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Elusive Mr. Right Turns Out to Be Miss Right Instead
DEAR ABBY: I have never been moved to write in response to a letter until I read "Concerned About My Girl in Kentucky" (May 9). It was from a mom who was worried that while her daughter "Celia" had no problem attracting men, she has a problem keeping them.
My intelligent, caring, creative, adventurous and beautiful daughter had successful, handsome and wonderful men throwing themselves at her. A couple of dates and they were never heard from again. When I asked, "What's the problem?" she would shrug her shoulders. I thought she was being too picky, and when the right man came along he'd sweep her off her feet and all would be well.
One day, my daughter came to me and said she had met someone. I said, "Tell me about him." She replied, "Who said it has to be a 'him'?" My daughter was just as surprised as I was to discover she is a lesbian.
She is now in a relationship with a wonderful woman. I'm glad she realized this at 25 instead of 55, after living a life that wasn't hers because she thought that was what was "expected." She's happy now, and so am I. -- PROUD MOM IN ROCHESTER, N.Y.
DEAR PROUD MOM: Thank you for sharing your daughter's happy revelation. The following responses may offer other interesting insights for "Concerned" to consider. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: You suggested Celia ask her friends for feedback. My very attractive friend "Jan" has had two failed marriages and four short-term relationships. In the last five years, she has had many first dates -- only.
She asks, "What is wrong with these guys? Don't they know what they want?" None of us will respond because Jan isn't really looking for an answer, and we're all afraid of being the target of her wrath. It's always the other person's fault. When a friend tries to be helpful by offering gently worded suggestions, this friend gets her head bitten off and returned on a platter.
Some people don't want to improve themselves because they're content to complain and blame someone else instead of taking their own inventory. -- BACKING OFF IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR ABBY: My mother's dream was to have all her children married with six or more children and living happily ever after in wedded bliss. My dream was to live alone with five dogs in a quiet, rural area. "Concerned" may be putting too much pressure on her daughter, causing her to rush into relationships and scaring the men away. Celia needs to sit down and figure out what she wants for herself. Then, maybe, the man of her dreams will come to her. -- REALISTIC READER IN MICHIGAN
DEAR ABBY: I had a friend in college who was smart, beautiful, funny and a great cook. But she rarely had a second date. Her problem was she never shut up! She was constantly talking and, even when engaged in a conversation, she would frequently interrupt and carry on without listening to the other person. If she had asked me why men avoided her, I would have told her the truth, but I was never given the chance. -- IS IT MY TURN TO TALK?
DEAR ABBY: Speaking as a guy who has regretfully had to pass on three "Celias," I know there is one likely possibility that her friends may not realize or have the heart to tell her: Lose the cats. -- NOT A DEVOTEE OF CHAIRMAN MEOW
FAN OF HOLLYWOOD WONDERS IF ROMANCE IS JUST A DREAM
DEAR ABBY: I come from a Third World country and live as a legal alien in San Francisco. I grew up reading great American authors, watching American TV and Hollywood movies, so I thought I had a good understanding about your Western societal structure. I have made many friends in this wonderful city, but the women here drive me crazy.
I am a romantic at heart, but not desperate. However, my gestures are often misunderstood. One time I gave a feminist/radical girl a book about the feminist movement and she freaked out. She said she wasn't looking for anything serious and didn't want me to expect anything from her. Abby, it was just a book, not a diamond ring.
I was in a relationship for four months. It was fine, until I told her I was madly in love with her. She freaked out and said she didn't want to get tied down. I was dumbfounded and heartbroken.
A few months later, I started dating again and met an incredible woman who made my heart skip a beat. I enjoyed being with her so much I sent flowers to her workplace. She freaked out, too.
Am I being completely ignorant to believe in romance? Or is there something wrong with me? -- CALIFORNIA DREAMER
DEAR DREAMER: There isn't anything "wrong" with you, but I suspect you're coming on a bit too strong, too quickly. Life in the United States isn't the way it's depicted in novels, television and Hollywood movies. Getting to know someone takes time -- so take more time before declaring you're madly in love. And the next time you feel the urge to give someone flowers, send them to her home because some professional women prefer to keep their private lives separate from where they work.
