DEAR READERS: If you live in a state where daylight saving time is observed, don't forget to turn your clocks forward one hour before going to bed tonight. Daylight saving time begins at 2 a.m. tomorrow. Hallelujah -- it'll be lighter later!
Granddaughter Gets an Earful About Dangers of Her Earbuds
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 12-year-old girl who loves music and electronics. I sit on the swing and listen to music on my iPod through my earbuds. I do it at least a half-hour every day -- sometimes more.
When my grandma visited a few weeks ago, she tried to talk to me when I was giving my iPod my undivided attention. When I finally realized she was talking to me, I took my earbuds out so I could hear her. She told me the earbuds were going to make me deaf. (I listen on four or five notches.)
One night we were playing a card game where you have to play really fast and watch a gazillion piles of cards at once. The game made me dizzy, and I said so at the end of the round. Grandma said it was because of my iPod. It was all I could do to say politely, "No, it's not."
Is there a way to tell her to stop blaming my iPod for everything? I consider my iPod a friend. -- MUSIC LOVER IN ARIZONA
DEAR MUSIC LOVER: Loud noises can damage a person's hearing, and there is legitimate concern that the sound levels at which people listen to music cause hearing problems.
However, I suspect your grandmother is less concerned with the damage your iPod will do "on four or five notches" than she is about the fact that you don't give her your full attention when you're spending time together. I'm surprised your parents haven't mentioned to you that showing good manners means being polite, respectful and not ignoring your grandmother when she's trying to talk to you or play a game with you.
DEAR ABBY: My husband died unexpectedly eight months ago, leaving me with two young children to raise on my own. My parents are deceased. It has been a long, hard road since then. I have tried to make sure my in-laws continue having contact with my children, encouraging visits to my home and dropping the kids off at their homes when they have asked.
I recently let everyone know that, although I still miss my husband terribly, I have been lonely and I'm ready to start dating again. I was frankly unprepared for the barrage of absolute HATE that was sent my way by my husband's parents and siblings. They have cut off all contact with me and thus my children, which has left me stunned and sent my kids reeling from even more loss in their lives.
Is there something wrong or disrespectful with my wanting companionship and to be happy again? My in-laws seem to expect me to be in mourning forever, which is cruel and incredibly inconsiderate. Please help me find peace with all of this because it's tearing me up inside. -- IN TURMOIL IN DETROIT
DEAR IN TURMOIL: Your former in-laws may have been less upset had you waited a full year before letting "everyone" know that you're ready to start dating and going on with your life. Not knowing them, I can't be sure what has caused them to shun you and their grandchildren, who are their last link to their lost son and brother.
You may find peace through acceptance of the fact that as one chapter in life has closed, another is opening up and you will have a full life ahead of you. That is not wrong. As much as you may have loved your husband, now that he is gone you have every right to continue living a full and happy life with companionship and love. My deepest sympathy to you for the loss of your husband.
Daughter Raised in Abusive Home Is Burdened by Past
DEAR ABBY: My sisters and I grew up in a horrible household with our mother. She was not only OK with the severe abuse and neglect we suffered, she encouraged it. Now grown up, my sisters have moved out of state and have no contact with her. My contact with Mom is limited although I live close to her. My sisters want her to know nothing about them, and they are very cautious.
Recently, one of them had a beautiful baby. I'm happy for her. Because of the abuse she suffered during our childhood it was difficult for her to conceive, so this seems like a miracle.
I was given the news on the condition that Mom is not to know about the baby, nor is anyone who talks to her -- aunts, uncles, children, grandchildren and our cousins. If I don't keep my promise, my sisters will cut me out of their lives, too.
I'm angry about it. I didn't hurt them, Mom did. I went through the same nightmare they experienced. How do I deal with all of this now? -- PRISONER OF THE PAST
DEAR PRISONER: Your sisters have dealt with the abuse they suffered by going away, leaving all reminders behind. You chose to maintain contact with your mother. You have many valid reasons to be angry, but please do not aim your anger at your sisters for wanting to protect themselves from someone who condoned and encouraged their abuse.
Because you are having difficulty with your emotions, contact Childhelp to find the location of a qualified counselor near you. The toll-free number is 800-422-4453 and its website is www.childhelp.org. With professional help, you will be able to finally work through the feelings you have been avoiding for so long and start your own healing.
