAD TEEN: There are many loving and caring stepparents. I'm sorry that you have been shortchanged by the women in your life, all of whom may be less mature than you are at your tender age. You will have to look elsewhere for the mentoring you need from an adult -- a teacher, a counselor, a coach, or even the mother of one of your friends.
Please don't be afraid that you will automatically repeat the cycle of abuse that you have suffered. You have learned firsthand how not to treat others. Many adults are able to give their children the parenting they didn't experience themselves. (My hat is off to all of them.)
P.S. Perhaps fathers should not automatically assume that second (or third) wives will be able to accept and love their children from a prior marriage. Blending families should be done with eyes wide open.
Grandma Is Slow to Cheer a Wedding That's Overdue
DEAR ABBY: My daughter is annoyed with me because I'm not jumping up and down with joy over my grandson's forthcoming wedding. Yes, I am happy they're getting married, but how excited can I get? The two have been sexually involved since they met in high school four years ago. She was 16; he was 17.
For the past two years, he and his girlfriend have shared an apartment and lived as man and wife. The bride-to-be's parents are not exactly thrilled either at the expense of a white gown and a few hundred chicken dinners, hall and band. However, my daughter insists on it and wants everybody to get excited.
OK -- so I'm excited. Whoopee. -- GRANNY MAE
DEAR GRANNY MAE: You are focusing on the wrong thing. Your grandson and his fiancee care enough about each other to commit, in a public ceremony, to spending their lives together. That's a positive step that deserves to be celebrated.
Whether you or I approve of couples living together is beside the point. They are adults and it was their choice. Be happy that they are now tying the knot to bind themselves together in a more permanent union.
DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Doris," got divorced 10 years ago. Since then, she's lost a lot of weight and had extensive plastic surgery. She now dresses in as little clothing as possible to show off her body.
We frequently have family get-togethers, and I notice my husband, "Rod," looking at Doris in a sexual way. She seems to appreciate it. At the last family gathering, she wore black thong underwear. I know because it became impossible to ignore after she positioned herself on her chair so that her pants dropped down, exposing her fanny.
I am upset with her. I told my mother I'd like to limit these get-togethers. Now my mother is mad at me. She says I am being silly and unreasonable. What do you think? -- HURTING IN SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, CALIF.
DEAR HURTING: Your sister is overcompensating for all those years she felt unattractive. I hope she learns quickly that the kind of attention she's getting from dressing so seductively isn't the kind that lasts.
P.S. In the interest of your marriage, your husband should be less obvious about his ogling since it's making you feel insecure. If you haven't done so already, please mention it.
DEAR ABBY: My daughters attend a high school where a "Sadie Hawkins" dance has been planned for the students. The problem is, the guys at their school think it's "cool" to wait until the day before the dance to answer the girls' invitations. These are otherwise polite young men, but they see no problem in making the girl wait until the last minute to know if she even has a date for the event.
I think this is extremely rude and inconsiderate. What is your opinion? And what do you suggest the girls say to the young men who leave them hanging? -- MOM WHO CARES IN ARIZONA
DEAR MOM WHO CARES: The courteous way to respond when invited out is to accept or say no promptly. I agree that it's rude to keep someone hanging. If your daughters don't get a response within a reasonable amount of time -- say, 24 to 48 hours -- they should invite someone else. And when the original boy finally comes up with his acceptance, he should be told, "Sorry, when I didn't hear back from you, I asked someone else."