Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
PARENTS' HOME IS FULL OF LOVE, AND SOMETIMES IT CAN BE LOUD
DEAR ABBY: My 1-year-old son and I spent the weekend at my parents' house. We had a wonderful time. Mom and Dad showered us with love and attention. It was like being at a resort even though their house is small. The size didn't matter until, at 4:30 a.m. through paper-thin walls, I was awakened by my parents making love.
Unfortunately, this was a familiar sound from my childhood. I didn't know how to handle it when I was growing up, and it appears, at 34, I still don't know what to say. I'm glad my parents still enjoy each other. My mother is sweet but becomes very defensive when confronted, and my dad is painfully shy. Should I talk to them about this, or just make arrangements to stay elsewhere the next time I visit? -- I CAN HEAR YOU IN MICHIGAN
DEAR I CAN HEAR YOU: The next time you plan to visit, make reservations at a nearby hotel. If you are asked why, just say that you are all adults and you all need your privacy. It's a tactful way to deliver the message without being "confrontational."
DEAR ABBY: Back in 1961 some neighborhood kids were showing off their "battle scars." The three children (who lived across the street) were certain they deserved a beating, but were clueless about why. It kept happening. The practice of keeping secrets was common back then, but I knew the beatings were wrong.
Decades later, I was visiting the now-grown daughter and her mother when the subject turned to child abuse. The mom turned to her daughter and commented, "You probably don't remember because you were only 6, but your dad used to get drunk and beat up you and your younger brothers. A neighbor found out, so your dad stopped drinking."
Abby, I was that neighbor. I was only 7 at the time, but I had read the Dear Abby column, which appeared on the comics page. My solution was to hang on that family's front door your mom's column saying that child abuse required the law's intervention. To the father's credit, the anonymous threat of losing his toddlers got him to stop.
That column was a lifesaver, and I thought you'd like to know. -- FRAN IN HONOKA'A, HAWAII
DEAR FRAN: You may have been young, but you certainly were precocious and proactive. I hope you realize that what you did not only saved the family, but also may have saved some lives.
P.S. And I'm sure the daughter did remember.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I disagree about giving alcohol as a holiday gift at a company party. He says it's always an acceptable gift, because even if people don't drink they can share it with future guests.
I think many people would be dismayed to receive alcohol. What do you think? -- SUSAN IN SOUTHERN OREGON
DEAR SUSAN: I agree with your boyfriend. The only time that alcohol would be an inappropriate gift is when the giver knows the recipient doesn't use it. If the person is "dismayed," it can always be regifted.
TO MY JEWISH READERS: The eight days of Hanukkah begin at sundown. (I cannot believe how early it has fallen this year.) Happy Hanukkah, everyone. A joyous Festival of Lights to all of you!
PARENTS TRY TO COUNTER KIDS' CLAIM OF 'ALL MY FRIENDS CAN'
DEAR ABBY: My children think that "because their friends can" they should be able to get, buy or do something. I encounter this problem often, especially when it's bedtime.
My children are 10 and 13, and they need to learn to appreciate the good parents they have because we don't give in to all of their requests. Abby, any suggestions that may help us with this situation would be appreciated. -- GOOD PARENTS IN WOODSTOCK, ILL.
DEAR GOOD PARENTS: At 10 and 13, your children are old enough to understand the concept that not all families are alike. Because a friend of theirs enjoys a privilege or has something they don't have does not mean that your children must.
I wish you had been more specific about the problem that occurs at bedtime. If they are arguing about the hour, they need to understand that for them to perform well in school they need a solid night's sleep. It is well-known that sleep-deprived kids can't learn.
If your children are asking for "things," then let me remind you that parents who grant a child's every wish fail to teach that child one of life's most important lessons: how to cope with disappointment. So please don't feel guilty about drawing the line, or asking your children how they plan to earn whatever it is they're asking for.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-year-old college student who has found the man of my dreams. We have been dating for a year and a half and have been through a lot together. We both believe it is acceptable (and in our case, preferable) for a woman to be a stay-at-home mother and wife. I do not have a problem with having dinner on the table when he arrives home.
