CONFIDENTIAL TO "FEELING OLD AT 45": Old age doesn't have to be lonely. It's what you choose to make it. Reflect on the late Supreme Court Justice Thurgood Marshall's comment on aging: "I have a lifetime appointment and I intend to serve it. I expect to die at 110 -- shot by a jealous husband!"
Couple Have Had Their Fill of Dinner Time Socializing
DEAR ABBY: We have been having a problem with a young neighbor couple in our rural area. They drop in to visit us about five evenings a week. They're nice people and good neighbors, so we don't want to offend them, but what would be a diplomatic way to tell them we don't want company that often?
The husband gets home from work at 4:30 p.m. every day and his wife always has dinner on the table when he walks in the door. My husband is 62. He works hard 10 to 12 hours a day and returns home anywhere between 5 and 7 p.m. So it's not possible for me to have dinner ready and waiting. Our idea of a pleasant evening is eating dinner, watching an hour or two of TV, and going to bed about 9 p.m.
My husband has to drive by these neighbors' house on his way home, so they know when he gets here -- and they usually arrive shortly thereafter. I feel very uncomfortable cooking a meal and eating with non-eating company in my kitchen, so I always put dinner preparation aside and visit with them for an hour or two. It's not unusual for us to wind up having dinner at 9 p.m. Sometimes they stay so long my husband and I are too tired to even bother.
We have about had it. How can we regain our privacy but remain friends? -- MISSING DINNER IN MISSOURI
DEAR MISSING DINNER: You and your husband have been such good neighbors that you have made yourselves prisoners in your own home. The next time the couple arrives at your door at dinnertime, in a pleasant tone, say, "John just got home from work and he's tired and hungry. Please excuse us while we have dinner. We plan to retire early. And in the future, don't just drop by -- please wait until we call you."
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Ted," and I have been married for four years and have a 3-year-old son. Before we were married we talked about having at least two children.
After our son was born, Ted went through what he believes was postpartum depression. He wasn't prepared for the reality of having a baby, and it was hard on him. To his credit, he got through it and has been a fantastic father to our son.
He now says he doesn't want any more children. We are financially stable, but Ted says it isn't the money. He just doesn't want to go through it again.
Abby, I can't imagine not having one more child. I know I can't force him to change his mind, but I'm afraid I will resent him for denying me something I want so badly, especially since we had agreed ahead of time.
I feel there is no compromising on this. Either way, one of us is going to be miserable. I cry all the time and don't know how to move on. Can you help? -- DREAMING OF TWO IN TACOMA, WASH.
DEAR DREAMING OF TWO: I wish I could, but not knowing the cause of your husband's anxiety and aversion to having another child, I'm at a disadvantage. You should both talk this out with a licensed marriage and family therapist, and I hope you'll do it before you become further depressed because your current mental state may adversely affect your ability to parent the child you have.
GRANDPARENTS' EARLY MEMORIES ARE CHERISHED FAMILY HISTORY
DEAR ABBY: My parents are approaching their 80s, and I'd like to recommend to seniors that a cherished gift to their children and grandchildren would be a journal or family history book written by them describing their childhood memories and early married years. So many funny stories and historical markers of an earlier time -- before computers and fax machines -- will be lost if they're not shared.
Children and grandchildren can be given the chance to see through your eyes and your memories what their aunts, uncles and grandparents were like, and you can laugh together at the silly things that happened when you were young.
The family history can be passed from one generation to the next, and I cannot think of a more special gift. -- CHARLENE IN CAMARILLO, CALIF.
DEAR CHARLENE: That's a splendid idea. However, I would urge children and grandchildren to not wait for the family history, but to interview their parents and grandparents now, with pencil in hand. Better yet, if possible, use a video recorder.
DEAR ABBY: I have a good friend who is married to an abrasive, negative woman. She never has anything nice to say about anyone or anything.
