Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
Promise of Secrecy Is Sacred to Cooks Who Relish Mystery
DEAR ABBY: I'm responding to the letter from "Craving the Cakes in Florida" (Jan. 30), complaining that her sister-in-law wouldn't reveal the secret ingredient in a late relative's pancake recipe. As a cook who has many of my own kitchen secrets, I'd be upset if one of my family members were to reveal them to anyone I didn't authorize. A promise is a promise, and it should never be broken!
Believe it or not, recipes are intellectual property. How presumptuous for "Craving" to expect her in-law to divulge a secret from the family's tradition. She should enjoy the meal when she's at her sister-in-law's, and work on developing her own mystery dish. -- STAYING MUM IN CHARLESTON, S.C.
DEAR STAYING MUM: Many readers agreed with you about the importance of keeping a promise. Some of them also were sure they knew the secret ingredient that made the cakes so memorable: buttermilk, ricotta cheese, nutmeg, vanilla extract, Irish Cream, Kahlua, lemon juice, oatmeal, yogurt, cinnamon, malted milk, cornmeal, sour cream and cardamom. (This is making me hungry!) Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I obtained a recipe upon the death of an aunt who wouldn't share it until she passed away. I did not think she was selfish. I fondly remember her serving these cookies the few times a year we saw her.
I bake them for special occasions -- holidays, birthdays, graduations, etc. -- and mail them to family and friends out of state. The treats are special and everyone looks forward to receiving them. If everyone had the recipe, it would lose its distinction.
When I am no longer able to bake them, I will happily pass the recipe on to a relative to continue the tradition. -- BETH IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR ABBY: I was taught a promise is sacred. Do you really think the in-law should sacrifice her honor over a pancake recipe? They may be delicious, but breaking my word would leave a bitter taste in my mouth. -- PROMISE KEEPER IN VIRGINIA
DEAR ABBY: A friend gave me a cinnamon bun recipe that had been in his family for as long as anyone could remember. About 15 years ago, his house caught fire and he lost most of his possessions, including that recipe. His siblings had misplaced it and the only person to have it was me.
Sometimes it's good to share something, if only with one other person. That way, treasures aren't lost forever. -- LISA IN RENO
DEAR ABBY: Because the relative had shared the recipe with "Craving's" sister-in-law, technically it was no longer a secret. If it was to be kept a secret, then shouldn't the relative have told no one? I feel the in-law is free to share the secret with a clear conscience. I'd like to know what it is, too! -- FOODIE IN TENNESSEE
DEAR ABBY: I think I know the ingredient in the hot cakes recipe. My daughter was co-owner of a small restaurant. Everyone begged for the secret of the waffles there. It was bacon grease in the batter. Not healthy -- but delicious. -- MARGARET IN WHITTIER, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: I have been cooking for about 50 years. You can bet your boots the mystery ingredient is beer. That's how my daddy made them. Use it instead of water for really light pancakes. -- PATRICIA IN TEXAS
DEAR ABBY: I'll bet the secret is the same as my family's: substitute half the regular boxed pancake mixture for ordinary white cake mix. Breakfast on our camping trips is always terrific with these fluffy treats. -- PANCAKE PAL IN LONG BEACH
DEAR ABBY: I grew up in a family-owned restaurant. Grandma used club soda instead of water in the pancake batter. The results? Perfection. -- LAURENE IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR ABBY: "Craving" should take a pancake to a retired home economics teacher. They can often discern the most mysterious of ingredients. -- SHARON IN NEBRASKA
NEIGHBOR IS TAKEN ABACK BY BLOCK PARTY PROPOSITION
DEAR ABBY: I am a 50-year-old gay man. On New Year's Eve, there was a block party on the street I live on. My neighbors, "Tim" and "Marie," are a good-looking 30-ish couple.
I was watching the fireworks when Marie sat down next to me and said, "Tim and I would like to get to know you better. How about we drop by for drinks some night after we put the kids to bed?" She said this while stroking my upper thigh with her hand.
I find the idea of being intimate with her husband appealing, but I have never "been with" a woman and I don't think I want to be. It seems to me the most prudent approach would be to pass on this opportunity, but how do I do it without offending or causing embarrassment for one of my neighbors? -- CAUGHT IN THE FIREWORKS, HOUSTON
DEAR CAUGHT: Does this neighbor know your sexual orientation? If the answer is no, just thank her and tell her you're not into threesomes. Because it has taken you so long to give her an answer, she probably won't be surprised that a liaison is not your cup of tea. However, if she does know, tell her with a wink: "Thanks for the offer -- I'm not into threesomes. But you can send Tim over anytime."