DEAR ABBY: We have two sons, a toddler and an infant. I'm a stay-at-home mom who plays in the mud, sand and dirt with her boys. I wear my bathing suit or a T-shirt and shorts. Later, we'll take a bath or shower together. It's safer and easier for me to be in the large, deep tub with them. We have bubbles, sing songs and make silly hairdos with shampoo. The boys never touch my body or point to my "parts."
My husband thinks I should be more modest, but I'm the one who nursed them. I'm the one they watch on the potty to learn. My nudity is never sexual in any way. Do you think it's OK for my boys to see me in the buff? -- CAREFREE MOMMY IN SARASOTA
DEAR CAREFREE MOMMY: There is a difference between interacting with your very young boys and being sexually provocative. I see no harm in what you're doing. Be "modest" when the kids are a little older, but for now there's no danger of them building an unhealthy mother fixation.
DEAR ABBY: In the past you have asked readers to tell you their pet peeves. You know what really irks me? It's when a man I haven't seen for many years runs into me and has changed to the point of being unrecognizable -- lost most or all his hair, stomach sagging to his groin and totally out of shape -- and the first thing he says to me is, "Oh, you've gained weight!"
What can I say to these fools without slamming a mirror over their heads because apparently they don't own one? -- NOT THE ONLY CHUBBY ONE IN TEXAS
DEAR NOT THE ONLY: Try this: "Have you looked in the mirror lately?"
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing to respond to the letter from the mother of the 12-year-old boy whose grandmother can't spell his name right. ("His Name Is Joe!"; Jan. 4). The same thing happened to my husband. His grandmother spells his name with a C instead of a K. I have always put K on our cards and letters to her, but I think at her age she's stuck in her habit.
Once she sent my husband a beautiful silver money clip for which she had spent several hundred dollars. She had it engraved with the wrong initials -- including the C. She's such a sweet, lovely woman that, at that point, I insisted he never make reference to the correct spelling of his name again. Engraved items can rarely be returned, and I knew how hurt she'd be knowing she had spelled his name wrong. He called and thanked her profusely for such a generous gift, and we've never brought up the matter since. -- ANNE IN TEXAS
DEAR ANNE: Thank you for writing. I guessed that the grandmother might not have been pleased with the name the boy had been given. Other readers also had hunches about why the grandmother would continue to misspell it. Their comments:
DEAR ABBY: I suspect that Grandma doesn't like that particular spelling of the child's name. These days people have come up with unusual spellings for common names. Instead of Rebecca, you have Rebekka. For Ashley, you have Ashlee, Ashleigh and Ashli. Karen can now be Caryn or Caren. This makes it especially difficult for anyone with an unusually spelled name. You can bet that no one will get it right. So I imagine this is Grandma's way of expressing her disapproval of the spelling of the child's name. -- ONLY THE SPELLING HAS BEEN CHANGED
DEAR ABBY: My sweet grandmother misspelled my name every time she wrote to us. She had only a third-grade education, lived in a home with no electricity, raised four girls alone after her husband died and continued to maintain the family farm.
She wrote with a pencil that was sharpened with a knife and spelled my name -- Karen -- the way it sounded to her, "Kron." I was never insulted. I always laughed about the fact that it looked as if my name were that of a cave person.
Of course, I knew she loved me unconditionally. Maybe that is why "HNIJ" seems to have a problem with her son's grandmother. Could it be she feels Grandma doesn't show enough love to the boy? -- CAVE WOMAN KRON
DEAR ABBY: Rather than suggest that Grandma doesn't like the child's name, it may be she's like my mother. Mom has a hearing problem and can't make out sounds, which is why she constantly misspells her grandson's name. -- JOYCE IN KENTUCKY
DEAR ABBY: I made the same mistake with my granddaughter's name -- for 10 years. No one told me her name ended with an "i" and not a "y." Boy, was I ever embarrassed. The misspelling was not deliberate, and I sure wish someone would have pointed out my error sooner. -- JUST UNINFORMED IN ALABAMA
DEAR ABBY: My late mother and my father-in-law both misspelled my children's names. Mom even took liberties with my name after I was married. I don't think either one was sending me a message. They just weren't familiar with the particular spelling.
"HNIJ" should give Grandma a framed photo of her grandson with his name (and date of birth, maybe) on a label at the bottom. Seeing his name daily may be all the woman needs to learn the correct spelling. -- BEEN THERE, TOO