Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
Service Dogs Shouldn't Be Distracted When on the Job
DEAR ABBY: I am 18, disabled, and work with a service dog. I would like to offer people a few tips on interacting with service dog owners. Perhaps it will lessen some of the daily frustrations all handlers deal with:
1. Not all service dogs are big dogs. I know several Chihuahuas who save their owners' lives every day with their medical alert tasks.
2. Not all disabilities are visible. Please don't ask, "What's wrong with you?" or, "What's your problem?"
3. There are many kinds of service dogs, not just guide dogs. Medical alert dogs help people with everything from epilepsy to diabetes to panic attacks. There are also autism service dogs, mobility dogs and hearing dogs.
4. Please do not pet my dog without asking me first. My dog wears a patch that says, "Do Not Pet." It's there for a reason. Abby, I can't count the number of people who read her patch out loud, then reach out to pet her anyway. Please do not take it personally if we say no.
5. If a dog's handler seems ill, it's OK -- even preferable -- to ask if we are all right. I once had an episode and no less than two dozen people walked right past me while I sat on the floor. Had I been diabetic, I could have died because no one stopped -- including two store managers. -- HOPING TO HELP IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR HOPING TO HELP: Thank you for an important letter. What many people fail to understand is that when an assistance dog is out in public, the animal is working and should not be distracted from its task -- which is ensuring the well-being of its owner.
Your last tip was the most important of all. Folks, I shouldn't have to tell you that if you see someone who appears to be in trouble, it takes only a moment to do the right thing and make sure the person gets the help he or she needs. And that includes calling 911 if it's merited.
DEAR ABBY: I am a widowed grandmother. Two of my son's children, ages 18 and 21, have never had much contact with me or my husband. I have mailed them gifts for their birthdays and holidays, never receiving a thank-you or a card or a call on my birthday. To keep the peace, I have kept sending -- but now I'm tired.
They used to live in Arizona, but now the older granddaughter, "Bethany," lives here in Florida, 40 miles from here. When she came with her parents to stay with me while house-hunting, she asked, "What are you going to give me for my birthday?" I did not respond.
After Bethany became established and settled, I called her on at least four separate occasions, leaving messages, all of which she has ignored. She claims she never received them. My birthday came and went -- no card or call from her. I feel I should do the same for her from now on. I would like your opinion so I can show it to my son. -- UNAPPRECIATED IN FLORIDA
DEAR UNAPPRECIATED: Here it is, and by all means, share it with your son. Bethany is the product of her upbringing. You were not a part of her childhood in Arizona, and she was never taught that good manners mean acknowledging gifts and returning phone calls.
She is no longer a child, and she was presumptuous to ask you what you would be giving her for her birthday. (You should have replied, "Malaria. Do you want it now?") If you choose to stop acting like a vending machine -- which is the way you are being treated -- you'll get no argument from me.
Matchmaking Mom Wants Son's Gal Pal in the Family
DEAR ABBY: "Todd" and I have been close friends since eighth grade. We're now in our mid-20s, and over the years I have gotten to know his family. His mother, "Cindy," is a kind and darling woman and I like her a lot.
The problem is, she has it in her head that I am perfect for Todd. On more than one occasion she has gone so far as to ask me why I don't marry him. Todd and I have always been close, but I have never had any interest in him beyond friendship. In fact, I am involved in a serious relationship right now with a man I love dearly.
Is there a way to stop Cindy from making suggestive comments without hurting her feelings? -- HOLDING MY TONGUE FOR NOW IN MINNESOTA
DEAR HOLDING YOUR TONGUE: Todd's mother's attempts at matchmaking may be annoying, but they're the greatest compliment a mother can pay a young woman. The next time she does it, smile and tell her that if you could clone yourself you would because you think she'd be the best mother-in-law in the world, but you're seeing someone and the relationship is serious.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 48-year-old man about to be married for the second time. My bride, "Jennifer," is significantly younger than I, but aside from that, we're alike on most issues. We have lived together for five years and have two beautiful daughters, ages 3 and 7.
