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Woman's Shocking Discovery Puts Man in Unmarked Grave
DEAR ABBY: For 15 years I was a happily married homemaker with a wonderful husband. "Duncan" and I attended church together, frolicked through the fields, even exterminated rodents together. He was my best friend. It was bliss.
Last year I found out my father had had an affair with Duncan's mother the year I was born, which makes him my half-brother! The news was too much for my husband. He had a fatal heart attack not long after.
What should I put on his gravestone -- "Loving Brother" or "Loving Husband"? -- GRIEVING IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR GRIEVING: Neither. How about "He was 'Everything' to me"? That should about cover it.
DEAR ABBY: I'm in a relationship with a man I met online who lives out of state. He has been to see me a dozen times over the last three years. We say we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together. But over the last 18 months I have realized we have NOTHING in common -- and our views on life, policy and politics are completely opposite.
For three years we have talked every single day, mostly about how much we love each other. It's when we try to have a real conversation we start to disagree. He says we're entitled to our own opinions, and I agree, but I can't help but wonder what kind of future we could have together when we cannot discuss anything but how we feel about each other. -- SECOND THOUGHTS IN ANAHEIM
DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: It's a shame you two can't spend some extended time together because the answer to your question would become evident. From where I sit, I think there would be conflict on a daily basis regardless of how much you "love" each other. I put the word love in quotes because love is something that grows from mutual respect, and I'm not sure how long you would remain mutually respectful in light of the fact your worldviews are completely different.
DEAR ABBY: My father died two years ago and asked that I administer my mother's finances. She has now burned through two-thirds of the savings he left her, and she refuses to accept any advice I have tried to give her about her spending.
I have told my mother repeatedly that I do not have the resources to take care of her when she runs out of money. I know she assumes that I will because she is my mother.
How do I deal with a parent who is narcissistic and out of touch with reality? I have told her I'll gladly hand over her finances to my brother, but she doesn't want him to get involved. I have asked him for advice, but he won't respond.
Do I just let her go through everything and struggle in the end, or stick to my guns? After all, it's her money and I can't refuse to make it available to her. Please advise. -- MOTHER'S KEEPER IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR MOTHER'S KEEPER: I suspect your brother is acting the way he is because he's miffed at not being asked to handle the finances to begin with, or he simply wants to stay out of it. But you cannot allow your mother to continue spending her inheritance at the rate she is. Consult the attorney who drafted your father's will and ask if there's a way to not only put the brakes on her, but also take some of the responsibility off your shoulders.
DEAR ABBY: "Ingmar" and I have been married -- on and off-- for 12 years. We have married each other twice. Ingmar loves "big" women.
The last time we separated was three years ago, after I lost 105 pounds. I lost the weight because my doctor said I had to for health reasons. When I first met Ingmar, I let him know my large size was not normal for me and was a result of some medications I was on.
After my weight started dropping, Ingmar told me I "grossed him out" and I was starting to resemble a "little girl." We have had no physical contact in four years, and we sleep in separate rooms. He often goes off by himself for two or three days at a time. I know he isn't involved with another woman because he can't do anything anymore and he's not willing to fix it.
I feel like a roommate instead of a wife. We don't eat together, watch TV together or kiss anymore. Although I care for my husband, I'm not in love with him anymore. But I'm scared of going out in the "dating world" again. I'm 46 and no longer a "spring chicken," but I crave affection. What do I do? -- AT A CROSSROADS IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
DEAR AT A CROSSROADS: The dating world is no lonelier than the one you're living in now -- but at least in the dating world there is hope that you'll connect with someone.
Your husband is punishing you for something that isn't your fault. The fact that he "can't do anything anymore" with you doesn't guarantee that he can't do something with someone else. Offer Ingmar the option of marriage counseling to see if he's capable of an attitude adjustment. But if he's not, recognize that even though you may no longer be a pullet, your best chance at happiness might be to fly the coop.
