DEAR READERS: Today we remember the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., who was martyred in the cause of civil rights in 1968. "Nonviolence," he preached, "is a powerful and just weapon ... which cuts without wounding and ennobles the man who wields it. It is a sword that heals." His was a voice of reason in a time of insanity, silenced too soon.
WOMAN TORN BY HEALTH ISSUES YEARNS TO FEEL WHOLE AGAIN
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 40-year-old female in the military who has been married for a few years. When I got married, I was slim, had a full head of beautiful, long hair and hardly any medical problems. Over the last couple of years I have developed a host of medical issues, all related to the harsh conditions of my deployments.
My husband is shorter than I am, thin and three years younger. I have gained more than 40 pounds due to steroid treatments. I had to cut my long hair because it was falling out from stress. I look nothing like the woman I was when we were married. I look mannish!
Abby, my husband no longer seems proud to be seen with me in public. He won't hold my hand, and he walks behind me or ahead of me so it doesn't appear we're together. I have tried talking to him about it, but he pretends nothing is wrong.
I think we look ridiculous together. Now that I'm so unattractive, the differences in height and our ages bother me more. I am embarrassed, ashamed, avoiding social situations and becoming a recluse. Doctors won't do anything to help me because they say it's a "cosmetic" issue. I don't know where to begin to dig myself out of this miserable existence. -- NO LONGER MYSELF IN MARYLAND
DEAR NO LONGER YOURSELF: I disagree with your doctors. This isn't a "cosmetic" issue. You are depressed! Please consult both another primary physician, preferably female, who can identify with the feelings you're having, and a psychologist.
Yes, you have put on weight, but patients aren't permanently on steroids. Your hair will grow out with time. But in the meantime, you may need psychological counseling to get you through this. Your husband may not be less proud to be seen with you. You may be projecting your own feelings onto him.
You're a strong woman. Please talk to a psychologist who can help you get your head straight. Happiness is the best cosmetic there is, and once you get a handle on your emotions, you will become your old self again.
DEAR ABBY: This is an open letter to parents out there who bring their kids to adults-only events because they couldn't get a baby sitter, but didn't want to miss out on a fun time. Listen, folks -- when you signed on for parenthood, you gave up the privilege to party anytime you want. An invitation stating "adults only" means just that. Do not expect the hosts to tone it down because you were too selfish to stay home with your child.
I attended a 50th birthday party to which one mom brought her 5-year-old daughter. She then requested the host "sanitize" the event, but he refused. That mom spent most of the time covering her child's eyes. (She tried to cover the girl's ears, too, without success.)
Not only was there a racy birthday cake and adult toys as gifts, but the adults weren't holding back in conversations, either. Instead of leaving, the mom stayed -- until the male stripper started performing. She was mad, but it was her own fault that her little daughter witnessed more than she should have.
Parents should be grown-ups. That means occasionally missing out on something because they are no longer single and childless. Please don't mess up somebody's party with your selfishness. -- RESPONSIBLE MOM IN L.A.
DEAR RESPONSIBLE MOM: I agree. You have stated it well. Not only was it unfair to the host and other guests, it was inappropriate for the child.
MAN BUSY IN RETIREMENT GETS NO RESPECT FROM WORKING WIFE
DEAR ABBY: I retired two years ago at age 50 after working for 30 years. My wife and I are financially secure and I'm enjoying every day of my retirement. However, my wife -- who is younger -- won't be eligible to retire from her job for another five years. She is becoming more and more abrasive toward me. I suspect it's because she's jealous of my retirement status.
She constantly accuses me of being lazy. Abby, I don't sit around all day. In addition to doing the yard work, house upkeep, and repair and maintaining our cars, I do all the grocery shopping, help with the laundry, dishes, general cleanup and take care of our pets. Despite all this, my wife still bemoans my sleeping late in the morning (9 a.m.) and not going to a regular job like she does.
I'm still young enough to get another job. Should I go back to work until she retires? -- SHOULD BE HAPPY IN TAMPA
DEAR SHOULD BE HAPPY: That's not a bad idea, but don't start looking until your wife has told you plainly why she has become "abrasive." Wouldn't it be interesting if all she wanted was for you to have a cup of coffee with her in the morning? It would be a shame if you went back to work only to realize that something else was causing her change in attitude. You deserve to know what's going on because you do not appear to be lazy -- quite the contrary.
DEAR ABBY: I'm an adult woman, working full time for my parents as their store manager. I do a lot of office work for my dad, who hates computer work. He has an eBay business on the side, which I manage for him.