DEAR ABBY: My husband of 27 years has been having chemotherapy for lymphoma off and on for two years. Friends and neighbors call him often. However, not one of them has ever asked me how I'm doing. I understand the awkwardness of emotional conversations, but it deeply disappoints me that people act as though my husband's cancer doesn't affect me.
What's the best way for us to care for each other? We are all so fragile and vulnerable. -- HURTING TOO IN HAWAII
DEAR HURTING TOO: I agree. The answer is for people to realize that life-threatening diseases affect the entire family, not just the patient. In your case, if someone asks how your husband is doing, you should say, "'John' is doing well so far, but his illness has been very stressful for me. Thanks for asking." It may start the conversation you want to have.
However, if it doesn't, you should check out the American Cancer Society's website, www.cancer.org, which lists the location of support groups everywhere. It would be helpful for you emotionally and spiritually to join a group of caregivers who are coping with what you have been experiencing.
DEAR ABBY: An acquaintance recently announced that she's pregnant. None of us were aware that she was in a relationship. Is there a polite way to find out who the father is? -- JUST CURIOUS IN NEW MEXICO
DEAR CURIOUS: I can think of two ways: The first is to wait for her to tell you. The other is to just ask.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
National Anthem Deserves Your Hand and Your Heart
DEAR ABBY: I was criticized recently for placing my right hand over my heart while the U.S. flag was flown and "The Star-Spangled Banner" was being sung. I was told that the hand over the heart is for the Pledge of Allegiance only, when the flag is present. Is that true, and what is the proper procedure? -- ST. LOUIS PATRIOT
DEAR PATRIOT: No, it is not true. Whoever criticized you was ignorant of the Flag Code, as amended by the 94th Congress and approved July 7, 1976.
According to the code, "During the rendition of the national anthem when the flag is displayed, all present ... shall stand at attention facing the flag with the right hand over the heart. ... When the flag is not displayed, those present should face toward the music and act in the manner they would if the flag were displayed there."
And by the way, happy Flag Day to all my readers out there.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 25-year-old male who, for the most part, has figured out what I want to do with my life. I'm currently working, and I am also considering entering the military to boost my character and resume. I want to eventually become a lawyer so I can help people.
Something that irritates my family is my refusal to date. I suffer from anxiety attacks just at the thought of talking to a woman or asking for a date. My older sister asks me when I will marry, and my dad claims I'd be a great father. How can I get my family to understand that I'm not interested in marriage and children? -- LOVELESS IN THE SOUTHWEST
DEAR LOVELESS: I respect your desire to enter the military, boost your character and resume and earn a law degree. But please don't use the military as a way to escape dealing with your inability to be comfortable with half the human race. If and when you enlist, you will be in a work environment where there are females and situations in which you may be required to work as a team. That's why I strongly suggest that you talk to a mental health professional about your anxiety about women before enlisting.
Marriage and children are not for everyone -- and you may be one of those men who should be a confirmed bachelor. But not because you're afraid of women.
DEAR ABBY: My father has been dead for more than 15 years. Any time my mother sees people she hasn't seen since Dad's death, she makes a point of telling them how happy she is now that he's dead! She doesn't care how loudly she declares it or how she says it.
At my son's recent wedding reception, I overheard her having this conversation with my brother-in-law. He made eye contact with me to see if I could hear what she was saying, then shook his head like he couldn't believe what she was saying.
Abby, it's embarrassing that she does this all the time. If I say anything, I know she'll get mad at me. Any suggestions? -- CAN'T TAKE HER ANYWHERE
DEAR CAN'T TAKE HER ANYWHERE: Yes. Ignore her. Obviously your parents' marriage wasn't made in heaven -- but her widowhood is.