Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
Naked 9 Year Old Makes His Sister's Life Difficult
DEAR ABBY: My brother is 9 and still walks around naked. I have asked "Josh" repeatedly to put on some clothes, but he blows me off and flaunts himself around the house.
My mother is no help. When I ask her to talk to him, she laughs and says, "Boys will be boys." Abby, I'm 13 and it is starting to freak me out. Am I being paranoid, or am I right to want him to put on a pair of boxers or something? -- OLDER SISTER IN MCALLEN, TEXAS
DEAR OLDER SISTER: Your mother is right about one thing: Boys WILL be boys. Your brother is acting like an immature child who's enjoying teasing his sister.
On the other hand, she's wrong to laugh off your discomfort. One reason children have parents is so someone can teach them respect for the feelings of others. At 9, Josh is too big to ignore, and at 13, you are no longer a little girl. If he wants to be naked in his bedroom, fine and dandy. But when he's in the rooms shared by everyone, he should cover up. And if he doesn't, there should be consequences.
DEAR ABBY: My ex-mother-in-law died unexpectedly three weeks ago. We were very close, and I handled most of the arrangements. She left no will, so my ex-husband and I did our best to provide what we thought she would have wanted.
We chose to have Mom cremated, but decided to have a short open viewing at the funeral home for her grandchildren's benefit. We wanted them to realize Grandma was no longer in her body.
This morning I was shocked to receive a phone call from the funeral parlor saying they have received a letter from one of Mom's co-workers, expressing that she felt the viewing was disrespectful and in bad taste. Abby, we chose to display her body on a table with blankets. We didn't think spending hundreds of dollars for a coffin for the four-hour viewing was justified, nor did we think Mom would have wanted us to do that. Was it inappropriate? -- SLAPPED IN THE FACE IN MONTANA
DEAR SLAPPED IN THE FACE: There was nothing disrespectful or inappropriate about the way your ex-mother-in-law's body was displayed. And you were wise not to spend a lot of money on a casket that was to be used only for a viewing.
I applaud your courage to do things differently. Please let that presumptuous woman's criticism roll off your backs.
DEAR ABBY: I work for a nonprofit organization, and once a month we convene early in the morning for a staff meeting. To make up for the fact that we are meeting earlier than usual, departments take turns providing breakfast. This has turned into a contest to see who can bring the most elaborate breakfast.
Frankly, it's all I can do to get breakfast on the table for my own family without the added pressure of having to provide something for my "work family." The one-upmanship and back-stabbing is bad enough without having to become Martha Stewart in the process. Please comment. -- EGGS-ASPERATED IN NEW YORK
DEAR EGGS-ASPERATED: I can see how something like that could get out of hand. Someone must break the cycle -- so why not you? When your department's turn rolls around, either order something you can pick up the night before or the morning of the meeting, or bring in fruit, granola and yogurt so your colleagues can have a healthy breakfast. And don't apologize for it.
HUSBAND'S MANY CONQUESTS LEAVE WIFE FEELING DEFEAT
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 58-year-old woman who has been married 40 years. I married at 18, put my husband through school and raised three children.
We have now been separated five years, after I found out that my husband had had numerous affairs. The last one lasted three years and I had no idea. During his last affair, he had the woman in our home and told her personal things about me. He lied and told her we were getting a divorce.
We have not divorced. Financially it would be hard. I can't seem to get over the pain and hurt. He still calls to see if I am OK. I continually visualize him with the other women. Thirty-five years is a long time, and he's the only man I have ever known.
I want to get over him, but it's hard. I now work full-time. My husband constantly sought women who admired his power and status in the community. I don't think I can ever get over his hurting me so. I tried counseling. It didn't work. He continues to call, which keeps me hanging. Should I break all ties? Is that what's holding me back? -- SAD IN OHIO
DEAR SAD: Let me talk to you like a friend and offer a suggestion: Talk to an attorney. After 40 years of marriage to a man with "power and status," one wealthy enough to afford serial "cookies" on the side, he must have accumulated enough assets that you shouldn't have to hold down a full-time job.