However, the number of people who have deemed our views "unacceptable" and "disgraceful" is astounding. I was actually spit on by a woman who accused me of being "the problem with women." She called me "weak" and a disappointment to womanhood across the nation. I'm so offended by her attack.
Am I wrong in thinking it is fine for a woman to be taken care of by her husband? Should I feel the need to be a working mom and wife? Am I too traditional for modern times? Please help me to see the whole picture. -- LUCKY LADY IN LARAMIE
DEAR LUCKY LADY: The personal attack on you was uncalled for, and the woman who spat on you was hardly a role model for liberated women across the nation. Whether you choose to try to juggle a marriage and a career is a personal decision. Not every woman is able to manage it successfully.
That said, many households in the U.S. are headed by single women, and it usually wasn't a matter of choice. That's why it's so important for women to complete their education before being married and to be qualified for a career should the need arise. And it's also why having a prenuptial agreement in place before heading for the altar is advisable.
While it isn't wrong to think it is fine for a woman to be taken care of by her husband, the truth is it doesn't always work out that way. And it couldn't hurt you to have a few years of work experience before starting a family -- just in case.
Unfaithful Young Husband Is Likely to Cheat Again
DEAR ABBY: My 24-year-old daughter married her high school sweetheart whom she has been with for nine years. He was unfaithful to her while they were dating. They have been married a year now, and he has been unfaithful several more times during their married life.
She has left him twice. The second time she filed for divorce, but he talked her into taking him back. He promises to be faithful to her now.
They are so young, and I hate to see her live a life with a man who is a cheater. There are no children, and my daughter has a college education. Abby, my question is: After repeated cheating, do men ever become faithful husbands? -- SICK WITH WORRY IN MONTANA
DEAR SICK WITH WORRY: Because your son-in-law continued being unfaithful to your daughter more than once, I seriously doubt that he's going to quit. When a man -- or woman -- forms a pattern of cheating, it rarely stops. I hope your daughter understands that before having children.
DEAR ABBY: My 6-year-old daughter "Kaylee" recently spent a weekend with her grandparents. While she was there, they bought her several gifts.
Today her grandmother called and asked to have one of the gifts back. A friend of hers would like to have the decorative musical instruments she gave to Kaylee. Grandma's idea is to offer to buy something else for my daughter and "trade."
I don't know how to handle this. I can't imagine asking someone to return a present I had given him or her. Kaylee loves the instruments and has been playing with them every day since she received them. However, I think her grandma (my stepmother) will be upset if I don't go along with her plan. Abby, help! -- AGHAST IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR AGHAST: Once a gift is given, it belongs to the person who received it. Of course, your stepmother can offer your daughter the idea of a "trade." However, if Kaylee isn't keen on the idea, then you must tell Grandma her idea went over like a lead balloon and her friend is out of luck.
DEAR ABBY: It will soon be that time of year when adult children will wrack their brains to find Christmas gifts for their elderly parents. Two years ago, my daughter gave me the gift of a lifetime -- my pets' lives.
Knowing how much my dog and cats mean to me since I live alone, she and my son-in-law called to say that instead of giving me another knickknack for Christmas, my birthday or Mother's Day, they would pay all my veterinary bills for the life of each pet. It was a welcome surprise and a special, thoughtful gift.
Pets bring companionship and comfort to those of us who live alone on fixed incomes. Knowing they will have the proper veterinary care is, indeed, the gift of a lifetime. Even if you can't assume all the costs of your parents' pets, chipping in on holidays would help a lot. -- APPRECIATIVE MOM IN ILLINOIS
DEAR APPRECIATIVE MOM: I agree, and that's why I'm printing your letter. With so many people feeling stressed economically, your letter may provide the "purr-fect" solution to what to get for an older relative.