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SMALL ACTS OF KINDNESS CAN GIVE HOPE TO THOSE IN NEED
DEAR ABBY: From time to time you print letters about random acts of kindness. May I share something that happened to me? On Jan. 30, 2009, my husband and I took our three kids to a restaurant for breakfast to celebrate our twins' fourth birthday. When it was time to pay our bill, the waiter told us that a couple who had been sitting behind us had taken care of our tab.
What that couple didn't know was that the day before, my doctor had informed me a lump in my neck was probably lymphoma and that he needed to do a biopsy as soon as possible. He had wanted me to meet with a surgeon that morning, but I told him no. It was the twins' birthday, and I didn't want them to associate their birthday with the day Mommy got sick.
What that couple did was more than pay for our meal; it gave me hope. I felt it was a sign that everything would be "taken care of." To pay it forward, we left the waiter a large tip.
I did end up with Hodgkin's disease, but I have been in remission since August 2009. -- BLESSED IN WISCONSIN
DEAR BLESSED: Your letter made me smile. Your hope was rewarded and everything was "taken care of." And because Hodgkin's lymphoma is a treatable cancer, I hope you will continue to enjoy good health for many decades to come.
DEAR ABBY: I have a big problem. My father refuses to spend time with me. He is a firefighter and says he has a busy schedule. I understand that. But when he has extra time, he will find anything else to do. I tried talking to him -- it was like talking to a brick wall.
My mom has comforted me a lot, but I feel there is something missing in my life. That missing part is my dad. Please help me to figure out how I can make the situation better. -- GIRL IN NEED IN BALTIMORE
DEAR GIRL IN NEED: You have already done as much as you can. It is now up to your mother and/or your grandparents to help your father understand that there is more to being a parent than providing financial support. I hope he gets the message before it's too late -- for him, not you.
DEAR ABBY: An odd custom is beginning to surface in my local church. Showers for new brides and new mothers are being announced from the pulpit at Sunday services. All church members are invited to attend, and in one or two instances even told what to bring for gifts.
I have always understood that showers are given by close friends, relatives, associates, etc. Just what is proper procedure for this? How does one respond to these "open" invitations? I have not responded. Am I wrong? Please help. -- SOCIALLY NAIVE IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR SOCIALLY NAIVE: You are not wrong; you are correct. Approach your pastor and ask why this is being done. If the reason is that the bride-to-be or mother-to-be is financially needy, and you would like to contribute, then attend the showers. If not, then treat the announcement as you would any open invitation. If you choose not to attend, you are not obligated to give a gift.
P.S. I agree with you. It is an "odd" custom.
DEAR ABBY: I am writing about the letter from "Turkey Eater in Texas" (Nov. 12), who resented having a vegan Thanksgiving to accommodate two family members. I think your answer missed what being a gracious host is about. The entire meal shouldn't have to consist of vegan items. However, it wouldn't be a big deal to serve a vegan main dish and have those individuals also bring their favorite items. Making them bring a complete meal excludes them from a family gathering, and what fun is that?
After your column ran, my father called to tell me that holiday dinners would no longer accommodate my daughter's celiac disease. She's 9 and struggles with being "different." When she ingests gluten, she has cramps and vomiting, loses weight and risks significant long-term consequences.
Next year, we will host the holiday dinners. Our extended family can join us -- or not. The bottom line is that if you exclude family (for being vegan or having celiac disease), you've done the opposite of what holidays are about. -- KAYE IN ALABAMA
DEAR KAYE: That's true. What bothered me about the letter from "Turkey Eater" was the idea that his brother expected him to cater the entire Thanksgiving dinner to his nieces' preference to eat vegan. If the writer had said he had been asked to ensure there were dishes that would not inflame (literally) his nieces' serious medical condition, I would have answered differently.
What has surprised me about the comments I have received from readers about that letter has been the amount of prejudice and anger expressed against vegetarians by more than a few. But read on for some responses from vegans:
DEAR ABBY: I am a vegan in a meat and potatoes family. For 15 years I have spent every holiday and family gathering listening to them degrade my food choices and try to "convert" me back to my "senses." I have never expected them to cook for me. I always pack my own foods since they are unwilling to branch out and try new foods. When I have brought a dish, they all loved it, as long as they didn't know it was vegan and that I had prepared it.
