TO MY IRISH READERS: A very happy St. Patrick's Day to you all. -- LOVE, ABBY
DAD'S OLD-FASHIONED ATTITUDES DERAIL DAUGHTER'S TRAVEL PLANS
DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old senior in high school. My boyfriend, "Kenny," is 18 and goes to college five hours away. I'd like to visit him over the weekend sometime, but I need my parents' permission. Mom is OK with it, as long as I take the train (she doesn't want me driving that distance alone) and I pay for it. Dad is old-fashioned. He dislikes the fact that Kenny and I would be unsupervised in his dorm for a whole weekend, even though Kenny has a roommate.
We've been together for a long time and have been unsupervised before, but Dad's still uneasy. He treats me like I'm younger than my age. I'm almost 18 and have traveled alone by plane. I'm respectful to my parents and feel I deserve Dad's trust.
Kenny and I love each other, but having a long-distance relationship is difficult since we hardly get to see each other. Dad likes and approves of Kenny, but thinks it's "unnecessary" for me to visit him since we call, Skype and text each other often. How can I get my father to see my point of view? -- GROWN-UP GIRL IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA
DEAR GROWN-UP GIRL: You probably can't -- but your mother may be able to, which is why you should enlist her help in talking to your father for you. However, if that doesn't work, the alternative would be for Kenny to travel to visit you when he's able to get away for a weekend.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Dan," and I have been married for a year, but we dated for six years. He has been pressuring me to get pregnant.
I'm not ready to be a mom. I work and go to school. Every time we talk about having a baby, Dan becomes irate and yells that he'll divorce me for being selfish. I can never get my point across when I talk to him. I considered getting pregnant so he will shut up and leave me alone. I am so unhappy. He always puts his needs before mine.
I realize that married couples make sacrifices, but Dan isn't willing to. We have issues to work on, but he has made it clear that he isn't going to change. It's his way or the highway.
I still love Dan and would hate to fail as a wife, but what can I do? I knew Dan could be controlling, but I thought things would be better after we were married. I just turned 26 and I'm learning more about life. I can see that this was never a healthy relationship. But I have invested seven years of my life with this man. Please help! -- STANDING AROUND IN NEWARK, N.J.
DEAR STANDING AROUND: Staying married to someone because you have invested seven years is a poor reason to stay married. Seven more years and a baby (or more) will not improve your husband's controlling nature. If you think "my way or the highway" seems difficult now, imagine yourself on the highway with a child or two in tow.
You have serious decisions to make about your future. I agree that the relationship you have described is not healthy. How much more time do you plan to invest? Unless your husband realizes he needs help, he won't change. Please talk to a licensed counselor. You need more help than anyone can offer in an advice column.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Men Lonely for Companionship Should Learn How to Please
DEAR ABBY: I am 67 and my roommate is 62. He and I could be out dating every night of the week. We get calls here like it is a fraternity house. I think it's because we know how to treat women.
I hear other men our age complain they can't get a date or find the "right" woman. They say they are lonely, always being "used," etc. I tell them: Get a life! Think of someone besides yourself.
My buddy and I think in terms of what would please the lady. Other guys think a romantic date is grabbing a bite at a fast-food restaurant, renting a violent movie, or flopping at the woman's house and falling asleep after she's made him a home-cooked meal. I say: Learn to dance, get some new clothes, ask a woman what her interests are. I did it, and I've learned to enjoy art shows, plays, visiting flea markets, etc.
A lady once told me, "You don't need a woman. You are a great cook, and you iron better than I do." My answer to her was, "Those are not the things I need a lady for."
So, Abby, my advice to lonely old men is this: Get your act together! As Auntie Mame said, "Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death." -- HAVING A PEACH OF A TIME IN GEORGIA
DEAR HAVING A PEACH: Thank you for your enlightened philosophy. My crystal ball tells me that neither you nor your buddy will ever be starving for food at the banquet of life -- or attention and affection, either.
DEAR ABBY: What do you do when your future in-laws tell other relatives that they intend to ruin your upcoming wedding? They are upset because they were not included in the wedding party. My future mother-in-law let it be known she's dressing up like a hooker!