If you availed yourself of some of the assets to which you may be entitled, you might have enough to get more counseling and do some traveling, which might help to lessen your unhappiness. THEN you can decide whether or not to break all ties.
DEAR ABBY: With graduation announcements pouring in every day from everyone whom I have ever known who has a child graduating, I think I have seen a new low.
I actually received a photocopy of a high school graduation announcement. There was no picture, no personal note, just a photocopy folded into a cheap envelope. The "real" ones had been sent to more "important" people.
My question is, should I send the kid a photocopy of a congratulations card and a photocopy of some money? What's the best way to handle this? -- FLABBERGASTED IN THE SOUTH
DEAR FLABBERGASTED: If you have not seen the graduate since grammar school and aren't particularly close to the family, just toss it!
DEAR ABBY: I saw the letter you printed recently about "pennies from heaven" and thought I would share my story about a coin of a different kind.
My son died at the age of 16 following an auto accident. Among the feelings I was having was guilt that he didn't get to go to Italy with his Latin class the spring before his death because I couldn't afford it. Now, he would never get to go.
One day after returning to work, I was getting into my car and noticed a coin on the seat. I picked it up and was shocked to see it was an Italian lira! I took that as a sign that he DID get to see Italy, and I keep it in the frame with his picture. -- CHRISTOPHER'S MOM IN EVANSVILLE, IND.
DEAR MOM: Please accept my sympathy for the tragic loss of your son. The coin was sent to comfort you, and I'm glad it served its purpose of tempering your feelings of guilt and loss.
DEAR ABBY: I am at my wits' end and feel my life is over. I just want to get my life back the way it was 10 years ago. In the past eight years I have lost two jobs. I am currently unemployed and in financial ruin. I see no way out. Every job I apply for wants to do a credit check, so there goes any good job I might have. I have no resources for a counselor since I have no health insurance and nobody for a sounding board. Please help me see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel virtually alone. -- TROUBLED IN VIRGINIA
DEAR TROUBLED: First of all, you are not alone. At last count, millions of fellow Americans were in the same boat. When people are out of work for an extended period, debts do tend to pile up. But if you are upfront about it during a job interview, I am sure that fact will be taken into consideration.
The job market is beginning to thaw, so please keep trying and do not give up hope. There are support groups for people who are out of work -- and a place to start looking for one would be a bulletin board at the unemployment office in your area. Use your local library as a resource to find support groups on the Web. Network with other people you know who are unemployed. Inquire at churches and synagogues because some of them offer these services. Also, ask at the mayor's office or city hall, and at community centers. Help is everywhere; you need to get out and look for it.
DEAR ABBY: My father has been short-tempered for as long as I can remember. He never beat us, but he spanked us plenty as a means of discipline when we were growing up. Now this anger is random; he makes every family event a nightmare for anyone involved. He insists on planning events at their home, and screams and degrades any of us "kids" (and Mom) if we do something other than his way.
Shortly after my sister's divorce a few years ago, my father met with our priest to discuss his anger issues, but it didn't change anything. We've suggested anger management or counseling, but he tells us we're "overreacting" and blames my sister's drama as an excuse for his behavior.
I am expecting my first child, and my husband and I are afraid of the effect Dad's behavior will have on our little one. My sister's children are all afraid of my father. While they respect him, they constantly worry about when the next blowup will happen. I don't want to cut anyone out of my life, but how can I deal with this? -- EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTED IN OHIO
DEAR EXHAUSTED: You and your siblings are no longer children who have to obey your volatile father. If he uses the excuse that you (all) are in his home to imply that his behavior is acceptable, then you and the sibs should host family gatherings in your own homes, where your rules take precedence.
It's sad that your father didn't take his anger issues to a licensed psychotherapist, who could have helped him understand what causes them and given him tools to manage them. But since he didn't, you must accept that your first responsibility will be to your child -- specifically to protect him or her from your father's explosive outbursts.