Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
Naming Former Spouses Sets Record Straight in Obituaries
DEAR ABBY: "Surviving Son in California" (Sept. 20) sought your advice regarding proper protocol in mentioning all surviving relatives when parents had been divorced. You said, "After a couple divorces and one of them dies, the name of the former spouse is usually not mentioned in the obituary." I think your response needs a little tweaking.
My siblings and I faced this same scenario after my father passed away. My parents divorced when I was in grade school, and each parent had remarried by my freshman year in high school. Although their divorce was painful, they remained on friendly terms throughout their lives. I was adamant that my biological mother be listed in my father's obituary for two reasons: First, the obituary serves as a historical document. Second, I did not want people reading the obituary to think my siblings and I were children from my father's second marriage.
An obituary should serve as a historical account of our loved one's life -- not a battlefield. -- LESLIE IN PORT ANGELES, WASH.
DEAR LESLIE: Thank you for pointing out your valid reasons for including former spouses in an obituary. Allow me to share a few more. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I've worked in newspapers on the East Coast for the past 11 years, and I can tell you that mentioning a divorced spouse's name is totally a matter of individual and family preference. It is becoming more common to see "So-and-so" was the former wife and good friend of "the deceased," which is a nice development. It is the right of the surviving family to decide the contents of the obituary. Because some people even include pets among survivors, you would think an ex-spouse would receive the same consideration. -- NAME WITHHELD IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR ABBY: Genealogy researchers often use obituaries to find the parents or children of families. Here in Iowa, it is common for the obituary to show that a couple married, had children and were divorced. I understand how some children might decide to omit a parent if the divorce wasn't a friendly one. I was left out of my first husband's obituary, but I got over it. -- TWO SIDES TO A STORY
DEAR ABBY: There is a difference between an obituary and a death notice. A death notice is a paid announcement, usually in small type and generally placed by the funeral director. It can include, or exclude, anything the family wishes.
An obituary is an objective news story written by a bylined reporter, and it contains the good, the bad and the ugly -- including the names of former spouses, whether separated by death or divorce. -- FORMER COPY EDITOR IN PHILADELPHIA
DEAR ABBY: Here in the South, an ex-spouse is often listed this way: "Jane Doe of Memphis, Tenn., is the mother of his children." The primary reason is so the children feel their surviving parent, and the years their parents spent together, are acknowledged. -- NANCY IN CONWAY, ARK.
DEAR ABBY: You can't erase the years spent together as a family even though a divorce has occurred. I had been married for 30 years at the time of my divorce, and it is important for me to be listed when my ex passes away -- and vice versa. My ex and I discussed this and agreed that the obituary would be written this way: "Also survived by the mother/father of his/her children ... " In my mind, divorced or not, you will always be family. -- AN EX WHO IS STILL PART OF THE FAMILY
DEAR ABBY: At Christmas, "Santa" always fills my children's stockings with a mix of fun, edible and practical items. A few years ago, when my oldest child was beginning to write, my husband and I started the tradition of tucking packets of thank-you cards into their stockings.
We explained that Santa must have given them the cards so they would have stationery to write thank-you notes to family and friends for the gifts they had received. The cards are a wonderful reminder to my children that they need to express their gratitude to those who have spent time and money to buy and send them a gift. Usually there are cards left over to cover thank-you notes at birthday time as well.
Unfortunately, these days, not enough people -- even adults -- take the time to write a note of appreciation for presents they are given. I believe parents should encourage children to do this as soon as they are able to understand the concept. I hope my husband and I are instilling a lifelong habit in our children. Abby, can you help get the point across? -- THANKFUL MOM IN BRUNSWICK, MAINE
DEAR THANKFUL MOM: Gladly. You are teaching your children an important lesson. It's a formality that started being ignored decades ago. Then, as years passed, it was a custom that was not just ignored, but many people forgot it existed. The result was that parents who hadn't been taught the social niceties did not teach them to their children.
