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DEAR ABBY: I had to respond to the letter from "Discordant Family" (Sept. 1). I agree with you that the children should not be forced to play piano. However, let me offer an alternative. Many young pianists quit because practicing is such a solitary chore. I'd recommend finding the kids a community music program they would enjoy.
Perhaps their friends are involved with a chamber or duet group, or a music camp. Set the completion of the group project as a goal and allow them to move on (if they still want to) once they've reached that goal rather than quit on the spot.
I, too, wanted to quit piano lessons at 13, but my mother insisted I persist until age 16. Then I joined my high school's theater program as its pianist. Being part of community music-making is standard for most musicians, but it's rare for young pianists. There is an added social element. They develop other skills, and the emphasis on practice and perfection is greatly reduced when the focus shifts to working well in a group.
Since "Discordant" is so set on music for her kids, I hope she'll consider this option, but also identify the aspects of piano playing her kids dislike and attempt to reduce or remove them. Switching from classical to pop music or starting a band with their friends are other possibilities.
I'm 26 now and have made a career as a collaborative pianist for musical theater, operas, choirs and soloist accompaniment. It's given me an opportunity to travel, meet Broadway actors, play in rock bands, learn language skills -- and more! -- HAPPY PIANIST IN AUSTIN
DEAR PIANIST: Thank you for your helpful suggestions. Forcing children to do something they hate seems, to me, counterproductive when there are so many constructive, creative things they could be doing. My newspaper readers comment:
DEAR ABBY: Each child is unique and needs individual consideration. Because the l3-year-old wants to stop playing the piano is no reason for the 11- and 5-year-old to quit, too. How about talking it over with the piano teacher? Maybe it's time for a new approach. The teen could learn to play jazz piano or perhaps switch to a different instrument, such as the guitar. Making music part of life is a joy when it is approached in the right spirit. -- PIANO TEACHER WHO HAS SEEN AND HEARD IT ALL
DEAR ABBY: I took lessons from three teachers before I found one who inspired me and gave me music I wanted to play. My son and daughter also took lessons from him. I played piano professionally in the '60s and '70s, and my son has followed in that path. I believe it is all in finding the right teacher. What a difference it makes. -- JANET IN ST. LOUIS
DEAR ABBY: "Discordant" said she has never met anyone who was glad about having stopped piano lessons. Well, one of the happiest days of my life was when I quit. I read music and hit the keys in order, but I have no sense of timing. Practice did not make perfect, and I was prevented from applying myself to areas for which I was better suited. -- FREED FROM THE TORTURE
DEAR ABBY: The problem that mom is having is in giving her kids wiggle room. Middle-school-aged children should not be allowed to make a decision about something so important based on how they "feel." I sweetened the offer for my daughter by allowing her to practice in lieu of doing some household chores. It worked like a charm. Now, at 21, she loves music, plays when she can and intends to return to it after college. -- STAND FIRM! IN MONTANA
DEAR ABBY: I was forced to take piano lessons. At age 13, I begged to quit. My parents made a compromise. Lessons only during the school year, summers off. After a poor start, I began to enjoy the lessons, ended up studying piano for 18 years and turned pro. -- PEGGY IN LAS VEGAS
Life of Toil and Thrift Is Teen's Tough Row to Hoe
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 15-year-old girl who has never been in trouble, but my mom treats me like I'm a criminal. She makes me go to church every Sunday. She makes me go to Catholic school, and I have to wear an ugly uniform. She won't help with my homework. She says, "I already did 10th grade." I can't wear halter tops, short shorts, a bikini or much makeup. If I tell her it's the style, she says, "Modesty is always in style."
When I go out with my friends, she wants to know where I'm going, who I'll be with, what we'll be doing, when we'll be back and their phone numbers. If I have a date with a new boy, she makes him come into the house and tell her what school he goes to. Then she makes him show her his driver's license and car registration.
I can't keep my computer in my room. When I'm using it in the den, she looks over my shoulder and won't let me go to chat rooms. I have to set the table even if we don't have company and sit down and have dinner with her every night.
If I can't afford something, she tells me to save up or budget better. She won't let me drive until I can pay for my own insurance. It's not like my mom's poor. We go to Hawaii and Lake Tahoe, and we've been to Europe and on cruises. But she won't even pay for cable TV. She says it's an idiot box and I should read a book instead.
