Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
DEAR ABBY: A few weeks ago, I met a group of friends at a local pub. "Charlie" was the designated driver. As the evening progressed, I noticed Charlie was drinking beer. When I mentioned it, he said he'd had only three. Then he insisted he was fine and "it was only beer."
I tried to explain the danger of driving while "buzzed" and told him I'd walk home. Charlie then became insulted that I didn't trust him to know his limits. He said I should relax and quit being so uptight.
A few days later, some of my friends told me I had caused "unnecessary drama" that night and that my standards for the designated driver were "unrealistic." They also said that Charlie wasn't drunk and was totally capable of driving. But the fact remains, our designated driver wasn't sober, and I wasn't comfortable getting into a car with him.
I voiced my opinion; now I'm being punished for it. Did I judge Charlie too harshly? -- VALUES MY SAFETY, DAVIS, CALIF.
DEAR VALUES YOUR SAFETY: Not in my book, and not in the one published by the California Department of Motor Vehicles. In its California Drivers Handbook, under the section titled "Designated Driver Program," it lists the requirements for someone to be a designated driver. Among them: "Must abstain from consuming alcoholic beverages for the duration of the outing." That means not drinking anything with alcohol in it. Zilch!
You were right to speak up. In the future, if you decide to socialize with these folks, arrange to meet them. And if the location is not within walking distance, take a cab.
DEAR ABBY: "Tracey" is beautiful, caring and fun to spend time with. I fell hard for her and knew I could love her forever. When she broke up with me to "be on her own," I was very hurt.
My best friend, "Henry," says he started sleeping with Tracey right after our breakup. I was his best man when he married "Jill." Now Henry has left Jill for Tracey, and I am left with a sick stomach. How do I heal my wounds while supporting Jill, which keeps them painfully open? -- HEARTSICK IN OHIO
DEAR HEARTSICK: One way would be to remind yourself that as "caring and fun" as Tracey was to be with, she had no reluctance about dating a married man. Another would be to level with Jill, explain that spending time with her is a painful reminder of the way you were dumped, and take a break from it until you have healed.
DEAR ABBY: I became fast friends with one of my husband's co-workers after meeting her at a happy hour. We had fun going out, usually to dance clubs.
One night when my husband tagged along, I overheard her tell him, "If you weren't married, I could be with you." When I confronted her about it the next night, she apologized, saying she had been feeling no pain and can't believe she said it. My husband chalks it up to her being stupid drunk, but I can't let it go.
Now when I see her at work functions, I am cordial and she acts like nothing ever happened. We could have been great friends if she hadn't said what she did, but each time I think I can bury the hatchet, I get angry and upset all over again.
Should I just get over it? Or am I justified in feeling I can't be friends with someone I can't trust? -- DISTRUSTFUL IN ILLINOIS
DEAR DISTRUSTFUL: You're justified. And I'm saying it cold sober.
LIGHTHEARTED COURTSHIP HAS BECOME WEDDED DRUDGERY
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my second husband, "Greg," for 3 1/2 years. Before we married, Greg took me out on dates, we had wonderful conversations and a satisfying sex life.
Now I spend every weekend cleaning, and when I clean the upstairs, Greg goes downstairs. If I clean downstairs, he goes upstairs. He says he loves me, but it seems we have become more like roommates than husband and wife.
Greg buys big-ticket items (big-screen TV and a computer, for example) without telling me. In fact, he never discusses anything with me. Do you think he married me only to cook and clean for him?
Before you suggest counseling, let me point out one more thing: Greg is a psychologist. -- SEARCHING FOR NORMAL IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR SEARCHING: It appears you married a man who was terrific at sales and poor on follow-through. Because someone is a psychologist does not automatically make that person a good spouse, or parent -- or even a particularly effective therapist.
You two have a serious communication problem. You need to tell him how you feel, and he needs to tell you why he's avoiding you and won't allow you to have a voice in "big" decisions. And I am suggesting counseling, but not with anyone with whom your husband is affiliated in business.
DEAR ABBY: I have been going out with an older man for a year and a half. He is very nice and makes me laugh. He has a lot of faults, but I can tolerate them except for one -- he cheated on both of his ex-wives. He has had affairs with his friends' wives, his employees and his customers. He even told me he slept with another woman the night before his wedding to his second wife.
