DEAR ABBY: I grew up disliking a lot of things about my mother, but the main thing was how she treated my father. I still don't like it.
Now I realize I have started treating my husband the same way sometimes. He says it doesn't bother him and everything is fine in our marriage, but I lie awake at night worried about how I'm treating him. Situations come up, and before I can stop myself, I say something I wish I hadn't. One of my husband's friends noticed it and mentioned it.
I married a wonderful man, and I don't want to put him through what my dad endured. What can I do? -- SEEING A PATTERN
DEAR SEEING: It's not unusual for children to model the behavior of their parents, even when the example isn't a good one. You will need to learn to self-censor before you open your mouth in stressful situations. One way to do it is, before snapping, ask yourself, "Is this true? Is it helpful? Is it kind?" However, learning the tools to create new patterns of behavior isn't easy -- and you may need the help of a licensed counselor in order to overcome the patterns of a lifetime.