DEAR ABBY: My mother never liked my paternal grandmother. Grandma "Jane" was tolerated, but often treated as an object of ridicule or contempt. My sister unquestioningly absorbed my mother's prejudice against her and is blatantly rude to her.
Over the years I have grown close to Grandma Jane. My husband and I visit her regularly. Dad knows, but says it's better if Mom doesn't know.
Grandma has asked me several times if I know why Mom dislikes her. She's in her 90s, isolated from her family and desperately searching for answers. I can only imagine it stems from some disagreement dating back to before I was born.
I am also sad that Dad won't visit his mother because Mom won't go with him. I can't believe Grandma Jane has done anything to deserve being forced to die alone, and it hurts knowing my mother would be so vindictive out of spite.
Grandma's good health can't last forever. I worry what will happen when she can no longer live independently. I believe in reconciliation, tolerance and a little maturity, but I know I am in the minority. What can I possibly do? -- LOYAL DAUGHTER, CARING GRANDDAUGHTER
DEAR LOYAL AND CARING: Not knowing the details of what caused the rift, I'm advising you to do as your father has suggested. If he were stronger, he would have insisted decades ago that his mother be treated with respect. That he would allow her to be ridiculed or treated rudely in his presence while he remained silent is shameful.
While you can't heal the breach, you can remain caring and supportive of your grandmother. When she can no longer live independently, she will need someone to help her or to move her to assisted living. The ideal person to watch over her then would be you.