DEAR ABBY: Ever since my father died 15 years ago, my mother has pursued her children's friends and made them her own. Example: I live in another state and have had a best friend, "Anne," for 20 years. Mom has gotten to know Anne quite well over the years, through me. She now calls Anne long distance, invites her to come and stay with her (without me), and considers the two of them best friends.
Last week when I talked to Anne, I learned that Mother will be joining us on a girls' trip I had planned with my closest friends. Mother has done this with my siblings' friends, too -- taking them on trips with her or inviting them to visit. Since Dad's death, she has severed most of their old friendships. Now, aside from our friends, her only friends are her secretary and some of her employees.
I'm having a hard time with this because I can no longer be open about my mother to Anne. Mom's relationship with Anne has changed my relationship with my friend, and I resent it. Is this normal? -- COMPETING WITH MOM
DEAR COMPETING: No, but has it occurred to you that after your father's death, their friends may have ended their relationship with your mother? According to my mail, it happens quite often because a widow may be perceived as a third wheel or even a threat.
Your mother may be competing with you (and your siblings), or it could be a desperate attempt to be more involved in your lives.
Does Anne know how uncomfortable this three-way has made you feel? If so, how did she respond when you told her? If you have discussed it, then it's time to recognize that the problem isn't entirely your mother, and you may be mad at the wrong person.