THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world." -- Anne Frank
Colleagues Suspect Forgetful Co Worker Is Battling Dementia
DEAR ABBY: Everyone knows the economy has hit hard times and, as a result, more people are working past the age of retirement. This means some in the workplace are beginning to deal with Alzheimer's and other dementia-related illnesses.
"Anita" is in her late 60s and we are certain she is showing symptoms of dementia. She has worked in our office about three years, after working in this field for more than 30 years elsewhere. But if you saw her in our office today, you would think it was her first week -- if not her first day.
Anita makes multiple mistakes every day, then sits at her desk and cries her eyes out. Our supervisor insists there is nothing he or HR can do in regards to talking (gently) to her because she could sue the company.
I'm sorry Anita is suffering, but must we let her deteriorate for three more years in our office? That's how long she is planning on staying, even though she's eligible for retirement. Her family lives elsewhere in the state and may not realize she is ill. Were she my mother, I would want someone to do something. What's the right thing to do for everyone involved? -- STUMPED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR STUMPED: I discussed your question with Nancy Bertrando, a respected California employment law specialist, who told me: "If a person is unable to perform the essential functions of her job -- regardless of the reason -- an employer does not have the obligation to keep the person in that position. However, regardless of whether your supervisor or HR thinks it is futile, Anita should be counseled and given the opportunity to fix the problem -- if, indeed, it is fixable."
DEAR ABBY: My husband runs an auto body shop and has always warned me to be extra careful in parking lots -- "People don't pay attention. They drive too fast. Everyone's always in a hurry," etc. Well, tomorrow I am going to the memorial service for a dear friend, "Mara." She was only 46.
While Mara was putting her granddaughter into a stroller, they were hit. A woman driving too fast hit a car backing out of a parking space, careened off that car and ran over Mara. Mara was pinned underneath the car until the fire department arrived and lifted it off her. Mara's daughter saw it all. The 3-year-old is still in the hospital, but will survive.
I realize my friend died over a parking spot. I hope people reading this will see that we all need to slow down and pay attention. A car can be as lethal as a gun. I didn't "get it" before, but now I do. Because of the reckless actions of a complete stranger, you can kiss your husband goodbye, go shopping and never return! I hope this nightmare can help others. -- MISSING THE SISTER OF MY HEART
DEAR MISSING: Please know how sorry I am about the tragic death of your friend. I cannot stress enough how important it is to remain fully present while behind the wheel of a vehicle. Our streets and highways are filled with distractions, as are our cars -- billboards, cell phones, stereo buttons, the GPS, etc. I am sure the woman who struck Mara and her grandchild will never get over the fact that she took one life and could have taken another.
Readers, I hope you will review this woman's letter and remember it the next time you're "in a hurry." It could save a life.
Double Wedding and Showers Pose Double Trouble for Guest
DEAR ABBY: What's your opinion of having a double wedding and a double shower for two girls within the same family? Would it be appropriate to split the monetary gift since it combines the events? Please do not identify me because I have already expressed my dismay to another family member and was told that I'm the only person who thinks it is inappropriate. I need to know if it is socially acceptable. -- ANONYMOUS IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR ANONYMOUS: My mother and her identical twin sister married in a double wedding. Because they did practically everything together, I wouldn't be surprised if they also had a double shower -- although I never thought to ask her about it.
Please remember that wedding and shower gifts are just that -- gifts. You are not compelled to spend more than you can afford, but there should be a separate one for each event that you attend.
DEAR ABBY: I work with another woman who always comes to the office in professional attire. She is lovely. My only problem with her clothing is that it's so devoid of color that it makes her appear incredibly drab and depressed. She wears all beige, all black or all white, which does nothing to enhance her beauty.
She is a quiet person, so I understand her not wearing flashy reds or loud colors, but a little bit would bring out her inner vitality.
