CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: Happy Fourth of July, everyone!
Truth of Abusive Marriage Will Tarnish Man's Sterling Image
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Ted" for 15 years. We have three school-age children. My husband is extremely narcissistic and passive-aggressive. During our entire relationship, he has been controlling and manipulative, as well as emotionally, economically and sexually abusive. I have remained in the marriage this long because I thought keeping the family intact was the right thing to do for my children. (Ted doesn't abuse them. I am his only victim.)
Through counseling I have realized that living in the atmosphere of a loveless, abusive marriage can be as detrimental for kids as a breakup would be. I will soon be filing for divorce.
My dilemma: Because Ted is very good at projecting a "good guy" image, I'm sure that people won't believe he is abusive. Should I be open about the reason for the divorce and be accused of lying? We live in Ted's hometown, a small, rural community. I don't know if I can live with the stigma of having accused a "nice guy" of such a thing. On the other hand, I don't want the abuse to be a "dirty little secret." What do women do in situations like this? -- NO VISIBLE WOUNDS
DEAR NO VISIBLE WOUNDS: They "confide" their problems -- with specific examples -- to a couple of their closest girlfriends. The truth will spread like wildfire.
DEAR ABBY: I am an 18-year-old male. When I was 15, I met a girl on the Internet. We talked pretty often, visited each other and had a lot in common. I fell in love with her, as much as a teenager can love someone. Eventually we hit some bumps in the relationship and she broke up with me. We have rarely spoken since.
Abby, even though it was a teenage relationship and it was over long ago, it still hurts. Is this normal? Could it be that I didn't get closure because we hardly talked afterward? It doesn't seem like it should still affect me as much as it does. I lack confidence when it comes to romance now. -- UNCERTAIN TEEN IN BEAVERTON, ORE.
DEAR UNCERTAIN TEEN: The problem with teen romances isn't that the people involved don't fall in love -- hard -- it's that they are growing so fast in so many different directions that the relationship is hard to maintain. That's probably what happened to your romance. And yes, it hurts, usually until you find yourself involved in another one. I'll tell you a secret: MOST people lack confidence when it comes to romance. But lasting love usually grows out of meaningful friendship. So open yourself up and you may be pleasantly surprised by how little time it takes.
DEAR ABBY: I work in a doctor's office. One of our patients makes a big scene if we do not address him by his title -- "Reverend Smith." He has to tell everyone within earshot that he went to school for eight years to get that title. He insists that, out of respect, we should address him as such.
Abby, this man is not MY reverend. So far, I have avoided calling him this. Am I being disrespectful, or is he being pompous? -- UNIMPRESSED IN LOUISVILLE
DEAR UNIMPRESSED: You are not only being disrespectful, but also passive-aggressive. Because this patient has made clear that he prefers to be addressed by the title he has earned, you should use it.
GIRL RESENTS ATTENTION PARENTS LAVISH ON HER OLDER BROTHER
DEAR ABBY: I'm 13, the youngest of three children, but I am treated with no respect. My parents (mostly my dad) treat my brother like he's a prince. Even if he loses a football game he is praised. I just started playing volleyball and my team won, but my parents haven't said anything to me.
Dad treats me and my sister as if we are in the 18th century. We're supposed to work all the time while our brother is spoiled. Even when we finish working they don't appreciate it, and I'm always to blame.
Abby, I feel so disrespected. Please help me. I have talked to them about it, but it doesn't seem to get through. -- NEEDS RESPECT IN TAMPA, FLA.
DEAR NEEDS RESPECT: Does your sister feel the same way you do? If so, you should approach your mother together and discuss it. Even if your father doesn't, she should be praising you when you do something right.
I hope you and your sister continue to strive to excel and be recognized, because you may find that while your father isn't capable of giving you the affirmation you need, others will as you achieve your goals. So bide your time and persevere. If you do, you won't be sorry.
DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine, "Ashley," is being married in September. She invited me to be one of her bridesmaids and my two children to be ring-bearers. I accepted because I felt obligated and didn't want to hurt her feelings, but now I regret my answer.
