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Guest Dreads the Surprise at Friend's Birthday Party
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I will be attending a milestone birthday party for a friend of his. The fiancee of the birthday guy stated on the invitation, "There will be a surprise during the evening." It has been suggested that a stripper "may" be the surprise.
Abby, I realize this might be OK for some people and it's just for fun, but I'd be uncomfortable if this happens. My boyfriend knows my feelings, but I don't know if we would risk being ridiculed if we left the party. What should I do if I find myself in this situation? -- HATE TO BE A PARTY-POOPER
DEAR "PARTY-POOPER": Contact the birthday guy's fiancee and ask if what you heard is true. If it is, spare yourself the embarrassment and have your boyfriend attend the party without you.
DEAR ABBY: When someone has a serious illness or major surgery, everyone thinks to bring food, which is lovely. But I have a better idea.
When my friend, who has a young family, was diagnosed with breast cancer, I offered to do her laundry. Her recovery was slow, and the chemo and radiation therapies endless. Three years later, we're nearing the end of a short and brave life, and I still do their laundry every week. It has been a help to her, and I have grown closer to her and her family. When she's gone, I will never again do a load of wash without thinking of her.
Perhaps your readers can help another family this way. -- THE LAUNDRY FAIRY, ROCHESTER, MINN.
DEAR LAUNDRY FAIRY: The support you have given to that family extends far beyond doing laundry. Your presence over the long haul has, I'm sure, meant much more. Read on for a view from the perspective of a caregiver:
DEAR ABBY: My wife has dementia. Our children don't live close by, so I'm her only caregiver. One afternoon a week I hire someone to stay with her so I can grocery shop, do banking and run necessary errands. Neighbors and friends over the years have offered the standard, "If I can do anything to help, let me know," but I'm not the type to call and ask, although it would be wonderful to have more hours to myself to do things in a leisurely manner rather than like running a marathon.
I know people are busy, but it would be great if some of those who offered help would call occasionally, tell me they have an afternoon or evening free (or even an hour or two) and give me a little breathing room.
I don't begrudge one moment of the time I have spent caring for my wife. She has, for 50 years, been a marvelous wife, a wonderful mother and the center of our family. Whatever I do for her can never repay the comfort, strength and joy she has brought into my life. But I cried (privately) on Christmas Day after the family had finished our gift exchange, because I had no time to go and buy her a gift.
Please advise your readers that if the offer of help they extend is real, to please check their schedules, find some time they are willing to give, call that friend, neighbor or relative and offer to sit with their loved one. That thoughtful gesture will be appreciated beyond what they could possibly ever imagine. -- A FRIEND OF YOURS
CO-ED CAN'T ESCAPE SHADOW OF LONGTIME HIGH SCHOOL RIVAL
DEAR ABBY: "Maya" and I competed throughout high school. We shared common interests -- even friends, who would blow me off to hang out with her.
We were involved in speech and debate and were nominated for the girls' state team. I was deemed "too qualified," so Maya got the nomination. She ran against me for speech president and I won by a huge margin. Then the coach decided she wanted us to be "co-presidents" and announced to everyone that the vote was tied. I was one-upped constantly.
Later, to my chagrin, I discovered we'd be going to the same college. I was told I'd probably never see her because of the large campus. Well, last semester she joined two activities I'm involved in. We rushed for a prestigious pre-law organization. She was accepted; I wasn't.
As it turns out, we both want to go to the same law school and become corporate attorneys.
Maya is pretty, popular and charming. I am plain and by no means popular. I can't stand to lose one more thing to her. After all these coincidences, we'll probably end up in the same law firm. What can I do to stop feeling so awful about myself as Maya continues to take away all the things I care about most? -- TIRED OF SECOND PLACE
DEAR TIRED: Your high school speech coach's obvious favoritism for Maya was terrible, and for that I am sorry. But you have allowed your feelings of being constantly one-upped to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Stop concentrating on Maya and start devoting all of your attention to yourself and your goals. While good looks and charm are powerful assets, so are being brilliant, self-assured and accomplished in one's field. Let the future take care of itself and you may be pleasantly surprised to find out that she's not in it. Or if she is, that she's no longer the focus of your obsession and you are both successful.