We are now involved in making wedding plans. I know it's a woman's special day, but when I ask the normal question of "How much does it cost?" Jennifer becomes unglued. She says she's aware that we don't have an unlimited budget, and she's sick and tired of my always asking about the costs and saying things are too expensive.
Today she went off again when I said that the diamond-encrusted wedding band she wants me to wear was too expensive, and a simple gold band is fine for me. I told Jennifer to cut out the Bridezilla attitude. Money is a factor in a wedding, and since I'm part of it, my opinion should matter as much as hers.
Now she's stomping around in a huff, and I'm at the end of my rope. If this is how she acts now, what about after the wedding? Am I being an idiot to worry about the money, or is Jennifer being unrealistic by ignoring it and stifling my concerns? -- GROOM (?) IN MICHIGAN
DEAR GROOM (?): You're not an idiot. You are asking some very intelligent questions. One of the most frequent causes of divorce is arguments over money. So before you go any further, stop the music and insist that the two of you get premarital counseling to ensure that you really are on the same page. It could save you a bundle -- of heartache and money.
DEAR ABBY: I am 17 and popular in school. I have a lot of friends, but inside I feel like I'm not good enough to go out with the popular boys I like. I am friends with them all, but they always pay more attention to the prettier girls.
I know I should feel privileged to be popular, but what can I do to get the guys to notice me more? I sometimes stay up crying at night over this. -- WANTS MORE IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR WANTS MORE: I'll tell you a secret. Fear of failure can become a self-fulfilling prophecy -- and so can success. The more you dwell on your "deficiencies," the more pronounced they'll become. So, act more confident and soon you will be.
Woman Wants to Believe Sex Offender's Claim of Innocence
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Claude," and I are deeply in love. He's devoted to me and my son. He brings me candy and flowers and takes me out. He includes my son in everything we do.
My problem is, he recently mentioned that he is on the national sex offenders list. He says he didn't do it and that he was framed. It happened years ago -- if it happened at all -- and he doesn't like to talk about it.
Abby, I need your advice. Should I believe him or run the other way? It scares me to think that I am putting my son in danger, but then again, I don't believe Claude did what they say he did. Please help me. -- MOM IN THE SOUTH
DEAR MOM: The first thing you should do is check the national sex offenders database. Find out if Claude should, by virtue of the fact that he is a convicted sex offender, even be around children. Learn the facts of what happened from the authorities in that community. And then, think with your head instead of your heart and put your son's welfare above everything.
DEAR ABBY: You frequently say children are not responsible for their parents' divorce.
My grandmother said my parents married because my mother was pregnant with my sister. They divorced because I was born. What do we say to our parents, knowing they divorced because Mom didn't want us? (I have met her only twice, and she's not around to defend herself.) I am 25 and have had self-esteem problems my entire life. -- STILL FEELING SAD, MESA, ARIZ.
DEAR STILL FEELING SAD: I'm sorry you have had so little contact with your mother. Had it been otherwise, you might have discovered that your parents' divorce had nothing to do with you as a person and everything to do with her and your father's level of maturity at the time and the quality of their marriage.
I strongly suspect that other factors in your mother's life made her unable, rather than unwilling, to nurture. If it's possible for you to contact her, you should do so. And if not, discuss this with a therapist who will help you put any questions about your self-worth to rest once and for all.
DEAR ABBY: My son is married to a beautiful Japanese woman who is well-educated and speaks both Japanese and English fluently. They have a daughter, "Mari," who is 2 1/2 and just starting to talk. My concern is whether my granddaughter should be taught English or Japanese first.
Mari already speaks and understands a little of each language, but I'm worried that she may grow up confused while trying to communicate with others. I feel she should learn English first. Then, as Mari grows older, her mother can teach her the Japanese language.
Am I being concerned about something I shouldn't be? By the way, there is no family conflict here. I'm just concerned that my granddaughter will grow up confused. -- HAPPY PAPA IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR HAPPY PAPA: Worry no more. Children absorb languages like sponges absorb water. Mari is a lucky little girl to be learning Japanese and English so young. If she's able to practice both, they will become interchangeable for her. So stop worrying, and if you're receptive, your granddaughter may teach you a few phrases.