DEAR ABBY: Our daughter, "Daisy," had some really bad relationships in the past and held on to them far too long. At 33, she finally met a man, "Melvin," who was good to her and fun to be with. We were relieved that she had finally made a right choice.
Melvin was divorced with a son. He told Daisy he was a police officer who retired early because of the stress, and regaled her with stories about the many outrageous incidents he's been involved in. They married and now have a new baby. Daisy is happy, loves being a wife and mother, and we were pleased that she has what she always wanted.
My husband and I became suspicious about some of Melvin's stories about the wild and crazy situations that had happened to him on a daily basis. In them, he was always defending helpless people against brutal attackers, saving people in imminent danger, and he was always the hero. My husband decided to check out Melvin's claim of having been a cop. We were shocked and sickened to learn that he never was. All of his stories are lies.
I want to tell Daisy, but I'm not sure how or when. They live in another state, far from us. I don't want to expose him while she is not near us. It will crush her. But our daughter is married to a stranger! Everything Melvin told her about himself is a lie. How should we handle this? -- HEARTBROKEN MOM
DEAR MOM: First of all, your husband should finish what he started. If Melvin wasn't a police officer, what was he? Is he really divorced? How many times? Is his name really Melvin? Has he done time?
Once you have accurate information, you and your husband should pay your daughter a visit -- proof in hand. How she chooses to handle things from then on will be her decision. But from where I sit, she could qualify for an annulment because whoever her husband is, he married her under false pretenses.
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Man Gets the Scoop on Where to Drop Off Doggie's Deposit
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I were walking our terriers one evening when one had to answer nature's call. Being responsible dog owners, I picked up the "deposit" with a bag we carry for such occasions.
It was garbage pickup day and the neighbors' trash cans were out at the curb, so at the next house I placed the bag in the trash can. My wife, family and co-workers all think this was not appropriate -- that I should have carried it home and disposed of it in our trash can.
Abby, we were 15 minutes from home, but given the choice, I would rather not carry that bag and figured a garbage bin is a garbage bin. I'll abide by your answer and admit I was wrong if you say so. -- POOPED OUT IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR P.O.: As long as the bag was securely sealed, I don't think adding it to someone's trash bin was a social no-no. But I do have one suggestion: Keep your water cooler conversation at a higher level and you'll get less poop from your co-workers. Your wife is another story.
DEAR ABBY: My 22-year-old son is involved with a 22-year-old girl who is married. He has moved in with her, her husband and their 4-year-old son. He says he's happy with the arrangement.
I have tried to accept this even though I don't approve. I don't want to alienate my son, but I see no good coming from this lifestyle. Abby, please help. -- DISGUSTED MOM IN HENDERSON, NEV.
DEAR DISGUSTED MOM: You do not have to "accept" the arrangement, and as your son's mother you are entitled to tell him you don't approve and why. But he is over 21, and some lessons have to be learned the hard way. So remain calm and bide your time because, sooner or later, the husband's tolerance will wear thin or your son will realize that he deserves to rate higher than No. 2.
DEAR ABBY: I have a gripe I haven't seen addressed in your column. I receive labels, free gifts and even money from charities asking for donations. Why aren't they using all that money for the charity?
I thought I'd done the right thing by sending annual contributions to one charity. Then I get frequent appeals from them that they have run into extra expenses and want more! Americans are generous people, but these groups are bleeding us dry. I'm on the verge of not contributing to any of them. -- TURNED OFF IN TOPEKA
DEAR TURNED OFF: Charities (and causes) hire specialized companies that analyze what kind of "appeals" generate the most money. They have figured out that people who receive "gifts" feel "obligated" to reciprocate -- hence the labels, notepads, etc.
As to being solicited more than once a year, this is done because many people can't remember exactly when they last donated and, in my opinion, it's a way of taking advantage. That said, with the economy in the shape it's in, many charities are genuinely suffering. The need is great -- so please do not stop giving altogether.