DEAR ABBY: A bridal tea is being held for my niece soon. The invitation says, "Hats and dresses, please." I was also told verbally by the mother of the bride (my sister) that they want everyone attending to wear hats. I told her I'm very uncomfortable wearing a hat, but would put flowers in my hair to "jazz it up" a bit.
Last night, my brother-in-law called asking what I was wearing to the tea. My first reaction was that he was joking -- so I asked if he thought that it was even worth a conversation. He said if I don't wear a dress and hat, to not bother coming. I was so shocked that I said OK and hung up.
I am very sad that I would not be welcomed without the hat -- something so superficial. If appearances are more important than having me there, then I really don't want to attend. I would, however, send a note and gift and also attend the regular shower being planned if invited. I don't want to alienate the family.
How do you think I should handle this? I am lost for words -- although you wouldn't know it by my rambling on. Thanks for your advice. -- RAMBLING AUNTIE
DEAR RAMBLING AUNTIE: Obviously, your sister and her daughter are more concerned with the fantasy of how things will look at this tea than the feelings of those who will attend. People like that are easily offended/alienated and carry grudges.
Because you don't want to cause a rift, buy a cheap hat and go to the tea. While sending a note and gift in lieu of attending is more than what most people would do under the circumstances -- and I don't blame you for considering it -- to keep peace in the family, put in an appearance.
P.S. With relatives like this, you have my sympathy.