She also makes me do my own laundry and keep my room and bathroom clean. She makes me do unfair chores like clean the guest bathroom even though I never ever use it. She wants to teach me to sew and cook, but I have no interest in those things.
She makes me visit Dad every week, and if I complain about anything, she says (very calmly and quietly, which I hate more than if she'd yell), "You can always choose to live with your dad."
She told me as long as I live under her roof, I have to abide by her rules even if I'm over 18. And I have to go to college, and if I don't, I'll have to get a job and support myself.
I could go on and on. Have you ever heard of a mother so unreasonable? I'm afraid to run away, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. -- EMOTIONALLY ABUSED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR EMOTIONALLY ABUSED: Wow! Your letter should be posted on every refrigerator in the country. Rarely do I hear about a parent who tries as hard as your mother does to do a diligent job. One day you will look back and thank her.
PS. And if by chance this letter was written by your mother -- congratulations for a job well-done. I would like to nominate you for Mother of the Year.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to know who gives singers the right to change the melody of "The Star-Spangled Banner" and "America the Beautiful"? Some of them who are featured on national TV don't even get the lyrics right. Many of us would love to hear our national anthem without the additional flourishes. Isn't anything sacred anymore? These so-called singers can add their individual squealing to their own songs, but I wish they would leave Francis Scott Key's version in its original format. Am I alone on this issue? -- NOT TONE-DEAF IN WASHINGTON STATE
DEAR NOT TONE-DEAF: You're far from alone in feeling as you do. Our national anthem is notoriously difficult to sing, and the lyrics difficult to remember. However, performers are, to a greater or lesser extent, artists. And some artists can't resist the temptation to add their personal interpretation to the classic, which has proved embarrassing for the singer and the listeners. It proves the truth of the old saying, "Sometimes less is more."
Tippling Cousin's Home Is No Place for a Vacation
DEAR ABBY: When my family and I visit relatives out of state, we usually spend half the week with one of my cousins and the rest with another. One cousin, "Deborah," has a drinking problem.
Not only is it painful to watch her drink, but I noticed that her husband will hardly look at her or speak to her because he is so angry. They have a young son.
Perhaps this is selfish, but I don't intend to have our vacations subjected to that kind of stress. I love Deborah and don't want to hurt her feelings, but I can't stay there and expose my family to her drinking. My husband and kids understand that she has a problem and support me in not wanting to spend several days at her house.
Is there a way to tell her this gently? I believe my other cousin would be happy to have us for the entire week. I don't intend to stay away from Deborah completely; she's always been one of my best friends. What can I do? -- STANDING FIRM IN GREEN BAY
DEAR STANDING FIRM: Make other arrangements for lodging this year. And after they are made, have a talk with Deborah's husband and tell him why. Because you are so close to your cousin and you will be there, and because her husband's anger is obvious, it might be an opportune time for an intervention.
Of course, this should be done with the help of a professional who can help Deborah get the treatment she so obviously needs. Her husband should seek guidance from the people at Al-Anon or Alcoholics Anonymous. This will have to be done delicately, and they will know what to do. The websites are www.al-anonfamilygroups.org and www.aa.org
DEAR ABBY: I have seen many letters in your column from men who are conflicted about being attracted to a person other than their spouse.
I handle it by calling it "art appreciation." In a museum you can't touch the art but only admire it from a distance. I, too, enjoy the "view" without getting too close. It has served me well because it allows me to fantasize without getting into trouble. -- "MUSEUM-GOER" IN CAMPBELL, CALIF.
DEAR "MUSEUM-GOER": While this technique may work for you, I wouldn't recommend it to everyone because many wives pick up on those "art appreciation" vibes and feel disrespected or threatened when their husbands stare at other women. I remember that this subject has been raised at least once in the Bible. If King David hadn't spent so much time enjoying the view from his rooftop, Bathsheba's husband would have died a natural death.
DEAR ABBY: What do you say if someone who is overweight says she's fat or asks you if she's fat? It's always such an awkward situation, and I usually end up saying, "Of course you're not fat!" I'd like to know if there's a better way of handling this. You always know what to say. -- TONGUE-TIED IN FLORIDA
DEAR TONGUE-TIED: If someone who was obese stated that she (or he) was fat, I would either let the comment hang there in silence or I'd say, "What do you intend to do about it?" And if someone with a weight problem asked me if he or she was fat, instead of denying the obvious, I would respond, "What I think isn't nearly as important as what you think about that."