My problem is, eBay shows me what Dad has shopped for every time I log on. Some of the items are of a personal, intimate nature, and I'm not comfortable knowing about them. I'm glad my parents have a healthy marriage, but it's way too much information for me. As a family, we don't communicate well, so I don't know how to handle this. My husband had no suggestions, so I turn to you. -- REALLY DON'T WANT TO KNOW
DEAR REALLY DON'T: Try this: Send your father an email telling him that you feel some of the items he is buying online are not things that a daughter should be seeing. Include as an attachment your letter to me. That should do the trick.
DEAR ABBY: My grandmother recently bought me a plane ticket to go visit her. In the airport on the way back home, the flight was overbooked and I agreed to be bumped to another flight in exchange for a free ticket to be used or given to someone else within a year.
My mother says the free ticket belongs to my grandmother because she paid for it. I say I should use it for myself because it is compensation for the lost time and trouble of switching flights. What do you think? -- MINNESOTA TRAVELER
DEAR TRAVELER: Your mother has a point. Offer the ticket to your grandmother. If you're lucky, she'll tell you to keep and enjoy it. If she doesn't, at least you'll know you did the right thing. (When you give in the true spirit of giving, it will come back to you -- or so it implies in Ecclesiastes.)
DEAR ABBY: I sneeze a lot at work. I don't know if it's the dust or what. When I do, someone always says "bless you" afterward. I don't care to be blessed, but I think people would be insulted if I told them it isn't necessary. Should I tell them not to? -- ALREADY BLESSED IN IOWA
DEAR ALREADY BLESSED: If you prefer that nobody say "bless you," you should say so. But do it before your next sneezing attack so your co-workers will be forewarned. I'm sure they'll abide by your wishes -- unless they just say it out of habit. And then it's a knee-jerk reaction, not a blessing.
Boyfriend Tugs at Heartstrings From a Very Long Distance
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Cole," and I have been together since college -- several years now. We have a loving relationship, but the problem is distance. My job sometimes requires me to take short-term (two- to five-month) contracts in other cities and overseas.
Even though it is difficult to be apart, I handle long-distance relationships relatively well while Cole does not. This began in college when I studied abroad for a semester. Cole tries to be supportive and wants me to be successful, but he takes it personally when I have to leave. For me, it's just about a job, but Cole doesn't see it that way.
I would support Cole wherever and in whatever he needed. Although it would be ideal to be together all the time, I realize that sometimes it isn't possible. Am I being selfish, or do we simply need different things out of a relationship? -- GLOBE-TROTTER IN DES MOINES
DEAR GLOBE-TROTTER: Are you being selfish, or is Cole being selfish? Are you willing to give up a career you have prepared for and work in so that he will no longer suffer separation anxiety? While your relationship is a loving one, the two of you have serious differences, and you must rationally decide which is more important to you. After that, everything will fall into place.
DEAR ABBY: My wife died nine years ago after a long illness. We have a son, a daughter and seven grandchildren.
I met "Lucille" two years ago at a basketball game that involved both our grandsons. Slowly, we began dating. Lucille has been a widow for many years and has five children. We are now engaged and planning a wedding for about 60 people after Lucille retires next year. We want to include our families in the ceremony.
Lucille's two eldest sons plan to give her away. Two of her granddaughters will be flower girls. I asked my son to be my best man and he refused. He said he is happy for us and will attend the wedding, but he prefers not to stand up for me. He feels it would be disloyal to his mother's memory. He is adamant.
I never imagined my son would act this way. I didn't mean to offend him. I'm not trying to replace his mother. We just want to bring both families together. Abby, your opinion, please. -- WELL-MEANING DAD ON THE EAST COAST
DEAR DAD: It's a shame that your son feels unable to support you as you enter this new phase of your life. If he is offended at the idea that after nine years you would want to remarry, the problem is his. Do not make it yours. I'm sure your late wife would want your life to be fulfilling. Ask your daughter or a close friend to stand up with you and let nothing spoil your day. You and Lucille have earned your happiness. Bless you both.
DEAR ABBY: Please tell me the proper etiquette for gift-giving. My in-laws often leave the price tags on gifts, especially if the gift was expensive. I believe price tags should be removed. Shouldn't a gift come from the heart and not be a monetary statement? -- OFFENDED IN WISCONSIN
DEAR OFFENDED: Yes, it should. Leaving a price tag on a gift implies that the giver is also "giving" the recipient a burden of gratitude. And the burden of gratitude can weigh so heavily that it diminishes the pleasure of receiving a gift.