He likes to flirt, and women like him because he has a great sense of humor. I love his company and we get along well -- most of the time. He says he's sorry for his past behavior, but I'm not convinced he really is. I'm afraid he will do the same with me if he has the chance.
I have spoken to him about my concerns. He says he is "different" now. I have been hurt by men before, and I really don't want to have another emotional disaster. What can he do to gain my trust? -- HESITANT IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR HESITANT: Probably nothing. Face it -- he's charming, witty and can't keep his zipper up. Recognize and enjoy him for who he is, but if you're looking for a lifetime commitment, he's not "the one."
DEAR ABBY: I was recently asked by a good friend to be one of his groomsmen at his wedding. Of course, I accepted.
His bachelor party was on the Oregon coast, so I had to fly out for that a few months before the wedding. The ceremony is in St. Louis, so I have to journey there as well. For both events I have had to pay for travel, accommodations, etc. I spent $200 for the tuxedo rental for the wedding as well as additional expenses.
By the end of it I'll have spent more than $1,000. Must I still buy my friend a wedding gift? -- BIG SPENDER IN PALO ALTO, CALIF.
DEAR BIG SPENDER: The answer is yes -- but it doesn't have to be expensive. According to Emily Post, among the basic responsibilities of all adult attendants is to "contribute to attendants' group gifts to the bride and groom (and usually, give an individual gift as well)."
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Son's 'No Secrets' Policy Irks His Confiding Mother
DEAR ABBY: My son "Clay" has been married seven years. There are times I like to discuss things of a personal nature with him having to do with our family, and I have asked him not to mention our talks with his wife. These discussions have nothing to do with her.
The problem is whatever he tells her, she repeats to her whole family. I do not want our personal problems and other matters to be known by everyone.
My other son has no trouble keeping our talks just between us, but Clay says he and his wife have "no secrets" from each other. Abby, is it OK to ask a married son or daughter not to divulge things to a spouse that have nothing to do with her or him? -- CONFIDENTIALLY IN ST. LOUIS
DEAR CONFIDENTIALLY: It's OK to ask; it's also OK to say no. When Clay married his wife, she became part of your family. Now that you know your son keeps no secrets from his wife, and that she leaks like a sieve, the better part of wisdom would be to stop confiding in him. Don't you think?
DEAR ABBY: As a therapist and regular reader, I was surprised and dismayed by your advice to "Hubby in Purr-gatory" (June 30). Apparently, "Hubby" has grown annoyed with his wife's preoccupation with her two cats.
Whatever blocks to closeness have been created for this couple are not likely to be removed by his demanding affection and threatening infidelity -- even in jest. (Re: your comment, "He may adopt a 'kitten' of his own.") People turn to excessive engagement with animals because animals provide warmth in easy, reliable ways. Spouses would often do well to watch what animals give and offer the same things -- especially uncritical pleasure in each other's company.
At the least, you could have suggested "Hubby" open a dialogue with his wife about why she chooses the cats' company and what he can do to be equally appealing. -- JULIE IN RICHMOND, VA., CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST
DEAR JULIE: I'm sorry you were dismayed. If you read "Hubby's" letter again you will see that he tried "opening a dialogue" with his wife and got nowhere. She has infantilized the cats, which she calls her "babies," to assuage her anxiety after her sons moved out.
While some readers assumed I was "advising" the husband to "adopt a 'kitten' of his own," what I was trying to convey was that when a spouse (of either sex, by the way) feels ignored, unappreciated, unloved or unimportant, it is not uncommon for him or her to seek validation elsewhere. In other words, I called it as I saw it.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old girl. I recently had open heart surgery and my doctor did a really bad job at the "stitching up." My scar is oversized and crooked.
People look at me all the time and ask me about it. I hate wearing certain shirts because of it. Why can't people realize this scar saved my life and stop staring at it? Please, I need some advice. -- SCARRED IN MINNESOTA
DEAR SCARRED: People look at your scar because it is different. They do not mean to stare or make you uncomfortable. A way to take control of the situation would be, when you see someone looking at your chest, to say, "I had open heart surgery. This scar saved my life." If you are asked about it, answer any questions honestly. That will take the mystery out of it -- and word will get around.