A NOTE TO PARENTS OF YOUNG CHILDREN: If your little ones will be trick-or-treating tonight, please be sure they are supervised to assure their safety.
Woman's Eyes Are Open Wide by Cellphone Photos at Work
DEAR ABBY: There is a man at work I'm very attracted to. He seems to be equally attracted to me. The problem is, he has shown me two pictures of his privates that he has on his cellphone. When he did it, it wasn't completely out of context of our conversation and our interest in each other. We do not have a physical relationship (yet), but I'm considering it. How weird is it that he has these pictures on his phone? -- GOT AN EYEFUL IN ILLINOIS
DEAR GOT AN EYEFUL: That must have been some conversation! It's amazing either of you get any work done with so many pheromones floating in the air. From my perspective, what your co-worker did was "premature" considering you have no social relationship (yet). It could also be considered a form of flashing.
However, while I consider what he did to be overexposure and not a particularly impressive courtship technique, displaying pictures of his anatomy on his cellphone is not unheard of among men who think like adolescents.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a waitress at a 24-hour restaurant in a small town. Most of my customers are regulars, and for the most part we talk about current events and what is going on in each other's lives. Last night, two of my regulars came in and one tried to grab my hand after the other put his hand up the sleeve of my shirt. Both repeatedly asked me incredibly personal questions about my love life and finances, and I'll admit, I froze and then I walked away.
In any other kind of work environment what happened would be considered sexual harassment, but I'm not sure what to do about it, since they're customers and I'm the employee. At what point is the customer really wrong? -- MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
DEAR MAY: The point at which the customer is really wrong is when he (or she) repeatedly asks personal questions about a server's love life and puts his (or her) hands on the server. The way to handle it is to report what happened to your supervisor or employer, and make certain that in the future you are not the person taking their order. What happened was inappropriate anywhere -- and that includes in your restaurant.
DEAR ABBY: My 18-year-old son left for college over a month ago. While cleaning his room, I found all sorts of marijuana paraphernalia. I'm at a loss about how to handle this. I want to confront him because he knew the rules of the house (no drugs) and lied to me and broke them.
I do not want drugs in this house! I don't know what to do or say if he wants to come home for school breaks. I pray he is no longer doing them, but I think I would just be lied to if I brought it up. -- HEARTBROKEN MOM IN FREDERICKSBURG, VA.
DEAR HEARTBROKEN MOM: You have a right to set the rules in your house and expect that they will be respected. When your son comes home for his first school break, tell him what you found and how hurt you are to have been lied to. Then tell him that to make sure he doesn't abuse your trust in the future, you will be randomly drug-testing him. (Testing kits are sold over the counter at your pharmacy.) Explain what the penalty will be if he disregards your wishes. The threat of a drug test may ensure his compliance.
DEAR ABBY: "Chaplin, Conn., Reader" (Aug. 16) suggested that teachers should be sharing life lessons with children. Unfortunately, many people in our society believe it -- including parents. Students come to us with ever-increasing deficits in many non-curricular areas. But it is not the job of public educators to teach them the importance of families, helping grandparents, caring for household pets, etc.
