DEAR READERS: Today we remember the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., who in 1968 was martyred in the cause of civil rights. He was an eloquent man who preached that "love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend." His was a voice of reason in a time of insanity, silenced too soon. -- ABBY
Happily Unattached Woman Enjoys Feeling of Freedom
DEAR ABBY: I was married at 17 and ran away at 37 when I finally admitted to myself that my husband did not love me. After that, I went through a deep depression that took years to recover from. I have been divorced for 13 years and am happy being unencumbered. I choose to live alone.
I enjoy companionship and am seeing not one, but two, men. They both want a commitment, and I do not. One knows about the other; the other doesn't. They know I have had relationships in the past.
I have already had family, kids and grandkids. I see no reason to marry again or have a serious commitment to anyone. What is your advice? -- CONTENT IN IOWA
DEAR CONTENT: My advice is to let the gentleman who doesn't know you are seeing someone else in on the secret. Other than that, because you are happy with the status quo, I have no other advice to offer.
DEAR ABBY: Before my mother died a year ago, she told me a secret. She said my middle-aged brother "Donnie" was conceived with a sperm donation rather than my father (also deceased), whose sperm count was low. My brother doesn't know this, and Mom didn't tell him before she died.
Donnie has had numerous emotional problems and has unresolved issues with our parents. Do you think it's important that he know of his "origin," or is this a secret I should take with me to the grave? I don't want to hurt him with this information, only to help him resolve some of his negative feelings toward our parents. I hate keeping family secrets, but I will remain silent if telling him would do more harm than good. -- HALF-SISTER IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR HALF-SISTER: Your half-brother should be told the truth. It may be difficult for him to hear, but on the other hand, it could explain some of the unspoken family dynamics that may have led to his unresolved issues with your parents. It might also help him understand why he felt "different," or may have felt he was treated differently than you were.
DEAR ABBY: I have a grandchild whose parents are strict, which I don't mind, but when Mom loses her cool, she starts name-calling. She'll say things like, "You're a brat!" etc. in front of whomever, wherever we happen to be. It goes against my grain to call anyone names.
Should I talk to the parents about this or stay out of their business? I don't interfere with the way any of my children raise their kids, but I'm very concerned over this. What do I do or say? Should I speak up, or hold my peace? I hurt for the grandkids when this happens. It isn't good for their self-esteem. -- UNSURE IN RED WING, MINN.
DEAR UNSURE: I know very few perfect parents, but if your family member does this on a regular basis, you should say something. The problem with labeling a child is that if an adult does it often enough, the child can grow up thinking the label is accurate. A better way to handle the situation would be for Mom to say firmly: "Stop that! When you do that it makes me angry, and if it happens again, you'll: (1) get a time out; (2) we're going outside until you can behave; or (3) I won't bring you here again!"
FAMILY FINDS RELIEF BY PUTTING INTOLERABLE MOTHER IN A HOME
DEAR ABBY: My 92-year-old mother is the most hateful woman you have ever met. My husband and I took her into our home because she could no longer care for herself. She immediately took over everything, telling us what to do, being demanding and complaining that nothing was ever right.
She tried to discipline my well-behaved kids, ages 15 and 21. She attempted to treat them the way she treated us, using foul language, hitting and verbally abusing. My husband and kids have called me at work saying I need to get home immediately because Mother was out of control.
We told her we'd cook her meals because she could no longer use the oven. We modeled appropriate examples of interacting with the kids, but she just didn't get it. We finally had to put her in a nursing home.
Now we are wracked with guilt. Did I do the right thing? My siblings didn't want her because of her long history of abuse. I'm in no hurry to visit her at the home, either. Why couldn't she be the kindly grandma and parent that many children have? -- GUILT-RIDDEN IN TUSTIN, CALIF.
DEAR GUILT-RIDDEN: Probably because she was modeling behavior she learned from her own mother and possibly because she is demented. Frankly, it was unrealistic to expect that she would suddenly change from the person she has been for the past 92 years into a Disney character -- and I don't mean Cruella De Vil.
Did you do the right thing? All things considered, yes. However, you should not abandon your mother. As a loving daughter -- which you have tried to be -- I'm advising you to try a little harder. Visit her. Bring her something to distract her. If she's able to be moved, take her out for a meal. When she's gone, you, unlike your siblings, will have nothing to regret.