DEAR ABBY: My 18-year-old son, "Kyle," lives with his mother in a nearby town. I have always tried to be a good father, but despite countless phone calls, visits and vacations together we never really bonded.
Kyle is a smart, nice kid, but he has no hobbies, no friends, no girlfriends or interests that I have ever seen. He rarely leaves the house except for school. I haven't been able to get him to engage in a sport or activity with me or show any type of "normal" kid behavior.
He spent part of last summer with me, and when I asked him questions about his life and wanted to take him for a doctor's exam (he's never had one!), he begged his mom to come "rescue" him, which she did. She refuses to discuss this and says Kyle's just shy.
I feel I must do something, but what? Maybe if my ex reads this she'll listen to someone else. Abby, don't you see a possible problem here? -- DADDY IN THE DARK IN TEXAS
DEAR DADDY IN THE DARK: I certainly do. And had you intervened while your son was still a minor, there might have been some way to have had him medically and psychologically evaluated. But he's an adult now. And unless he is willing to admit there is a problem and seek help for it, there isn't a darn thing you can do at this late date. If there are other male family members Kyle trusts, you might try recruiting their assistance.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: May I respond to "Bound for College" (April 9), the high school senior who is distressed because she may have to go to a state university?
This is America, the land of opportunity, not the land of entitlement. A college education is a luxury, not a right. How fortunate she is to have parents who can send her to college. It is my hope that her father does get that job at the university. What an excellent benefit he will have to get reduced tuition for his offspring.
If, however, that is not good enough for her, it is her right to refuse that gift. Then she may go to the school of her choice and pay for it herself. With the cost of tuition today, that will be quite an undertaking. There are a number of options: student loans, grants, scholarships, a job or an enlistment in the military.
As you mentioned, Abby, in your response, education is what you make of it. My suggestion to "Bound for College" is, lose the attitude of entitlement, look at how blessed you are, rethink your priorities and make the most of your opportunities. -- MIKE M. IN BLOOMSBURG, PA.
DEAR MIKE: Thank you for your letter. Readers unanimously agreed that "Bound" needs to make the most of the opportunities that come her way and start thinking and acting like an adult. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I could have written the same letter years ago. The similarities are uncanny. I was accepted to my dream school, but due to my family's financial difficulties, I ended up attending my backup school, one of the largest public institutions in the country.
During the first semester, I was bitter and angry. Slowly but surely, I began to appreciate the benefits unique to a large state university. I enrolled in an honors academic program, which allowed me to receive a rigorous education from an amazing faculty. I became exposed to people from different cultures with differing perspectives. There were numerous student organizations and clubs. I found new hobbies and became active in causes that were important to me. Although I was worried about the school's party reputation, I quickly found other students who felt the same way I did.
"Bound," the college experience will be what you make of it. For me, it was instrumental in shaping my future. I took advantage of the many resources available on campus. It opened up avenues for me and, most important, helped me to discover myself. I will be starting graduate school as a financially independent adult, and I can finally do it on my own terms. -- SOPHIA K., ARLINGTON, TEXAS
DEAR ABBY: You can party at any school, and you can get an education at any school. To a large extent, you get out what you put in. Yes, there may be distractions on some campuses, but there will always be academically inclined students and opportunities if one looks for them. The "fit" of a school can't really be determined until one gets there. So "Bound" should go where it is affordable and keep an open mind. She may find opportunities she has not yet considered. -- L.C. IN CHARLESTON, ILL.
DEAR ABBY: Like "Bound," my parents promised I could go to any school I wanted. I applied to one school and got in, but my parents told me I'd have to take out a loan if I wanted to go there instead of a state school (something that was never mentioned). I took the news hard and resented that I was being forced to make my first adult decision and would have debt when I graduated.
I chose to stay in-state. The school was a party school, and I spent most of my freshman year angry that I was there. A year later, my anger was gone. Abby, please advise "Bound" that it's what you make of the college experience that counts. -- BEEN THERE IN RICHMOND, VA.