If these things come up in the course of the day and there is a need to address them, we try to clarify any misconceptions. But taking time to prepare and teach a lesson on any of these small but important subjects is no longer an option. The demands placed on teachers today are vast and complex. Just getting parents to follow through at home on school responsibilities is a job in itself. Many of them don't seem to think they need to help their kids be successful in school. -- SEEN IT ALL IN MICHIGAN
DEAR SEEN IT ALL: Thank you for your comments. The letter from "Chaplin, Conn. Reader" brought a huge number of responses on this issue, primarily from teachers:
DEAR ABBY: I have worked in an elementary school for nine years. A teacher is a counselor, doctor, social worker and behavioral specialist all in one. Kids come to class dirty, hungry, tired, with no manners or clue about the alphabet or counting. Teachers have halted lessons because a child is in a meltdown. Some kids have never held a pencil or scissors, and don't know how to share or take directions from an adult. It's sad to hear them say they have no crayons at home or books to read. As for testing, unless the parents do their job, we will see little improvement in scores. And no, I don't work in a big-city school district -- this is a nice suburban area. -- STILL LOVE MY JOB
DEAR ABBY: I spend half my teaching time on behavioral issues, social skills, bullying, how to work in a group and just trying to hold kids' attention. Many children today are so used to constant stimulation from TV, video games, texting, etc., that their attention spans max out at 30 seconds. I practically have to sing and dance to reach them or they tune out. I suggest "Chaplin" go to a school, volunteer, and try to become a part of the solution instead of adding to the burden of already overworked teachers. -- TEACHING IN TACOMA
DEAR ABBY: You said parents should be the ones teaching the kinds of things the Connecticut reader wrote about. Then you asked where the parents are. Let me tell you! They're too busy on their smartphones talking to or fighting with their latest boy- or girlfriend, playing electronic games, out drinking and partying so much they don't know or care where their kids are. Parents who actually spend time with their children and give them undivided attention are sadly in the minority. Those who help to teach them are even fewer in number. -- KANSAS READER
DEAR ABBY: You are correct that teachers are overwhelmed by many curricular, legislative and administrative demands. However, educators can continually instill many of these life lessons into students by acting as positive role models who consistently demonstrate core values such as integrity, respect and determination. Students tend to do and learn what they see even more than what they are told -- by parents and teachers. -- ANNE IN NEVADA
DEAR ABBY: I am a retired physical education teacher, One day during a health class, a mother of one of my students came to school and told me I should teach "morals and manners" to her daughter. My response: "Ma'am, if you couldn't do that in 14 years, I can't do it in 40 minutes a day." -- REMEMBERS IT WELL
Grandfather's Bulletin Board Pinup Is Too Close to Home
DEAR ABBY: The other day at my in-laws', my mother-in-law, father-in-law, "Bert," and I were in their computer room. Bert has pictures of his family posted on his bulletin board and we often look at them when we're in the room.
One of the photos he posted recently I found disturbing. It was of a young, well-endowed woman in her early 20s wearing a tight tube top. What disturbed me was that Bert has printed my 16-year-old daughter's name underneath and the date "2017." When I asked him about it, he said that was what she will look like at 21. My mother-in-law said she thought it was crude, and I think it's unnerving for a grandfather to be picturing his only granddaughter in such a manner.
We have a great family life and I wouldn't want that to end over a picture, but I don't want to look at it, and I don't think this is behavior that's expected from a man in his 60s.
How should I broach the subject that the photo needs to come down? -- CONCERNED FATHER FROM GREAT LAKES
DEAR CONCERNED FATHER: Grandpa "Bert" appears to be a dirty old man. I'm not sure "you" should talk to him about this. It would have more impact if you, your wife and your mother-in-law do it together. When you do, tell him that putting your daughter's name under the picture was in poor taste and you all want the picture with your daughter's name shredded. (That way you're sure it's gone.)
Privately, your wife should ask your daughter if Grandpa Bert has ever done anything that made her uncomfortable. If the answer is yes, confront him. If not, explain your concerns to your daughter, tell her you and your wife love her, and she can always come to you with any concerns of her own.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a young mother who dropped out of high school because I didn't have enough credits. I started a great job in fast food and have a very understanding boss. I met my boyfriend at work. We've lived together since before my son was born and he has helped me to raise my boy. (His biological dad left me and has had no contact since I was two months pregnant.)
Lately I have been incredibly depressed. I'm nowhere I wanted to be in life, miserable in my relationship and have started to hate my job. I'm clinically diagnosed as bipolar and on medication. I have also been seeing a therapist since I was very young. I don't know what to do. I don't want to throw my life away. I love my son and want the best for him. Any advice on how to pick myself up? -- DOWN DEEP IN CLEVELAND
DEAR DOWN DEEP: Yes. Tell your therapist that you are cycling into a depression. Your medications may need to be adjusted. Next, explore completing your high school education by getting a GED degree, which may widen your employment opportunities. Once you're feeling better, you should consider whether you want to end the romantic relationship you have with your boyfriend. When your emotions are on an even keel, you'll be better able to make that decision.
P.S. If you're not receiving child support, contact the department of social services in your state, because your child's father should have been contributing regularly.
DEAR ABBY: When filling salt and pepper shakers that aren't marked, does the salt go into the one with the fewer holes on the top? -- PLEASE PASS THE SALT
DEAR PLEASE PASS THE SALT: There is no set rule. Although traditionally the salt shaker is the one with more holes, because doctors now advise Americans to cut back on our salt intake, it might make more sense to put it into the shaker with fewer holes.