When I publish letters about thank-you notes, I invariably receive an avalanche of letters and e-mails from readers complaining that they are hurt and offended because they don't receive thank-you notes. Some individuals use texts and e-mails to acknowledge gifts. However, for most people a handwritten note is much more memorable. Thanking someone for a gift, an invitation to a party or a kind deed in writing is important.
While composing a letter may always be a chore to some people, there are occasions when the written message is the only proper means of communication. It shows effort, and can become a keepsake. For those people who have difficulty expressing their thoughts, my booklet "How to Write Letters for All Occasions" covers a few basic rules for acknowledging gifts, expressing sympathy and accepting or declining an invitation. It can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds), to Dear Abby -- Letters Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. Not everyone can write letters that are literary masterpieces, but for anyone who wonders how to put in writing a brief, charming thank-you note, a letter expressing congratulations, a love letter -- or one that announces a broken engagement -- my booklet will serve as a guide to those who have put off writing because they didn't know what to say, how to say it, or even how to begin.
Because the season for exchanging gifts is nearly here, "Thankful Mom," your letter is an important and timely one.
Friend's Mysterious Lover Is Just an Ordinary Fake
DEAR ABBY: My dear friend "Shelby" has been involved with a man for three years. "Mr. Secret Agent" is always on the go and can visit her only occasionally because of all of his international business travels. She told me he is from New Zealand and plans to return there when he retires in a few years.
Something about him just didn't feel right to me, so I did some Internet sleuthing and discovered that Shelby's "successful businessman" was born right here in the U.S.A. He has no passport, is using an assumed name, works as a janitor, has filed bankruptcy twice and actually lives in a trailer.
Shelby is overjoyed when he comes to visit her, but I am getting tired of hearing his lies. I know she'll be hurt, but don't you think she deserves to know the truth? I'm concerned he may extort money from her. What should I do? -- 2 GOOD 2 BE TRUE IN WASHINGTON STATE
DEAR 2 GOOD 2 BE TRUE: The first thing to do is confess to your friend that you did some snooping and learned some troubling information about her gentleman friend. Then offer to share it with her so she can decide for herself if continuing a relationship with him is something she wants to do. She may or may not be interested -- and she may or may not thank you for wising her up. Be prepared for her to be upset -- but it's a risk you should take.
DEAR ABBY: I have a suggestion for people who are stuck for gift ideas. Several years ago, I asked my mom for a very special Christmas gift. I asked her to write down her life story -- things she had done as a child, the experience of hitchhiking from New Mexico to Tennessee during the Great Depression, and all the other experiences of her life. She did, and I printed it for her. That year she gave each child, grandchild and great-grandchild a copy. It was the best Christmas present ever and one that's still cherished by us all.
Both my parents are gone now, but we have Mom's wonderful stories to remember. Without her book, those memories would be lost forever. I encourage everyone to record their family history and memories for your loved ones to read. You'll never regret it, and it will be enjoyed for generations to come. -- ANDREW IN JOHNSON CITY, TENN.
DEAR ANDREW: That's a terrific suggestion. And if the parent or grandparent isn't comfortable with writing, the same goal can be accomplished by setting up a video camera and interviewing the family member by asking questions about his or her youth.
DEAR ABBY: I left my abusive husband two years ago. My parents and my brother chose him over me. My father and brother kicked me out of their house when I tried to explain, while my mother stood there and said nothing.
My father is now dying and I don't know what I should do. I feel like talking to him would be "giving in." My family made their choice two years ago. Abby, I am torn. How do I forgive my father when I don't think he deserves it? -- THE ONE LEFT BEHIND IN OREGON
DEAR ONE LEFT BEHIND: Frankly, you don't. If you had said your father had asked for forgiveness, my answer might be different. But unless your father asks to see you, keep your distance. That is, unless you want to risk yet another dose of rejection.