DEAR ABBY: After 30 years of marriage, my husband is more interested in watching politics on TV than interacting with me. We are, by mutual consent, no longer intimate -- but he totally ignores me. He will talk to anyone who looks his way, but he doesn't talk to me.
His idea of doing something together is driving around the countryside for four hours looking at the scenery. He'll lie on the couch and watch TV or read while I'm a few feet away and not say more than a dozen words to me all day.
I can't do this much longer. What do you suggest? -- NEGLECTED WIFE IN GREENVILLE, S.C.
DEAR NEGLECTED WIFE: Perhaps you should spend less time with your husband. Couples who spend a lot of time together can find conversation difficult because they have nothing fresh to bring to it.
Do some things with female friends so you won't feel so shut in and isolated. This way you will have more experiences you can discuss. Also schedule some diversions you can enjoy together that don't involve conversation. How about a movie or a play, or a volunteer activity you can both be involved in? If this doesn't help, then consider counseling.
DEAR ABBY: I don't understand why people need others to take sides in an argument. If someone is upset and wants to cut someone out of his/her life, why does that person expect family and friends to do the same -- even if the disagreement had nothing to do with them? Some of them lie to force the issue. I just don't understand -- especially because we're talking about adults. -- PUZZLED IN COON RAPIDS, MINN.
DEAR PUZZLED: They do it to punish (and isolate) the person they're mad at. However, if you make plain to the manipulator -- because that's what the person is -- that you will not be dragged into the middle of something that's not your business, you'll be better off.
P.S. What makes you think that all adults act like adults? Surely I'm not the only person who has seen a grown-up behave like a 5-year-old.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Rough Play Causes Painful Injury to Loving Family Pet
DEAR ABBY: My 9-year-old son's friend "Isaac" was over for a visit. He was captivated by our Labrador retriever, "Layla," who is very loving. Isaac doesn't have a dog, so he wanted to play with Layla. At one point, I overheard him say to my son, "Look, I'm riding your dog!" I immediately intervened, but I was too late.
A day or so later, Layla was unable to descend our stairway and was clearly in pain. She has been on pain medication for three weeks and is growing progressively worse. The next step is to get X-rays and/or an MRI to see if she has a spinal injury, and then determine her treatment. It's possible the damage is irreversible.
My wife and I are extremely upset about this, but we're afraid to tell our son or Isaac and his parents for fear it will place undue guilt on a 9-year-old boy. On the flip side, I wouldn't want him to do this to anyone else's beloved pet. How do you recommend we proceed? -- HEARTBROKEN IN NEW YORK
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Children are not mind-readers. If you don't tell them when they make a mistake, they won't realize they have made one. Contact Isaac's parents and explain what happened. If your dog needs treatment, they should be responsible for whatever damage their son did.
DEAR ABBY: The other day I was with a friend who is a bit overweight. We were trying on clothes in one of the stores. She grabbed a shirt she was sure she could fit into, but when she tried it on, it ripped. She had to pay for it.
On the ride home my friend asked me, "Am I fat?" I was at a loss, so I told her no. What should I have done? I feel horrible for lying, but I didn't know what else to do. -- LOST FOR WORDS
DEAR LOST FOR WORDS: You could have replied, "What size was the shirt?" And when she answered, you should have said, "I guess you're a size or two larger." It would have been more tactful than saying she was fat, and gotten the point across.
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I recently attended the funeral of a friend's father. During the sermon I noticed tears in our friend's eyes and offered her my handkerchief. On the way home, this sparked a conversation about the obligation of a person who receives a handkerchief. Should it be returned after the event, or should it first be laundered? Or is it considered a gift, not to be returned at all?
Later that evening at a movie, I noticed a woman hand someone her handkerchief saying, "It's monogrammed. It was my mother's." No mention was made of a request that it be returned. I'm sure most people wouldn't mind letting go of a standard handkerchief, but one with sentimental value would be different, wouldn't it? What do you suggest? -- REAL MEN CARRY HANDKERCHIEFS
DEAR REAL MAN: You were chivalrous to offer your handkerchief to the grieving daughter. Had it merely been used to dab away a tear, it could have been returned to you at the end of the service. If, however, there was makeup on it -- or the dab was followed by a swipe of her nose -- the woman should have held onto it, laundered it and returned it to you in the presumably pristine condition it was in when you gave it to her.
As to the monogrammed (heirloom) hanky you saw lent in the theater, when the woman explained its significance to her friend, that was the tip-off that she expected it to be returned.