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Obesity Is Serious Health Issue Best Approached With Tact
DEAR ABBY: Allow me to respond to the column about obesity in the United States (Dec. 27). Why has obesity in the U.S. become the "elephant in the room," off-limits to discuss? Obesity is a serious health problem and should be talked about. Obese people need to understand the potential dangers of their condition, just as smokers do.
I was berated by my family, friends and the media for being a smoker. Did I disown them all? No, I sucked it up and quit. Overweight people should take control of their lives, and people like you, Abby, should stop coddling them! -- PETER IN BEND, ORE.
DEAR PETER: Ouch! Many readers also felt I should eat my words -- including health care professionals. Read on for more insights:
DEAR ABBY: As a public health nutritionist, I would like to bring another perspective to "Brother Black Sheep," whose sister banned him from family events because he mentioned the obesity epidemic. Because obesity has far-reaching implications for our children, our future and our economy, it is well worth talking about.
Declaring the topic off-limits won't make it go away. Researchers at Stanford University have found that more than 40 percent of parents of obese children described them as "about the right weight." Another study showed that only 30 percent of pediatricians addressed weight issues with their patients. Those who did were more likely to see positive changes in their patients' nutrition and activity habits.
Tact is, of course, important, and it appears "Brother" could use some help in that department. Acknowledging the difficulty of maintaining a healthy weight when we are surrounded by hyper-palatable foods and live in an environment that discourages activity is a good conversation starter. Using the phrase "high BMI" (Body Mass Index) is better received than the word "fat." Hopefully, families can learn to talk productively about how to support each other to eat right and stay active instead of banning the subject. -- ANITA COURTNEY, M.S., R.D.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a fourth-year medical student, and you wouldn't believe the number of patients we see who don't believe they have a weight problem, or who think they're "slightly overweight" when they're actually morbidly obese. A main reason for weight gain is that most Americans have no concept of portion control and healthy eating habits.
Many people would prefer a magic pill instead of attempting difficult behavioral changes. While weight is obviously a sensitive topic for many individuals, and "Brother" was mistaken in assuming it would be acceptable dinnertime conversation, ignoring the topic is what got us into this epidemic in the first place.
I challenge "Brother" to introduce his relatives to the sensible habits he learned abroad -- walking, healthier meals with smaller portions, and less fried, salted, sugary processed foods. Supportive family members are often far more effective than a doctor's lecture on the perils of obesity, and I wish him luck in his endeavors. -- MED STUDENT WITH NO MAGIC PILL
DEAR READERS: If, after reading this, any of you are interested in a tried-and-true program for weight loss, Overeaters Anonymous is a 12-step self-help group that started in 1960. It has been mentioned in this column many times. Its website is �HYPERLINK www.oa.org ��www.oa.org�; the phone number is (505) 891-2664. There are more than 9,000 O.A. groups in the U.S. and internationally.
COUPLE ELATED TO DISCOVER THEIR LOVE IS STILL TRUE
DEAR ABBY: After 33 years, I recently reconnected with my first girlfriend. We are both 49. I have been married twice, and she is ending a long relationship.
We have been talking and e-mailing, and she came to visit for a few days -- no sex, just laughing and reminiscing about how we've grown since we were 16. It seems we have spent years looking for each other in different people. But now we want to be together for the rest of our lives. This may sound ridiculous, but we both know it's true. Abby, is there such a thing as true love? -- NEW JERSEY LOVER
DEAR NEW JERSEY LOVER: Yes, there is. And it appears that after years of traveling down separate paths, you and your lady have finally found it. It's not "ridiculous," and it has happened to many other couples.
DEAR ABBY: Five years ago, my daughter's mother left me. She has moved on and remarried a year ago. I haven't had a date in four years. I fell into a depression that is now affecting my relationship with my daughter. It's hard to spend time with her without feeling low.