Would it be presumptuous of me to suggest she might add some color to her wardrobe, or should I just leave it alone? Should I buy her a scarf to brighten up all those muted ensembles? -- SUFFERING IN BEIGE-LAND
DEAR "SUFFERING": If I were you I would tread carefully in this area. Your lovely co-worker may wear monochromatic outfits because she does not wish to draw attention to her beauty and inner vitality. If you are close to her, you might buy her a scarf and say you picked it up because you thought it would look wonderful with her beige suit. However, if she doesn't wear it, don't take offense and don't push the issue. Not everyone has the same taste in fashion.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 46-year-old woman who has always believed in the adage "A smile is the only language that everyone can understand." Sometimes I will offer a quick, casual smile to people I encounter in a grocery store or other public place.
Last week, a woman frowned at me when I smiled at her. Another woman passed me with a puzzled look on her face. A young man's inflated ego allowed him to respond with a "No thanks!" after I offered him a smile. It's a shame that in today's world some people have become so ill-mannered that they cannot return a smile and accept it for what it is -- a friendly gesture. -- HAVE A NICE DAY IN BARGERSVILLE, IND.
DEAR H.A.N.D.: My mother used to say that the most effective cosmetic a woman can wear is a smile. In stressful times we don't see enough of them. The individuals you encountered must have been having a bad day. Allow me to share a wonderful thought penned by a gentleman named Robert L. Bass: "Warmth is a communicable disease. If you haven't got it, no one will be able to catch it from you." Please don't stop smiling.
TO MY ASIAN FRIENDS: Today marks the first day of the Lunar New Year. It's the Year of the Rabbit -- so let's hop to it! -- Love, ABBY
RELUCTANT WIFE COMES CLEAN ABOUT SHOWERING WITH HUSBAND
DEAR ABBY: My husband has been talking about many married couples who take showers together. In fact, he claims that most couples do. Our relationship in the bedroom has been great so far, and I'd like to keep it there. I don't want a twosome in the bathroom. Am I wrong to enjoy my privacy in the shower? -- SQUEAKY CLEAN IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR SQUEAKY CLEAN: Many married couples take showers together, and many don't. Among those who do, some find it arousing; others just enjoy the intimacy and having someone to scrub their backs.
If you feel your time in the shower is sacred alone time, you're entitled to your feelings. If an encounter isn't pleasurable for both parties involved, then it's usually not particularly satisfying for either one.
DEAR ABBY: My younger sister, "Janet," and I are very close. We live near each other and have many of the same friends. My problem is, Janet likes to share stories about our childhood, and our childhood was horrible. We were poor and homeless more than once. Both our parents were on drugs, and our father was abusive to our mother.
I have tried telling my sister that when she shares these stories, I not only find it humiliating, but also find myself reliving the awful experiences. Her response is to remind me that we're not those kids anymore. She doesn't think it's anything to be ashamed of. Is she wrong to tell these horror stories that involve both of us, or do I need to stop trying to forget? -- NOT LOOKING IN THE REARVIEW MIRROR
DEAR NOT LOOKING: Your sister is correct that your childhood is nothing you should be ashamed of. Both of you have managed to thrive in spite of the chaotic environment in which you were raised. However, for her to persist in raising a subject that you have told her is painful is insensitive -- particularly if she's doing it in your presence. You may have a shared history, but you clearly have different coping mechanisms, and she should respect yours.
DEAR ABBY: When my daughter was 14 months old, she had a serious accident while under my parents' supervision. They were not negligent. What happened could have occurred if I had been there. I rushed to the hospital, where we stayed for five days and, thankfully, my daughter recovered.
I was shocked and hurt that my mother never once apologized. When I brought it up, she said it's obvious she feels terribly guilty, that I know how devoted she is to my daughter and, therefore, an apology is ridiculous.
I know it wasn't her "fault," but I still feel the right thing to do in that situation would have been for her to say, "I'm sorry this happened. I wish I had been more observant." Is this superfluous? Are my feelings reasonable? -- EXPATRIATE NEW YORKER IN SAXONY, GERMANY
DEAR EXPAT: How old is your daughter now? How long have you hung onto your anger at your mother over this incident? You said there was no negligence on the part of your parents, and the accident could have occurred while your daughter was under your supervision. Do you know that your mother loves your daughter and feels terrible about what happened? If so, let it go, already!
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)