DEAR READERS: It's April Fools' Day, the one day I can share some of those letters I receive from readers whose questions might not seem as appropriate on any of the other 364 days of the year (or 365 this leap year). Enjoy!
DEAR ABBY: I am a 23-year-old female who lives with my parents. I saw "The Little Mermaid" for the first time recently, and now I'm very worried.
The other day I walked in and caught my mom talking to my pet fish, Flounder. I have noticed Mom breaks into Broadway-style songs randomly, just like Ariel did in the movie. She also has the same red hair as Ariel. Mom is a lifeguard at the local pool.
Could my mom be part fish? If so, am I half-mermaid? I will await your reply before attempting underwater breathing. Please answer promptly. -- SEA-ING THINGS CLEARLY
DEAR SEA-ING: Clean your goggles, honey, because you're seeing less clearly than you think. Your mother is not related to Ariel, and you are not a mermaid, but your letter is a fish tale.
DEAR ABBY: For years I have heard about players winning thousands of dollars on casino slot machines. But every time I try to win one, I run out of cash before hitting it. How can I win a jackpot before I go broke? Hurry your answer because my money is running out. -- UNLUCKY IN JERSEY
DEAR UNLUCKY: Slot machines are not called "one-armed bandits" for nothing. While I can't advise you on how to win a jackpot, I can tell you how not to go broke. Try this: Don't gamble!
DEAR ABBY: At what time does "today" turn into "tonight"? -- CLOCK WATCHER IN UTAH
DEAR CLOCK WATCHER: Ask me tomorrow.
DEAR ABBY: I have an amazing pool man. I have known him for quite a while. My neighbors have been complaining because he likes to work naked. His working in the buff never bothers me; I think he looks like a Greek statue and he does a great job. My pool has never looked better. I have had several pool cleaners before, but none of them compare to the current one. What should I do? -- CALIFORNIA GIRL
DEAR CALIFORNIA GIRL: Although I don't live nearby, it's not hard to see why no other pool cleaner compares to this one. Assuming your pool is fenced, I'm advising you to do nothing "butt" enjoy the view.
DEAR ABBY: Why does our society insist on using the euphemism "sleeping together" in place of "having sex"? --CURIOUS IN KETTERING, OHIO
DEAR CURIOUS: That's easy -- so the children won't know where they came from.
DEAR ABBY: I was awakened at 3 a.m. by a barking police dog while someone was being arrested on my front lawn. This morning I discovered the dog had pooped on my grass. I'm considering complaining to the police about it, but don't want to seem ungrateful for the job they do. What do you think? -- LISA IN ANAHEIM, CALIF.
DEAR LISA: I think you should be more tolerant. After all, the police dog was just doing his duty.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)