I find many people are resentful if we host a dinner party with only vegan food. They expect us to accommodate them by cooking meat, but feel we should fend for ourselves at a function they hold. I encourage people to please get over the stigma of vegan/vegetarian and sample something new once in a while. If I can endure every family gathering taking place at a steakhouse, I don't think it's unreasonable to have one night when they experience how tasty food without meat in it can be. -- RACHEL IN SEATTLE
DEAR ABBY: I am 31 and have been a vegetarian my entire life. I come from a meat-loving family and have never insisted they change an entire meal to accommodate my eating habits. Instead, I take food I know I will eat and share it with everyone else. "Turkey Eater's" vegan relatives should realize they're in the minority. If they each brought a vegan-friendly dish or two, they'd have three to six things to choose from -- and that's plenty. -- EATING WELL IN NEW MEXICO
DEAR ABBY: I chose veganism for many reasons, none of which is to be a pain in the keister -- either by lecturing/scolding others, or by having high-maintenance expectations. I feel it's important to be flexible, especially at get-togethers. What I value most about holidays is sharing a meal with people I love. If I want a completely vegan Thanksgiving, it should be one that I host and prepare. To expect that of non-vegetarians is not only unreasonable, but also difficult, since many people are inexperienced in how to cook vegan.
My family Thanksgiving has an array of omnivores, vegetarians and vegans. Dad loves to cook and makes sure there's something for everyone. I help bake pies, others bring a vegan dish and everyone is content. Sometimes the vegetarian dishes are so delicious, the omnivores salivate.
Mutual respect is of utmost importance. Being militant or demanding can bring a negative perspective to vegetarianism. If we want others to empathize with us, we need to do the same. -- THANKFUL VEGAN IN KANSAS CITY
HUSBAND'S SEX LIFE APPEARS TO INVOLVE ONLY HIS REMOTE
DEAR ABBY: I'm pretty sure my husband is addicted to adult porn movies. We have several pornographic DVDs in the house and I can tell when they have been moved. He denies he's watching them, so confronting him again will only make him more angry and possibly push him "underground."
Our sex life, which used to be grand, has become almost non-existent. Do you have any suggestions? -- SUSPICIOUS IN FLORIDA
DEAR SUSPICIOUS: Yes. Rather than accuse your husband of being a porn addict, start a discussion about what has happened to your sex life. He may need to be examined by his doctor to determine if his problem could be physical. If that isn't the case, then marriage counseling with a licensed therapist might help.
However, it doesn't seem likely to me that a man who views only "several" adult DVDs is a porn addict. Porn addicts are usually glued to their computers at every available spare moment.
DEAR ABBY: I am married for the second time and have two lovely stepsons in their early 20s. Recently they told me that my sister "Gloria" (age 55) had asked them to remove their shirts during a holiday event several years ago. They were teenagers at the time. She told them she wanted to "at least look since she couldn't touch." After that, they no longer wanted to participate in family gatherings.
For the record, Gloria has a history of poor impulse control. She takes medication for it and also to control her temper. She would verbally bait the older boy, who would then antagonize her until I stopped him from playing a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
My relationship with my sister has always been contentious. She used to beat me when I was a child. She was also controlling and tried to order everyone around. Should I stop having family gatherings? Should I ask other relatives to police her? How do I confront her about the many things she has done? Or should I stop associating with her? -- VEXED IN VIRGINIA
DEAR VEXED: Because your sister seems unable to distinguish between what is and isn't appropriate behavior, have a talk with her and tell her what you expect from her before the next family gathering. I see little to be gained from a "confrontation" about what she did in the past.
If Gloria manages not to start trouble at the party, continue to include her. If not, no law says you must. If you don't, be prepared for questions about her absence and answer them directly and honestly.
DEAR ABBY: I am a woman who is wondering what to say when someone calls me "sir" on the phone. I have heard my voice recorded, and I don't think I sound like a man. Still, it happens. It makes me feel angry and mortified. What do I say? -- "MA'AM" IN CINNAMINSON, N.J.
DEAR "MA'AM": You should say, "For your information, I'm a woman." That should clear up any confusion.