TO MY IRISH READERS:
"May the most you wish for
"be the least you get.
"May the best times you've ever had
"be the worst you will ever see."
Happy St. Patrick's Day! -- LOVE, ABBY
TO MY IRISH READERS:
"May the most you wish for
"be the least you get.
"May the best times you've ever had
"be the worst you will ever see."
Happy St. Patrick's Day! -- LOVE, ABBY
DEAR ABBY: One of my sister's best friends, "Tara," has had a crush on me since we were kids. She's 21 and I'm 25. My sister always knew about it, but never told me. I had a crush on Tara, too, but I was too shy to tell her.
I moved out of state when I turned 18, but Tara still lives there. She and my sister keep in touch. Now that I'm back in town, Tara has been coming to visit me. We have no physical contact, only verbal. During one of the visits she confessed her crush and so did I.
The trouble is, Tara got married a year ago and has a 2-month-old baby with her husband. She says she hasn't been happy in her marriage and has filed for a divorce. We want to be together, but want to wait for the divorce to be final before starting a relationship.
I suspect that she's only divorcing her husband to be with me. Am I being too quick to judge? Is it a bad idea to be with her? Should we just remain good friends? I need a woman's opinion. -- UNCERTAIN IN TEXAS
DEAR UNCERTAIN: If you and Tara are serious about not starting a relationship until her divorce is final, then the answers to your questions will become apparent during that process. But please remember, ending her marriage will probably not cause her husband to vanish into the ether. Because he's the father of her baby, he will be part of your lives forever.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Simon," is a workaholic. I didn't know him long before I married him, which was a mistake. He never adapted to being part of a couple. His rewards all came from work -- the paychecks, kudos from clients and fellow employees, and others saying what a good provider he was. He bought our kids' love with presents, not presence.
He was gone at dawn, came home after the kids were in bed, volunteered to work on his "off" days and usually stayed later than scheduled. He kept busy with everyone and everything except us. I raised our children alone and worked outside the home as well. I took them to their sports events, extra activities and to the synagogue. We didn't need the "extra" money, but he was never satisfied, always wanting more. I was faithful to a ghost, living alone and crying for too long. After 30 years I realized I didn't miss him anymore. He had broken my heart and fractured my dreams.
It's too late for me to start again and find love. Abby, tell young wives to trust their hearts and priorities. They deserve warmth, not cold cash. -- ALONE NOW BY CHOICE IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR ALONE: What a sad story. You married someone who may have had such an overwhelming fear of poverty that he sacrificed the joys of family for financial security. While you may not have had romance, I'm sure you have earned the love of your children. Allow yourself to enjoy what your husband has accumulated.
And if you've had enough of solitude, consider this: It's never too late to find love. People of every age do it every day, but first you need to find it within yourself. Unless you do, your bitterness will spill over onto every relationship you have.
DEAR ABBY: I recently began going to a new doctor after the one I had been using retired. I like her. She shows a genuine interest in my well-being, seems to diagnose well and I get good results from her treatments. She doesn't keep me waiting and has a charming, warm personality.
So what's the problem? She's not very clean. There is sometimes dirt under her fingernails. Her white coat is tattered and filthy, and when she gets close there's an odor that's less than pleasant. Once after touching me, she washed her hands by sticking her fingertips under cold water for a few seconds -- no soap or scrubbing. She had not washed before touching me.
There are so many good things about her I hate to lose her as a doctor. She'll be insulted if I say anything. If I cancel an appointment, it will raise questions and lead to hurt feelings. What do I do? -- FREAKED OUT IN ALBANY
DEAR FREAKED OUT: Find another doctor. (I was tempted to say, "Run for your life!") As warm, charming, caring and attentive as your doctor may be, her poor hygiene is a danger to your health. That she would present herself to patients in the condition you have described and practice such poor hygiene makes me wonder how qualified she is to practice medicine.
One other thing you should consider doing -- because you like her -- is to write her a letter explaining why you won't be seeing her anymore. She obviously needs a wake-up call.
DEAR ABBY: My mother is dying of old age and heart failure. It's not unexpected and we are preparing for the end to come soon.
