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Woman With Husband and Lover Wants One Big Happy Family
DEAR ABBY: Sometime ago, you printed a letter from one of your readers who was upset over her son's polyamorous relationship. I didn't respond then, but now that my triad is ready to come out to my boyfriend's family (we are out to mine and to my husband's·family), I feel the need to address this lifestyle in your column and ask your advice.
My husband and I have been together 10 years. We started out as swingers. When we met my now-boyfriend, it became apparent that it was going to be more serious than "play" partners. Our particular arrangement is a "V" triad, meaning I am involved with two (husband and boyfriend), but they are not involved with each other.
My boyfriend is extremely important to us in every way. We all work together to make a very smooth-running, loving household.
I want you and your readers to know that this is a viable relationship with love, respect and, most important, open communication. This kind of relationship -- or any, for that matter -- is doomed without it.
An estimated half-million people in the United States are part of polyamorous relationships. We're not freaks in need of counseling, but people who realize that love can grow and that there is an alternative to monogamy.
Abby, I would like to get some tips from someone who doesn't readily accept this life or even know it's out there. My boyfriend's family is conservative and they know he lives with a married couple. We've all spent time together, and I think they like me. Of course, they don't know I'm romantically involved with their son.
What's the best way to tell them about our triad? We want them to know this isn't the end of the world and that I love him very much. I'd appreciate any advice from you or your readers on this. Until we're out of the closet, please sign me ... NOWHERE AND EVERYWHERE
DEAR N AND E: Because you're looking for input from someone who "doesn't readily accept this life," you have come to the right place. You didn't say how long your boyfriend has been living with you and your husband, but if it has been any length of time and his parents know he isn't involved with anyone else, it's possible they already have some suspicions.
Because they are conservative, if I were you I wouldn't shatter their illusions. I can almost guarantee they won't embrace you for it. If you feel you must disclose the information, then do it in the same way that you have explained it to me. But don't expect them to jump for joy.
DEAR ABBY: At what age does a person become a senior citizen? There has been much discussion about this in our family. I looked forward to turning 50 and becoming a "semi-sexy senior." AARP starts asking us to join before 50. -- BILL IN ARKANSAS
DEAR BILL: Yes, it does. It's called recruiting. Eligibility for senior discounts varies depending upon the establishment offering them, and there's no limit to the age one can be "semi-sexy" as long as you are healthy, willing and able.
When I was invited to join the AARP, I decided to defer becoming a senior citizen as long as possible. With the retirement age now approaching 70, it appears the government is taking its lead from me.
DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Secondhand Rose" (June 11) was well-intentioned but won't provide the level of intervention her husband needs. He's clearly a compulsive shopper and hoarder, and her going along on his buying trips will only lead to more family conflict and bad feelings without solving anything.
He needs cognitive behavioral therapy, the sooner the better. Like all addicts, he will probably be unwilling to admit he needs treatment and resist going. The best way to deal with this is family intervention -- like what is done with alcoholics and drug addicts.
The family would be helped by going to Al-Anon meetings for support and to help them understand. Just substitute the word "hoarding" for alcohol and the picture will be clear. If there's a Clutterers Anonymous meeting nearby and he is willing to go, that would be ideal. There are also online meetings.
Hoarding is a serious, life-threatening and life-consuming disorder like any other addiction. Getting better without treatment is unlikely. -- GLORIA V., ONE WHO KNOWS
DEAR GLORIA: Many readers felt as you do, that "Secondhand Rose's" husband has a serious disorder and needs professional help. One organization that has been mentioned before in this column is The Obsessive-Compulsive Foundation. Its website is www.ocfoundation.org. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I have a suggestion for Rose. Why not check with a local charity and ask what it needs? Give her husband the list and have him search for bargains, then donate them to the charity. It's win-win. The donation can be declared on their tax return, they won't have loads of clutter, the charity benefits, and her husband can continue to use his bargain-hunting skills. -- VICTORIA IN OLYMPIA, WASH.
DEAR ABBY: Hoarding goes far beyond being an avid shopper or simply a clutterbug or pack rat. Hoarding is compulsive. It gets worse over time and turns one's home into a dangerous, dusty and unhealthy place to live. Hoarders' inability to let go overrides everything else -- their families' needs for functional space to sleep, eat and prepare food.