I value this friend and would like to continue our friendship, but I don't want his wife's negative energy around my family. Should I explain that he and his children are welcome in our home, but his wife is not? Or should I arrange to see him only when I know his wife is occupied elsewhere? -- S.K. OUT WEST
DEAR S.K.: What a sad situation. Your friend's wife's behavior indicates that she's an unhappy and troubled woman. As a couple, they probably need all the friends they can get.
To tell this man that you want to protect your family from his wife's "negative energy" could end the friendship, so I don't recommend it. Seeing him when his wife is otherwise occupied would be far more diplomatic.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a fairly intelligent 45-year-old woman. After being single for four years, I began dating a man my age with whom I share many interests. Early on, we had a few fights -- possibly because we were both hurt in our previous relationships and were having a hard time adjusting to and trusting a new person.
Things have settled down now. Most of our time is spent together even though we live an hour apart, and we're considered a couple by our friends. I enjoy the time we spend together, but I keep remembering our early fights and I worry about repeats. I think because of our pasts we'll date for a long time before either of us considers moving in or making serious commitments.
My question is, how can you know if you're on the right path? -- A LITTLE SKITTISH IN CANADA
DEAR SKITTISH: The right path usually isn't a short sprint. You're on it when you realize how many common interests you have and how much you enjoy each other's company (which you do). You're on the right path when you can be open and honest with each other and work out differences without quarreling. And you're right: It can take some time to get there, but there's nothing wrong with that.
Daughter's Salute to Dad Is Shared by All on Father's Day
DEAR ABBY: It's Father's Day and I'd like to salute one particular unsung hero -- my dad. He was there for me and my sister despite a difficult workload throughout our childhood. He has always been generous with love and affection, and I have no doubt that he has sacrificed things he wanted personally for our benefit.
Dad has been the calming voice during times of strife. He can fix anything from a broken washing machine to a broken heart. He has not only nurtured us, but our children as well.
He has been our role model when it comes to setting an example of what a man, husband, father and grandfather should be. He is never judgmental and has always shown us the best in ourselves. He's consistent in his love of God, country and family. He is patient, kind, generous and smart in ways I only wish I could be.
To top it off, he found us the best mother we could have hoped for. They have been married 58 years. My unsung hero doesn't wear a cape, but I do believe he has certainly earned a halo. -- SHARON IN BRANDON, FLA.
DEAR SHARON: What a sweet letter. I'm printing it to honor not only your father but also the millions of men who dedicate themselves daily to raising their children with love and support. In addition, I'd like to extend a Happy Father's Day to fathers everywhere -- not only birth fathers but also stepfathers, foster fathers and those caring individuals who mentor youngsters whose parents are absent or deceased.
Bless you all.
DEAR ABBY: Will you please help librarians across the country clarify something that is generally misrepresented to the public?
Patrons who need assistance operating a computer may be able to get help at their local library. That's "may," not "can." Too often, people are instructed to go to their library and use a computer to file taxes, redeem a gift, print pictures, etc. The fact is, not every library has computers with Internet access. Most do, but not all.
Further, many libraries lack sufficient staff to offer one-on-one support to operate a computer. To someone who is proficient, it may seem strange that a person can't simply lay a hand on a mouse and go. The reality is, computers and the Internet are not intuitive to those who haven't been exposed to them -- and there are many.
While I don't know of a librarian who wouldn't like to offer unlimited assistance to computer users, libraries nationwide are losing staff due to budget cuts. At the same time, use of libraries is steadily increasing. It's frustrating to disappoint patrons who expect to receive instruction in computer operation. We prefer they leave our building happy.
So, Abby, please spread the word. Computers and Internet services vary from library to library. Readers should ask their librarian about what services are available at their local branch. -- CONCERNED CITIZEN, EASTHAMPTON, MASS.
DEAR CONCERNED CITIZEN: Thank you for shining a light on this important subject.
Readers, if this letter is as disturbing to you as it is to me, write your congressional representative and express your concern. For lower- and middle-income people of every age, libraries have performed -- and continue to perform -- a vital function. Their budgets must not be slashed to the point that they can no longer fulfill their mission of informing and educating the public.