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by Abigail Van Buren

Father to Be Awaits Babies With His Wife and Mistress

DEAR ABBY: Our son, "Philip," has been married for two years. He recently informed his wife, "Karla," that one of his co-workers -- I'll call her Sarah -- is pregnant with his child. Philip says he still loves Karla and wants to stay together, but he feels an obligation to the other child. Karla is now pregnant with their first baby.

The problem is, Philip is spending most of his time at Sarah's home caring for her, and very little time with his wife.

My wife and I don't know how we should handle the relationship with the two grandchildren. What are our obligations to each? Should we treat them both the same? By the way, my wife and I have never met Sarah. -- DOUBLE-WHAMMIED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR DOUBLE-WHAMMIED: None of this is the fault of your grandchildren, so think with your hearts and treat them equally.

Forgive me if this seems pessimistic, but from your description of your son's behavior, I seriously doubt that his marriage to Karla is going to last. So don't worry about not having met Sarah. If he continues to spend the lion's share of his time with her, the chances are good that you'll be seeing quite a bit of her in the future.

DEAR ABBY: "Robert" and I have been married for 10 years. A few months ago I discovered that he'd had an affair. He says it was because he felt I didn't love him anymore and we weren't communicating. I have never stopped loving him.

The funny thing is, I felt the same way he did -- upset that he was spending more time away from home. We're now trying to work things out, but it's hard for me. I keep learning more information about their relationship, and it breaks my heart all over again. I know who she is and what she looks like.

I'll be seeing this woman at a bridal shower soon, and later on this fall at a wedding. Robert says she doesn't know what I look like. I am tempted to pretend to be someone else and quiz her about their relationship.

I'm just so lost. I want to let all of this go and move on, but I haven't been able to. How do I handle the upcoming events with her? I love Robert, and he's trying to make things right. -- BROKEN AND LOST IN ILLINOIS

DEAR BROKEN AND LOST: Are you masochistic? You know about the affair; you and Robert are trying to work things out. So quit digging because whatever you unearth will only prolong your pain and insecurity. Your time would be better spent on improving the level of communication you have with your husband. And if you're afraid you'll fall apart or do something inappropriate at the sight of his former love, then my advice is to skip the festivities.

DEAR ABBY: Dinner guests customarily bring gifts of wine to their hosts. The host offers wine with the dinner.

If a second bottle is desired, which wine would be used -- more from the host or is it better etiquette to open and serve the gift wine? -- BILL IN BEND, ORE.

DEAR BILL: It is not considered a breach of etiquette to keep the gift wine for use at another time, and the guest who brings it should not expect it to be served. (The same goes for candy and nuts, which are also popular house gifts.)

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)