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by Abigail Van Buren

Man Fears Sock Drawer Mix Up Will Doom Him to Run in Circles

DEAR READERS: It's April 1, the day I get to share some of the occasional letters I receive from folks who are pulling my leg. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My wife of 23 years is threatening to divorce me on the grounds that I'm "unreasonable." Is it unreasonable for me to attempt to keep my socks oriented to the proper feet? When I put my socks on the wrong feet, I run around in circles and become disoriented. I know women don't have this problem because they wear pantyhose -- so it's impossible to put them on the wrong feet.

I sewed a bit of red yarn on the tops of my right socks so I could keep them straight. My wife says I'm crazy, but I insist, "Right on right; left on left."

So tell me, Abby -- must I run in stupid circles and endure moments of disorientation and embarrassment? Or should I forgo the red yarn and hang in there with my wife to preserve our marriage? -- DISTURBED KENTUCKY MAN

DEAR DISTURBED KENTUCKY MAN: And a happy April Fools' Day to you, too. The red yarn is preferable to the yarn you have spun for me. (It's also preferable to running in circles like a decapitated chicken.) And you're mistaken about women's pantyhose. Ask any woman who has put hers on backward.