QUOTE FOR THE DAY: "My divorce was messy because there was a child involved. My husband." (Wendy Liebman)
WOMAN MOURNS FRIENDS LOST DURING AFFAIR WITH MARRIED MAN
DEAR ABBY: After an on-again off-again affair with a married man for almost 10 years, our relationship finally ended today.
During the time we "messed around," I lost most of my friends because we socialized in the same circles, and I felt ashamed of what I was doing, so I stopped going around with any of them. So here I sit, lonely and embarrassed.
How do I explain to people I meet why I don't have many friends? I know time heals, and I need to focus on the good things in my life and move forward, but I feel isolated and stupid.
I never asked him to leave his wife nor did he promise he would. It was just a one-night stand that went on way too long. I did have relationships in between, but I'd always go back to him.
Can you please give me some suggestions on how to rebuild my self-esteem and learn to love myself again? -- KICKING MYSELF IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR KICKING YOURSELF: Gladly. A giant step in the right direction would be to stop kicking yourself because you appear to be plenty bruised already. Then, instead of isolating yourself, get out and get busy: Join a gym. Scout out organizations where you can volunteer.
No one will know whether you have dozens of friends or only a few -- and don't volunteer the information because it's no one's business.
Take a class or two. Join a church if you feel you need spiritual guidance. And make a vow never to involve yourself with a married man again.
DEAR ABBY: I work for a veterinarian, and I would appreciate it if you would please print some "tips" for pet owners to make their visits go more smoothly.
1. When you call for an appointment, please give us YOUR name. Do not say, "This is Fluffy's mother," because we care for 23 cute, cuddly cats named Fluffy and also a couple of Pomeranians.
2. Always have your dog on a leash and your cat in a cat carrier. If you don't own one, place him/her in a cardboard box taped firmly shut. Cats are more secure in an enclosed space, so it will be calmer during the visit. Loose cats can bolt at the sight of a strange person or pet and become injured, or even dash out an open door.
3. Please do not bring your other pets along "for company." It is distracting for you and also for the pet who is being seen. Also, it's important that you be able to fully concentrate on everything the doctor has to say.
4. Please do NOT offer advice to others who are waiting.
5. DO ask us about anything you're curious or worried about. We have heard it all and won't be shocked, embarrassed or think you are "dumb." It is our job to make sure you are comfortable and knowledgeable about your pet. Feel free to tell us the funny thing he did this week, or how she comforted you. We love to hear about our "patients." -- FRONT DESK LADY
DEAR LADY: I hope my readers with pets will take your intelligent suggestions to heart. And I'm betting that your list of "tips" will be posted in veterinary practices far and wide. Thank you for sending them.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
CLASS REUNION KINDLES MAN'S OBSESSION WITH WIFE'S PAST
DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Jana," and I have been married 15 years. She's the love of my life. I can't imagine living without her. We have three beautiful children, successful careers and a nice home. We have a great relationship, and I trust her completely.
Before we dated, Jana ran with a fast crowd. She was also somewhat promiscuous back then. Don't get me wrong, there are things from my past that I'm not proud of, either. But it bothers me that her "adventures" exceeded mine.
We went to Jana's class reunion last fall, and I met several friends from her past. Each guy I met, I couldn't help but wonder if he had slept with my wife. I know about some of her old boyfriends, but not all.
I think Jana knows this bothered me, but she doesn't know how much. I literally became nauseated thinking about her past. After almost 20 years of dating and marriage, I thought I'd be over it. Should I press her for more details or just live with the knots in my stomach? -- CURIOUS GEORGE IN LOUISVILLE
DEAR GEORGE: Neither. After 20 years of dating and marriage, it's time to grow up. You have a happy, successful marriage -- so why are you wasting time obsessing about the distant past? If you have digestive problems, discuss them with your doctor or a therapist. But to ask your wife for a scorecard at this late date will be counterproductive, and I doubt that it will fix what ails you. And in the future -- skip the reunions.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 12-year-old girl who attends a private middle school. When I go to school, I see girls my age wearing a little bit of makeup. When I try to sneak off to school with a little bit on my face, my parents wipe it off and say I'm beautiful just the way I am, although I disagree.