Abby, I cannot stand there beside her and support her marrying the man she has chosen. He is dishonest and in debt because of his poor decisions. After three years of dating, Ashley gave him a deadline to propose, and he waited until the last minute. I understand this is her choice -- I just cannot support it.
She continues to say how she misses spending time with me, but makes no effort to get together. Needless to say, our friendship is not what it was at one point. My question is, how do I back out now, before it's too late? And how do I explain things without creating an enemy? -- MOMMY OF TWO
DEAR MOMMY: Tell her immediately, and here's how: "Ashley, I can't be in the wedding. I don't think this man is good enough for you, and I think you are doing something you will regret later. Please don't think I don't care about you because I do, but the children and I cannot be a part of this."
DEAR ABBY: Yesterday, after my neighbors went out, the hose on their washing machine broke. Because the faucet had been left in the open position, hot water gushed out all day long, soaking through the floor and flooding their basement. Abby, their basement had just been refinished. The repairs will cost thousands of additional dollars.
My dad warned me about this potential problem years ago. Ever since, I have always turned my faucets off when I am not actually doing laundry.
Please print this so your readers will know to shut off the washing machine faucets unless their machine is in use. -- GRATEFUL DAUGHTER IN COLORADO
DEAR GRATEFUL DAUGHTER: Thank you for a valuable reminder. Better to take an extra second to turn off the taps than spend hours bailing, mopping and kicking yourself!
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
CO-ED'S ROCKY FRESHMAN YEAR LEAVES HER DOWN IN THE DUMPS
DEAR ABBY: I am 18 and sad all the time. I have never had a boyfriend, and have struggled in the past with anxiety and loneliness. It has been a rollercoaster year for me -- a tough first year of college, watching all of my friends enter meaningful relationships. All I can do is be ashamed of the fact that I'm struggling while others are thriving. I need help, but don't know where to turn. -- A COMPLETE MESS IN OHIO
DEAR COMPLETE MESS: Before I start offering you advice, please let me point out that the first year of college is a huge adjustment for everyone. You're away from your usual support systems, adjusting to a new environment and new responsibilities. Instead of comparing yourself to your friends who are entering "meaningful relationships," please look around at all of the students who are single like you are. If you do, you will realize they outnumber the ones who are coupled up.
Because you are sad for extended periods, you should head over to the student health center and talk about it with a counselor. He or she will help you find ways to overcome your feelings of isolation, anxiety and depression -- but only if someone who is qualified knows you're having trouble. And please don't waste one minute being "ashamed." What you're experiencing is not uncommon.
DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of two young children. Three years ago I divorced my husband of eight years. My mother does not accept the divorce and still views my ex as a family member. She's planning a family reunion for my father's 80th birthday and has told me she's inviting my ex, which will be uncomfortable since I am attending the party with my boyfriend of two years.
My mother's unwillingness to accept my new boyfriend in my life is hurtful, and it is affecting my relationship with her. How can I sustain a relationship with her if she doesn't accept that I have moved on with my life? -- IRRITATED IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR IRRITATED: You have moved on with your life. But in the eight years you were married, your mother grew attached to your former husband. I assume that you and your ex have a civil relationship, if only for the sake of your children. So go to the reunion with your boyfriend. Give your parents every opportunity you can to get to know him, because the more they are exposed to him, the greater the chances of their accepting him.
P.S. Wouldn't it be lovely if your ex were to bring a date? Why not call him and plant the idea ...
DEAR ABBY: I am a 61-year-old, recently retired male. I think I am experiencing a midlife crisis, exacerbated by my wife's decision to let her hair go natural -- meaning gray.
I know you and your readers will probably think I'm shallow and am trying to hold onto my young, 59-year-old "trophy wife." We have been happily married nearly 40 years. In my eyes she represents our youth and vitality, which suddenly isn't feeling so youthful or vital since her roots started showing. What can I do? -- YOUNGER AT HEART IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR YOUNGER AT HEART: Try this. Remember the words of Benjamin Franklin on aging. He wrote: "In the dark all cats are gray."
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)