DEAR ABBY: My son "Rob" and his fiancee invited me to join them at a dinner his father and stepmother, "Jane," are hosting. Rob's grandmother, brother and sister-in-law will be there, as well as Jane's two sons. I love them all and thought they loved me.
Apparently, Jane doesn't want me to attend! No reason was given. I was shocked. Jane and my ex were always welcomed in my home and life. I wished them well when they married after dating for 20 years. Jane's children have spent the night in my home. I took care of them for several days after a hurricane. I even flew her youngest son to join Rob and me at a theme park. Now when I look back, I realize Jane never reciprocated.
Rob and I are heartbroken. He wants nothing to do with Jane and doesn't want her at his wedding. He's furious with his dad for letting Jane make the rules. Rob doesn't want to attend their dinner. Abby, I am sick that I have apparently caused a rift in the family. Please tell me how to deal with this. -- STUPEFIED IN THE SOUTH
DEAR STUPEFIED: Take the high road and encourage Rob to attend the dinner. This is Jane's party, and as the hostess it was her privilege to invite you -- or not. Rob should not have assumed that he could dictate her guest list.
While you have done everything you can to be a friend to Jane and have one large, happy extended family, she may feel competitive toward you. Or she may regard you as a chapter in her husband's life that she would prefer to be closed. Regard it as a reflection on her and her own insecurities. Be smart, take your cue from this and step back.
As to Jane attending Rob's wedding -- if he wants his dad there, he may have to accept her presence. But that decision is Rob's to make. Do not allow yourself to be dragged into it.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Teen Mom Hides Full Story From Her Infuriated Mother
DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old mother. I am afraid to tell my mom that I have been speaking to my son's father, "Jeremy," who is also 17. She doesn't like him because when she found out I was pregnant, my best friend told her about the abuse I suffered from Jeremy.
Mom is scared he will abuse my son, and, being a teen, he will up and leave me when he finds the right person to be with. He has missed a year of the baby's life and so has his family.
Jeremy's parents want to meet their grandson. It's difficult to talk to Mom because of the way she feels about the family. She thinks they haven't tried to see my son, but in reality they're leaving it up to me to set up. How can I get my mom to be less angry about the situation? -- TEEN MOM IN GRAND RAPIDS
DEAR TEEN MOM: You may be only 17, but because you are now a mother you are going to have to grow up -- fast. Your mother has your best interests at heart, and also her grandchild's. You didn't say whether Jeremy was physically or emotionally abusive, but both are bad. And those are habits he may have learned from his parents. If he dropped out of your life for an entire year, the odds are high that he'll disappear again. So don't count on him for anything.
I am urging you to be completely honest with your mother. Sneaking around is childish. Tell her that the reason Jeremy's parents haven't seen the baby is they left it up to you to arrange, and you were afraid to tell her. It's honest and better than letting them take the rap for your unwillingness to speak up. It may make her less angry about the situation and more willing to compromise.
DEAR ABBY: I recently became engaged to a man I have been with for six years. We're planning a wedding this year.
I lost my dad six years ago. My stepmom has been in my life since I was 3. (I am now 33.) When I asked her if she would be willing to contribute to the wedding in place of Dad, she refused! According to her, Dad did not discuss this with her prior to his death.
What is proper protocol here? Was I out of line to ask if she'd be willing to contribute? I feel like the odd child out because my dad and stepmom contributed to my sister's wedding. Considering how long she has been in my life, this was a shock to me. What do you think, Abby? -- FEELING ABANDONED IN MONTANA
DEAR FEELING ABANDONED: Many people have the mistaken impression that a bride's parents are required to pay for or contribute to her wedding. It's not true. A wedding is a gift, and while it would have been nice of your stepmother to have agreed to give you money for yours, no rule of protocol dictates that she had to.
At 33, you and your fiance should be able to finance your own wedding -- and that's what you should do, without feeling abandoned. Many couples these days do exactly that.
DEAR ABBY: My former boss told me that my numerous suggestions, voluminous descriptions for systems improvements, suggestions for work outside the office, extra reports and documentation, large number of phone calls and multitudinous e-mails came across as intractable, intolerant and superfluous. Could he have been right? -- T.K. IN RALEIGH, N.C.
DEAR T.K.: In a word: yes.