Recently some TV shows have shed light on this behavior. It hurts those closest to the hoarder. Children of hoarders are not able to visit their parents, and the legacy of shame and hurt of the illness goes on for a lifetime as family members realize that stuff means more to the hoarder than they do.
This isn't a problem someone can fix easily. The hoarder has to be willing as well, and professional intervention is needed. -- ADULT CHILD OF A HOARDER
DEAR ABBY: Is it possible that this collector could turn his hobby into a business? In this poor economy, more people are buying used. Some options would be: garage sales of his own, or rent a small shop or space in a consignment store. We may have a budding entrepreneur here. -- PAULA IN JEFFERSON CITY, MO.
DEAR ABBY: Rose's husband has a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder. Her conclusion that her home is turning into a warehouse is correct; hoarders value trash and are blind to their illness, believing they are only "collectors." They twist every conversation you have with them in an attempt to save their trash and will destroy normal relationships with family.
Rose needs to educate and protect herself before it's too late. Eventually her home will completely deteriorate because normal maintenance will be impossible. She won't be able to clean because of the piles of junk. -- STILL DIGGING OUT IN CALIFORNIA
FRIEND CAN'T MUSTER SYMPATHY FOR WOMAN IN ABUSIVE MARRIAGE
DEAR ABBY: My friend "Sarah" is married to "Karl," who emotionally abuses her. My husband and I used to spend a lot of time with them, but we have gradually dropped Karl from our circle because we can't tolerate the way he treats her.
Sarah has asked me not to drop her because she has very few friends left. She stays with Karl because she's afraid she'll lose too much financially if they divorce. I have tried to tell her that her happiness should outweigh her desire for material things, but she likes living in her fancy home.
Karl hasn't worked in almost 10 years and does nothing but drink and belittle Sarah. He's also hostile to her adult children, who are fabulous people. If Sarah wants to see her grandchildren, she goes to their home because he doesn't want them around. Abby, this is a career woman who could retire in a few years but probably won't because her work is her escape.
I think Sarah is living a miserable existence. She deserves so much more. I know I'm not being as good a friend as I can be -- and I feel guilty -- but I have lost respect for her. I'm sick of hearing how "he's trying to be better." It's hard to watch someone who chooses to live her one life this way. How can we support her when we can't stand her spouse or understand her reason for staying in a loveless marriage? -- RUNNING SHORT ON SYMPATHY IN TEXAS
DEAR RUNNING SHORT: Much as you might like to, you can't run your friend's life or use your personal yardstick to measure what is important to her. After years of verbal abuse, Sarah's self-esteem may be shaky, and she doesn't feel prepared to take the financial hit that a divorce would cause.
Your friend could use both counseling and legal advice, and if you care about her, you should suggest it. But other than that, if you want to remain friends, my advice is to stop judging her.
DEAR ABBY: I suffered from severe depression and low self-esteem when I was younger. Because I didn't have the coping mechanisms to deal with what I was going through, I starved and cut myself.
I got treatment, gained weight and stopped cutting. I'm 30 now, married and much happier. I'm at a healthy weight, so my past eating disorder is no longer obvious. But the scars I bear from the self-injury can be seen from across a room. I dress modestly to cover them most of the time, but I don't want to wear long sleeves and pants for the rest of my life out of fear of what people might say.
I'd like to wear a swimsuit or tank tops in the summer, but I have no idea how to address the stares and questions that would go along with that. How do you advise me to deal with the reaction of others to my scars? I don't necessarily want to discuss my past depression. -- WAY BEYOND IT NOW IN OREGON
DEAR WAY BEYOND IT: Because your scars are so noticeable, my advice is to be honest. An alternative might be to wear sun-protective jackets when you're not in the water, which more and more smart people do these days to avoid sun damage.
However, because you do not wish to cover up, you will have to deal with the inevitable questions. How much you choose to reveal would depend upon who is asking. You don't have to share intimate details with a stranger. A way to deflect it would be to respond, "That's very personal and I'd rather not discuss it." However, if someone you know is asking out of concern, you might handle it by saying: "When I was a teenager I became depressed and cut myself. But that was a long time ago."
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)