Abby, I will be 13 next month! I'm absolutely positive that I can handle makeup without going overboard. But when I say it to my parents, they still forbid me to wear or buy any. How do I convince them that I'm mature enough to handle this? -- NOT IMMATURE IN NYC
DEAR NOT IMMATURE: Your parents regard you as their little girl and may be hoping to keep you that way for another year. One of the hallmarks of maturity is being honest with your parents. If you want to convince them that you're mature enough to handle makeup, perhaps you should consider not sneaking out of the house wearing any. Prove to them that you can be trusted, and they'll have faith in your judgment -- and I'm not just talking about makeup.
DEAR ABBY: I have been arguing with my husband over something, and I hope you can settle it once and for all. When he gets out of the shower, he leaves the curtain open. I prefer to keep it closed because I think it looks nicer to see a closed shower curtain in the bathroom.
My husband insists it should stay open to make sure the tub dries. I think the tub will dry regardless, since the air can flow over the curtain rod, and the curtain will become moldy if it's all scrunched up. Who is right? -- STEAMY IN TEXAS
DEAR STEAMY: I did some checking, and was told by a major hotel chain that its housekeeping staff leaves the shower curtains pushed to the side (open) so air can flow through. However, those curtains are laundered frequently.
I also contacted the bed and bath department of a national department store chain, and the manager suggested leaving the curtain halfway open in the middle of the shower -- open at both ends -- to allow the air to circulate.
That may be a satisfying compromise to both of you.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Vegetarian Feels Picked on for Her Choice of Lifestyle
DEAR ABBY: I am 27 and have been a vegetarian for five years. I am trying to develop a thick skin when it comes to people who question or make fun of my choice, but I'm tired of laughing and letting the comments "roll off" my back.
When my grandfather sits near me at a family event, he will analyze my plate, look at me in disgust and then tell me, "Carrots have feelings, too."
When I go to a well-known sandwich shop, I order a basic and "boring" sandwich, which I really enjoy. The sandwich makers give me funny looks and ask, "That's all?" or, "You're spending five bucks on THIS?" followed by laughter or a shake of their heads. One even asked me if I was crazy!
I am tired of people questioning what I eat or what kind of sandwich I choose to spend my money on. I don't make comments or question those who eat meat. What is the best response to people who are so rude about my choices? -- HERBIVORE BY CHOICE IN NEW YORK
DEAR HERB: Sorry, there is no one-size-fits-all snappy one-liner. But take comfort in the fact that a growing number of people are choosing to avoid meat and poultry not only for the ethical reasons, but also because they prefer to avoid the hormones and antibiotics used in the production of these food products.
When someone comments or questions you, it's important to consider the source as well as the intent behind the remarks. Your grandfather may be trying to be humorous -- or he may be showing concern because he comes from a generation that didn't learn there can be benefits from a vegetarian diet. Because he's getting under your skin, rather than take the bait, sit next to some other relatives at family events.
As to the employee at the sandwich shop -- the person may be trying to "sell you up." After all, the more ingredients in your sandwich, the more expensive it will be. I completely agree that ridiculing a customer is not only bad manners but also bad for business -- and the next time it happens, do not hesitate to complain about it to the manager.
DEAR ABBY: For the last three years I have been dating a woman who, 15 years ago, divorced an Army colonel after 20 years of marriage. She loved the prestige of being an officer's wife.
There always seems to be a reason why she must mention her ex, no matter what the topic is. I finally told her it seemed like she missed him. Now, instead of saying his name, she says, "When we were in Germany, we did this ..." or, "When we lived in Idaho we used to ..." No matter what I say, she never fails to find a way to tell a story about life with her ex.
I am an Army vet and I cannot mention anything about the Army because if I do, she'll one-up me with yet another war story about him. And when we are together in public, she never misses a chance to disclose that we do not live together, and she always speaks in the singular regarding her plans.
Is her conduct an indication that she's unhappy with me? If not, what's going on? -- OVERSHADOWED IN SALEM, ORE.
DEAR OVERSHADOWED: Let's see. First of all, this woman is surprisingly insensitive to your feelings. Second, when people feel the need to "one-up" others, it usually stems from insecurity. Third, when a woman consistently points out that she and her companion of three years "don't live together" and speaks in the singular about her plans, it's a strong indication that she doesn't regard herself as part of a couple.