TO MY JEWISH READERS: At sundown, Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement and the holiest day of the Jewish calendar, begins -- a time for reflection, prayer and repentance. To all of you, may your fast be an easy one.
Man's Relentless Badgering Makes Wife Doubt Her Sanity
DEAR ABBY: My husband berates and belittles me constantly. He calls me "worthless, stupid, lazy, no-good and crazy." He controls my every move and follows me around the kitchen when I'm trying to cook. I got so nervous last week that I dropped a kettle of soup and burned myself.
He followed me into the laundry room, watched me load the washer before putting in the detergent, then yelled at me that I was doing it "backward." He removes the dishes from the dishwasher and rearranges them so they're the way he thinks they should be. He says I can't do anything right, and I'm starting to believe him.
I leave the house only to buy groceries because I'm afraid people are laughing and staring at me. I sleep half the day. I used to go out and have fun; now I sit at home with the drapes drawn. I don't have the energy to clean the house. I cry every day.
Our two boys are 8 and 11. He controls their every move, too. There's so much stress in this house they are starting to turn against him.
The emotional abuse started a couple of years ago. When I try to discuss it, he calls me crazy and a liar and denies it. I used to be healthy as a horse, but now I have headaches and stomach pains.
Friends say I should leave, but I can't just pick up and walk out with two sons to raise. He threatens to get custody because I am "insane." I stay because I don't want to lose my boys. I'm afraid to see a doctor. He may say I'm crazy, too. Please help me. -- LESS THAN ZERO IN ILLINOIS
DEAR LESS THAN ZERO: Please trust me and consult a doctor immediately. Your symptoms are probably stress-related. You may also be depressed from the unrelenting abuse.
You are not crazy, but your husband may be. Once you have spoken to your doctor, contact the National Domestic Abuse Hotline. They can help you and the boys escape. Their toll-free number is (800) 799-7233.
Whether your husband is sick or just an abusive bully remains to be seen. But for your sake and your children's, do not tolerate this situation. If you stay, he will not only destroy you emotionally, but also your boys.
DEAR ABBY: I live with a wonderful woman with whom I am completely in love. I know she feels the same. My problem is she won't tell me what year she was born. I know she's older than I am, but by how much I don't know.
She told me that in her previous relationships her husband and boyfriend left her for younger women. I've told her age has nothing to do with how I feel about her, but she's afraid that if I know her exact age I will leave. I have done all I can to reassure her, but she still won't tell me.
What can I do to make her understand that her age is unimportant to me so far as how I feel about her? Or should I just forget about ever knowing her true age? -- IN LOVE IN SAN ANTONIO
DEAR IN LOVE: You've done all you can. Your lady friend has been "snake bit" twice. So if you really love her and don't care about her age, drop the subject, since you know it's a painful one for her. Got it?
Classmate's Criticism Stuns Smart Student Into Silence
DEAR ABBY: I'm one of the smartest people in my seventh-grade class. Sometimes it's hard being that person. Once, when I was in fifth grade, someone came up to me and told me, "No offense, but I think you're a know-it-all." Let me tell you, that did not feel good!
What should I do? I know almost all the answers in class, but I don't want to answer because of what people will think. Please help me. -- SMART SEVENTH-GRADER IN MICHIGAN
DEAR SMART SEVENTH-GRADER: Talk to your teacher and also your school counselor about your feelings. If you know all the answers in class, it's possible that you would qualify for advanced classes -- or even for skipping a grade. Of course, your parents would have to agree, but it's worth a try.
One thing is certain, you should not refrain from participating to the fullest extent you can in class. And the classmate who called you a know-it-all in fifth grade was out of line.