The problem is I'm not a good housekeeper, and I am in marginal health. My husband is disabled and is, frankly, a slob. I have given up trying to keep a clean house while caring for him, my mother and myself. I just don't have the strength to do it all, and my husband does nothing except lie around on his bed watching TV or sleeping all day.
I know when my mother passes, people will want to come here to visit or bring food. My house is so dirty and deplorable I don't want anyone to come here. What should I do? I have thought about hiring a service, but I'm not sure I can afford it. Any other suggestions? -- OVERWHELMED AND TIRED IN TEXAS
DEAR OVERWHELMED AND TIRED: Please accept my sympathy for the impending loss of your mother. Even when death is accepted as inevitable, it is nonetheless heart wrenching. I'll offer two suggestions:
The first is to talk to your religious adviser about your concerns, because it's possible some volunteers from your mother's church -- or your own -- might be kind enough to help you get your house in order to receive guests after the funeral. The other would be to request that guests meet afterward at the church reception hall or funeral home for refreshments.
DEAR ABBY: I find it hard to deal with my P.E. teacher. She is rude, mean and she always calls me out. When you need to make a correction on your test, she throws the quiz at you and then you have to pick it up. She is very impatient also. Do you have any advice on how to deal with such a person? -- DONE WITH HER IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR DONE WITH HER: Your teacher appears to be a troubled woman. The way to deal with her would be for your parents -- and the parents of any other students she is treating this way -- to bring it to the attention of the principal of the school so it can be addressed.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Sam," and I have been married for 32 years, and all these years he has lied continually. It has gotten so bad that I cringe every time we're invited to family functions or get-togethers with friends. Sam uses these gatherings to be the star of the show, spilling out the most outrageous whoppers you can imagine.
My family knows when he's lying or exaggerating about something. They roll their eyes and nudge me to let me know they know. Sam fabricates the most outlandish stories and never owns up to anything he has done wrong. Instead he blames me or others for his actions. If I confront or challenge him, he gets defensive and says I'm "always" belittling or challenging him in front of others.
Abby, even though I still care for this man, I don't have the respect I wish I had for him. What can I do? -- DISENCHANTED IN THE LAND OF ENCHANTMENT
DEAR DISENCHANTED: After 32 years, there is nothing you can do about it. Your husband has a personality problem -- probably related to insecurity -- that causes him to lie to get attention. It's pathetic, really. However, to embarrass him by pointing it out in front of others is cruel and unproductive. Until he's ready to admit to himself that he has damaged his credibility so badly that no one believes a word he says, nothing will change.
DEAR ABBY: My close friend "Kate" has just told me she's getting a divorce. She confided that she cheated on her husband, "Phil," and says she doesn't want to try to work on her marriage, even though they have a baby together. Kate says that Phil is a great father and he's not abusive -- she just doesn't love him anymore.
This came as a shock to me, and I'm not sure how to be supportive. When I divorced, my husband was the one who cheated and left me, so I know how Kate's husband feels. I know I should be sympathetic to her, but I don't know what to say. Can you help? -- TRYING NOT TO JUDGE
DEAR TRYING: Continue trying not to judge. It is understandable that you'd identify with Kate's husband since his position is so similar to what you experienced. If you know and like him, befriend him. I'm sure he could use a friend right now. However, before you do, ask Kate if she would mind.
As to your question about what to say to her, all you really need to do is acknowledge her announcement by saying, "I'm sorry to hear it. I hope you have given it careful consideration." Period.
DEAR ABBY: I'm 15. My father just started paying child support three years ago for my twin sister and me. He only pays a small amount each month, and he has never paid any medical or health bills for either of us in our lives.
Recently we found out he lied about his monthly salary so he wouldn't have to pay for us. I'm really hurt because I feel like he doesn't care about us. How do I cope? Help! -- INCREDIBLY HURT IN THE SOUTH
DEAR INCREDIBLY HURT: While I can understand your disappointment in your father's lack of character, please do not allow his failures to make you think less of yourself. His behavior shows that he doesn't care about anyone but himself. Now that you and your mother know he lied about his income, it's possible the child support he didn't pay can be collected retroactively. If your mother hasn't discussed this with an attorney, she should do it now.