I lost my job, my driver's license, my self-worth. I know I need to talk to a doctor, but lack of money puts me in a tough spot. As for family members, they are busy with their own problems. Please help. -- DISCOURAGED DAD IN INDIANA
DEAR DISCOURAGED: If you can't afford to see a doctor, then seek help from your county mental health agency or from a clergyperson. Many of them are trained to counsel those with personal problems -- and if you need more help than your spiritual adviser can offer, there may be someone in the congregation who can provide what you need.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have different opinions about TV watching when we have guests. I was always taught that unless guests were specifically invited to watch something on TV, it is impolite to have it on. Having the TV on in the background is a distraction to the visit. What do you think? -- TURNED OFF IN SALINAS, CALIF.
DEAR TURNED OFF: It's rude to turn a television set on in the presence of guests because it sends the message that their company is boring. If a set is on when guests arrive and the host switches it off, it conveys that the guest's company is more important than anything that's being aired. And that's an unspoken compliment that also sends a message.
DEAR READERS: It's Valentine's Day, a day guaranteed to bring joy to lovers and often a mild depression to singles who are not romantically involved. If this could be you, try this home remedy to raise your spirits:
Be a sweetheart and clean out your closets. Take any items you no longer wear (or can't fit into) and donate them so someone else can enjoy them. Call your friends and say "I love you." Bring flowers to someone in a nursing home. Offer to run an errand for someone who doesn't drive.
Donate blood; pay someone a compliment; listen to your teenager; pray for your friends; or invite a lonely acquaintance -- male or female -- to join you for lunch. Obey the traffic laws. Do something nice for someone anonymously. And, before the day is over, resolve to be a "sweetheart" more often than just today.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
BOY SEEN ABUSING CAT IS IN DESPERATE NEED OF HELP
DEAR ABBY: A friend told me something recently that was so disturbing I'm having trouble sleeping.
"Marie" was at a mini-mall when a man parked his car next to hers and walked into one of the stores, leaving a boy about 8 years old in the back seat with a cat. Marie saw the boy abuse and torture the animal. She said she could hear the cat howling through the closed vehicle. When the man returned to the car, my friend approached him and told him what she'd seen.
Abby, the man did not say one word. He climbed into his car and drove off. I haven't been able to get the image out of my head. That child learned his behavior somewhere, and his father condones it! If Marie hadn't been so shocked, she would have scribbled down the man's license number and reported the incident to the police or the SPCA. -- HORRIFIED IN WISCONSIN
DEAR HORRIFIED: What your friend witnessed was a child in dire need of emotional help, and a parent with his head in the sand. Emotionally healthy children do not abuse animals. For the father to have ignored what your friend told him is very sad. Of most concern to me is the fact that children who abuse animals become increasingly aggressive, and sometimes go on to abuse other children. I hope the father reads my column and recognizes the fact that this son desperately needs counseling now!
DEAR ABBY: I just turned 28. I have a full-time job and am also pursuing a career as an actress, which takes up a lot of my spare time. I have good friends and I'm a people person. I'm attractive, have a good personality and consider myself to be intelligent.
I'm pretty good at putting myself out there. I talk to guys I see in the grocery store, in my office building, anywhere I can. I try to smile at everyone when I'm out and about. I ask friends to set me up, but haven't met any nice single men who are interested in dating. Almost all my close friends are married or in long-term relationships. At parties it's usually a bunch of couples and me. I feel like the token single friend.
I have a busy life, and the theater hasn't exactly been a great place to meet straight guys, but where is a good place? I have tried speed dating, online dating, bar-hopping and singles events to no avail. Why can't I find a nice guy who's ready for a real relationship? I'm starting to lose hope. -- LOOKING FOR LOVE IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR LOOKING: Please don't lose hope. But let's review the venues in which you have been searching. I'm struck by the fact that all of those you mentioned require you to make a "quick sale."
With speed dating you establish that you're both available and there's a superficial attraction, but not much else. Bars are the worst places I can think of to look for a serious relationship. No one's at their best after downing a couple of shots, and the noise level isn't conducive to meaningful conversation. The Internet has been known to bring results, but many people -- of both sexes -- are wary because so many users fudge the facts on dating sites.
Singles events are better, but you might have more luck meeting men if you go places that nice people go, where there's less pressure. How about volunteering some time in your community -- the library, a hospital, the police department, a shelter? I recommend places like these because they offer the chance to form relationships with more depth. Even if you don't find Mr. Right, you may meet someone who can introduce you to someone eligible.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)