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Neighbor's Crude Advances Demand a Swift Response
DEAR ABBY: This is embarrassing to say, but yesterday my sister wanted to go tanning, so our neighbor's father took us. After she got out of the car, he started to touch me inappropriately and say nasty things.
I told him to stop and that I didn't like it, but he kept on. Should I tell the police? Or my old social worker? I don't know what to do. My sister and I stay home a lot because our parents work, and I'm afraid he'll do something worse.
Please don't print my name or location. I don't want my parents to know just yet. I'm 20 and don't know how the law works for this type of assault. This is considered an assault, right? Please answer soon. -- SCARED ON THE EAST COAST
DEAR SCARED: No one has the right to put his hands on you without your permission! While what your neighbor's father did may not have been an assault, it could be considered sexual battery. You should definitely inform your social worker right away. A man who would do this to you is completely capable of doing it to a minor. Your social worker will know how to handle the details.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend was laid off 11 months ago and hasn't been able to find another job since. My problem is, he isn't seriously looking for one. Every time I suggest he get one he becomes angry, or if I suggest a specific job he gives me some reason why he won't take it -- such as the pay is too low. He has no college education and no other formal schooling. What does he expect?
I love him, and other than this our relationship is pretty great. But lately this is causing a major strain because I want more for him. I hold two jobs and will be continuing my B.S. in psychology next year. I have tried being nice, being rude, and discussing it with him. He just doesn't "get" that I'm losing respect for the man I once admired. How can I make him see he needs to do more with his life than collect unemployment? -- STRIVING HIGHER IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR STRIVING HIGHER: With today's job market what it is, it's possible that without further training your boyfriend may not be able to find another job that offers the same wages and/or benefits as the one he lost. Remind him that his unemployment benefits are finite -- they're not going to last forever.
He needs to understand that when that happens, you are not going to support him. He may be depressed, but the longer he sits around, the longer it'll take him to become motivated. Even if he can't find work right now, he can seek further job training. He can also do volunteer work, which would get him out and circulating and help him to make more contacts that could lead to permanent employment.
DEAR ABBY: Let's say you made arrangements with a friend and then forgot about them, so you made other arrangements with someone else. When you discover your mistake, should you honor the first commitment? -- NEEDS AN ANSWER SOON
DEAR NEEDS AN ANSWER: Yes, you should. To cancel the original plans would be rude. And when you make other arrangements with the "someone else," you should apologize and explain that you had previous plans.
Stylist's Hair Raising Tales May Scare His Clients Away
DEAR ABBY: I am a weekly client at an upscale hair salon. I and most of the other customers are over 65. The owner, "Valentino," is a 50ish widower who likes to brag about his romantic conquests. My friends and I agree that his revelations are inappropriate and unprofessional.
Val is an excellent hairdresser. Should we ignore his behavior, or quit cold turkey and live with bad hair days? -- EMBARRASSED IN THE BIG EASY
DEAR EMBARRASSED: I have a better idea. Take Valentino aside and tell him privately, as a friend, that hearing the details of his sex life is embarrassing, and that some of his clients have mentioned they're considering changing hairdressers because of it. That should "snip" it.
DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Marianne," and I have known each other for 27 years. She recently got divorced, started playing online games and met a man at one of the sites. Within a couple of months, he had moved across the country with his son and into Marianne's house.
This guy has nothing going for him. He has no job background, no skills, and as near as I can tell, he is a mooch. Marianne says he feels material things aren't important and he is just not "into" money.
Marianne and I get out for a couple of hours a week for "girl time," and when we do, he calls and texts her constantly like a jealous teenager. Abby, we're 40 years old! I haven't told her how I feel about her new live-in, but I have always had good instincts and my alarm bells are ringing. Should I tell her how I feel, or try to be happy she has found someone to give her the attention she didn't have in her marriage? -- SEES THE WRITING ON THE WALL
DEAR SEES THE WRITING: Of course the man doesn't think material things are important and isn't into money. He is enjoying Marianne's material things and her money.