I have family members who are police officers coming to the wedding. The only idea I can come up with to prevent it is to ask them to guard the door of the church, and if need be, escort these unruly people out before they can raise a ruckus.
As you might have gathered, my fiance's parents don't want me to marry their son. -- ON THE VERGE OF A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN
DEAR ON THE VERGE: Take a deep breath and talk to your fiance about eloping. Once your in-laws accept the fact that the knot has already been tied, you can host a lovely reception. When the time comes, give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they'll behave themselves. Use the police only as a last resort, but if it comes to that, cross your fingers and hope your mother-in-law solicits one of them.
DEAR ABBY: At a cocktail party last night, the hostess handed me a glass of wine. When I started to take a sip, I noticed the glass was filthy. My immediate reaction was, "Alcohol kills germs." But the thought of putting the glass to my mouth was distasteful, so I told her the wine was "too sweet for my taste." She then handed me another glass of wine, and that one was as dirty as the first! How should I have handled it? -- NOT CRYSTAL CLEAR IN WISCONSIN
DEAR NOT CRYSTAL CLEAR: The first time it happened, you should have said, "Oops! This glass didn't make it through the dishwasher" and returned it to your hostess. When it happened again, you should have said, "... this one, too." Then you should have asked for something you could drink from the original container. Sensible person that you are, I'm sure you didn't partake of the hors d'oeuvres, and won't be partying there again. Right?
DEAR ABBY: You advised "Jealous of the Four-Legged Mistress" (Jan. 31) that her husband, "Monty," needs to "put her in a higher rank in the pack," because he pays more attention to "Ginger," the dog, than he does his wife.
My heart ached for Ginger. She's clinging to the one parent she has left and trying to make sure she doesn't lose him, too. Ginger and the other dog are suffering from separation anxiety. If dogs don't have a routine, they have a hard time learning to trust.
If "Jealous" wants to make friends with the dogs, she should take them for a daily 30-minute walk. She may have to walk them separately at first, but once they get used to it, she can walk them together. In addition, she should start feeding them. After a few weeks of this routine, I guarantee Ginger will start paying attention to her new mistress, and after a while, "Jealous" will find herself a permanent object of Ginger's affection.
If some chew toys and closed doors don't improve Monty's attention to his wife's physical needs, then it's time to see a marriage counselor. -- MAMA OF A RESCUED DOG
DEAR MAMA: Like you, many readers were unwilling to let sleeping dogs lie. They made no bones about offering helpful suggestions. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Many of the behaviors "Jealous" described -- following her husband around and being first to greet him at the door -- are perfectly normal. People keep pets for their devotion and affection, and Ginger is an example of what dogs do that produce rewards for them.
I think the real issue is that the wife is concerned her husband is more affectionate toward Ginger. She shouldn't blame the dog for doing what comes naturally. -- ERICA IN SACRAMENTO, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: Losing his first wife was traumatic not only for Monty, but also for the two dogs. Perhaps Ginger is more bereft over the loss if she was close to his deceased wife. Animals experience loss, too. Instead of feeling threatened, "Jealous" should talk to a professional who can help her learn to gain Ginger's trust, loyalty and affection instead of competing with her. It's possible "Jealous'" physical needs are being neglected because of her attitude. -- JAMIE IN RENO, NEV.
DEAR ABBY: Because dogs "love the one they're with," "Jealous" should spend quality time with Ginger. Take her for walks, give her treats and win her over with kindness. As a boarding kennel operator, I deal with clingy dogs all the time. It's my job to make them feel at home and develop a bond with them. Consequently, the pets I take care of love me as much as they do their owners.
"Jealous" sounds very insecure. She needs to learn a little about canines to understand that Ginger's behavior is acceptable. -- DOG LADY IN MICHIGAN
DEAR ABBY: I, too, had to race to the door to be the first to get my ex-husband's attention. I never won. That vindictive mutt wet only on my side of the bed. It grabbed the pot roast from the counter and hid under the bed, and when I reached under to take it back, it bit me! When I screamed in pain, the one who was supposed to love me best yelled, "Don't hurt the dog!"
I am now happily married to an angel of a man who puts me first. No woman needs to take second place to a dog. -- MOTHER OF EIGHT IN UTAH