DEAR ABBY: My parents go to bed at 9 or 9:30, so they make my brother and me go to bed at the same time. I'm 13, and my brother is 17. I have no problem waking up in the morning, and I make good grades. So why do they insist on an early bedtime for us? Most of the kids in my grade have a bedtime of 10 to midnight. What are your feelings on this? -- FRUSTRATED TEEN IN FLORIDA
DEAR FRUSTRATED TEEN: While most individuals have different biorhythms, I have read over the past few years that many people in this country are not getting enough sleep. This has a negative impact on their ability to concentrate, learn, drive and work efficiently. It can also affect the immune system. Regardless of what "most" of the kids in your grade are doing, your parents are doing what they feel is right for you and your brother.
DEAR ABBY: I am getting married next month. It's a first marriage for both of us, and I love "Evan" with all my heart. I'd do anything and everything for him -- but I'm scared.
A few days ago, Evan said he wanted to move back the date of the wedding. It just about killed me. I thought maybe he didn't want to marry me, or he doesn't love me. He saw how badly I took the news and told me later that night that the wedding could go on as scheduled.
Abby, how do I know if Evan wants to marry me? What if he is doing it just so I won't be sad? I don't want him to marry me if he's not ready. Please help. -- WORRIED BRIDE-TO-BE IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR WORRIED BRIDE-TO-BE: Tell Evan that you were shaken when he told you he wanted to postpone the wedding. Then tell him that if that's how he really feels, you agree it would be a good idea to wait. If he seems relieved, you will have your answer, and be glad you found out before you married him, not after.
However, if your fiance says he still wants the wedding to go on as planned, tell him that you'll agree only if he agrees to premarital counseling. It could avert any number of problems later. Trust me.
Father to Be Awaits Babies With His Wife and Mistress
DEAR ABBY: Our son, "Philip," has been married for two years. He recently informed his wife, "Karla," that one of his co-workers -- I'll call her Sarah -- is pregnant with his child. Philip says he still loves Karla and wants to stay together, but he feels an obligation to the other child. Karla is now pregnant with their first baby.
The problem is, Philip is spending most of his time at Sarah's home caring for her, and very little time with his wife.
My wife and I don't know how we should handle the relationship with the two grandchildren. What are our obligations to each? Should we treat them both the same? By the way, my wife and I have never met Sarah. -- DOUBLE-WHAMMIED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR DOUBLE-WHAMMIED: None of this is the fault of your grandchildren, so think with your hearts and treat them equally.
Forgive me if this seems pessimistic, but from your description of your son's behavior, I seriously doubt that his marriage to Karla is going to last. So don't worry about not having met Sarah. If he continues to spend the lion's share of his time with her, the chances are good that you'll be seeing quite a bit of her in the future.
DEAR ABBY: "Robert" and I have been married for 10 years. A few months ago I discovered that he'd had an affair. He says it was because he felt I didn't love him anymore and we weren't communicating. I have never stopped loving him.
The funny thing is, I felt the same way he did -- upset that he was spending more time away from home. We're now trying to work things out, but it's hard for me. I keep learning more information about their relationship, and it breaks my heart all over again. I know who she is and what she looks like.
I'll be seeing this woman at a bridal shower soon, and later on this fall at a wedding. Robert says she doesn't know what I look like. I am tempted to pretend to be someone else and quiz her about their relationship.
I'm just so lost. I want to let all of this go and move on, but I haven't been able to. How do I handle the upcoming events with her? I love Robert, and he's trying to make things right. -- BROKEN AND LOST IN ILLINOIS
DEAR BROKEN AND LOST: Are you masochistic? You know about the affair; you and Robert are trying to work things out. So quit digging because whatever you unearth will only prolong your pain and insecurity. Your time would be better spent on improving the level of communication you have with your husband. And if you're afraid you'll fall apart or do something inappropriate at the sight of his former love, then my advice is to skip the festivities.
DEAR ABBY: Dinner guests customarily bring gifts of wine to their hosts. The host offers wine with the dinner.
If a second bottle is desired, which wine would be used -- more from the host or is it better etiquette to open and serve the gift wine? -- BILL IN BEND, ORE.
DEAR BILL: It is not considered a breach of etiquette to keep the gift wine for use at another time, and the guest who brings it should not expect it to be served. (The same goes for candy and nuts, which are also popular house gifts.)