Yes, you should tell your friend you are concerned. Begin by saying your concern stems from a fear that she has gotten seriously involved so quickly after her divorce, and that the man appears to be so insecure and controlling that he can't give her a couple of hours of "girl time" without interruption. That really is a red flag. And the fact that your friend is supporting him and his son is another.
DEAR ABBY: A close, longtime family friend recently passed. In order to relieve some of the pressure on the deceased's family, I volunteered my time and money to organize the reception following the funeral.
There was a lot of food left over, much of it food that I had provided. We offered the leftovers to the family and they took some, but not all of it. I assumed that what was left of my food would go to me and my family, but others (some of whom provided nothing) decided to pack it up for themselves. Am I wrong to feel cheated out of food that I purchased? -- TICKED OFF IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR TICKED OFF: I understand your frustration, but please don't waste your time fuming. The people who took the leftovers without first checking to see who had brought or donated the food probably needed it more than you. These are difficult times, so let it go.
DEAR ABBY: I am writing to respond to "Old Mama in Washington State" (June 1), whose pregnancy at 40 is unwelcome to her husband and two teens. My parents had a "bonus baby" when they were in their early 40s. I was 17 and my brother was 13 when we found out. It was hard for us to accept at first. I was grossed out by the idea of my parents having sex, and I was afraid people would think the baby was mine after she was born.
All our worries disappeared when we first laid eyes on our baby sister. I love her to death, and she is lucky to have my brother as her protector. It was a good thing that we were nearly 18 years apart, because I got the benefits of a sister without having to share a room! Now, at 12, she's a fabulous friend to my 8-year-old and will soon be big enough to baby-sit the 4-year-old and the baby.
I'm sure "Mama's" family will become more accepting over time. When they see that baby, they'll know their family is finally complete. -- PROUD BIG SISTER IN CHICAGO
DEAR BIG SISTER: Thank you for writing. I received a mountain of mail in response to that letter. Readers were enthusiastic in expressing their firsthand experiences being families with unexpected pregnancies. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I was pregnant with twins at 45 and my then-l8-year-old daughter was furious with me, going as far as banning me from her high school graduation. It hurt, and I agonized over the decision, but in the end I waddled in anyway. I'm so glad I did.
Fast-forward: The twins are almost 3 now, and they worship their older sister and brother, and the feeling is mutual. As soon as "Mama's" husband sees the baby, I'm sure he'll be over the moon as well. Yes, the future looks exhausting, but it's well worth it. This time around you'll have so much more patience and wisdom -- and you'll pick your battles more wisely. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT
DEAR ABBY: I have to agree with "Mama's" family. Pregnant at 40 is not a miracle, and she's deluded to think so. I was born when my mother was 42. I'm 16 years younger than my oldest sibling, and all my cousins are older.
It is hard growing up with no siblings to play with and no cousins to really talk to because they're all in high school and don't want a "kid" tagging along. I felt unwanted most of my childhood.
It gets better for a while, but then you watch your parents age and die. I didn't have the kind of relationship with my grandparents that my siblings did. And because I was born so many years behind everyone, I missed out on most of the fun family times.
Please tell "Mama" not to take it personally, to be sure her new addition is paid attention to and assured that he/she is much loved and wanted. -- UNEXPECTED SURPRISE IN TEXAS
DEAR ABBY: I was 42, with children ages 12 and 17, when we were surprised by an unplanned pregnancy. We were concerned, of course, with the statistics for a complicated pregnancy, so we had the testing done and trusted that everything would be OK. My pregnancy and delivery were the best of all three, and my little girl has been a blessing to everyone.
She's now 13, and living with a teenager when you're in your 50s is a surefire way to stave off dementia. You have to stay on your toes, and we thank God that he chose to send us one last bundle of joy.
"Mama," don't let the resentment of your family steal your happiness. They will either have a change of heart or not, but that baby will be loved, because she has a mom with a lot of experience. -- ANOTHER OLD MOM IN RICHMOND